Thanksgiving 2

Jesse and Krissy came over for Thanksgiving 2 and it was truly wonderful! Things fell into place more smoothly than I ever remember and the food seemed to taste better too. We had delicious, moist turkey, fresh green beans, my special stuffing, 2 kinds of mashed potatoes (butter and roasted garlic), flaky crescent rolls, and cherry cheesecake and dark rum pecan pie for dessert. We talked together and watched 2 movies. They had never seen "Air Force One" and seemed to enjoy it.

When Krissy told me that she wanted so much to get a small Christmas tree, I told her they could use ours because, for the time being, I am putting up a manger instead of a tree and ours is just the right size for their apartment. I also gave them the small tub of ornaments I had been saving for Jesse since he was a baby. That felt good.

Every year since my kids were little, I have been making 4 ornaments, usually cross stitched, for Christmas - one for us and one for each of them. Most of them have the years on them and it was fun to be able to actually finally give them to Jesse.

Now for a turkey sandwich (the BEST part) ... Gotta love those leftovers!

Thanksgiving 1

It was a peaceful, restful day and the rain all day long added to the cozy ambiance. We ate lemon-pepper chicken from the Walmart deli, which we had been wanting to try for a long time, and it was moist and incredibly delicious. Dessert was a dark rum pecan pie - yum!

I made a cherry cheesecake for tomorrow (a request from my son) and snapped the green beans to prepare them for cooking. Tomorrow will be Thanksgiving 2.

I finished stitching a small ornament for a friend and started on another one. Several days ago, I finished The Dove. It was a kit I bought and, after many false starts, I finally "forced" myself to work on it beginning last month and then I was hooked. As much as I strained to finish it (much like giving birth), I missed it when it was finished.

Off to bed now because I have to get up early to put the turkey in the oven ...

Technology

I love technology, especially computer-related technology! I never cease to be amazed at the new and wonderfully useful things that appear in the stores. I bought a Logitech Wireless Mouse (M215) and it is absolutely wonderful! The touchpad on my laptop "caved in" and that seemed like a big problem but the problem is solved! This mouse has a tiny little USB connector that doesn't get in the way of anything because you hardly even notice it's there. And it works on just about any surface. I wondered where I would use it since I didn't have a mouse pad by my laptop (because it's on my lap!) but it turns out that it doesn't even matter because this mouse works on the arm of my recliner, on the part of my computer that is by the touchpad, and even on my clothes! I love technology! The mouse will live in the pocket of my armchair organizer thingy and be very useful every day.

Halloween

I am so sick and tired of Halloween everything!!! This happens every year. I read that it is now the number 2 most commercial holiday of the year. It brings in tons on money and even the churches have embraced it.

Because of the legalism that God has been setting me free from, I asked Him what He thought about Halloween ... And, while I was at it, about Christians practicing yoga, because I have been wrong about so many things. First of all, He showed me how much He loves His children, even those who are doing these things. That is first and most important - I am not to judge anyone just because they think and do things differently than me.

This morning on the way to work, I started asking myself whether or not Jesus would celebrate Halloween. If He was here on the earth, would He go to the Halloween parties given by area churches, would He dress up in a costume, carve a pumpkin, etc.?

When I asked myself those questions, the answer became clear for me. I don't believe that Jesus would participate in a celebration of evil and to me, that's what it is - a celebration of evil. I believe that spiritual forces of evil really do exist and they are opposed to God. And I cannot in good conscience practice yoga either, since it springs from Hinduism, a religion where they worship false gods.

So I have my answers - for me, these things are detestable and I want no part of them, but I am not to judge other believers who participate in them. Which leaves me feeling down ... I'll be glad when this week is over.

Daily Life

The first 2 weeks with Josie were incredibly difficult and many times I wanted to put her on craigslist but felt like God kept telling me to keep her. We are over the hump now and Angie isn't growling at her quite so much, so I think it's going to work. Mostly, Phil is training her because he's home all the time. He actually found them sleeping in Josie's bed together the other day.

Having 2 dogs, we needed more piddle pads which was a problem because I couldn't find the ones we like and because the store-bought ones are very expensive and the wrong sizes. I ended up going to thrift stores and getting old mattress pads, baby flannel blankets, and vinyl-backed tablecloths and making my own. I cut out the different layers and simply serged them together. Now we have 15 new ones plus the old ones and, most importantly, the dogs are using the new ones. Yes!

We got the top part of the driveway re-graveled for the first time in probably 10 years and it's so nice not to go bump * bump * bump when parking in the carport. Hopefully next week the guy will come to pump out the septic tank. It's supposed to be done every 3 years or else you can have big trouble which we don't need, especially with Phil's dependence on the bathroom.

Phil seems to be adjusting to "disabled" life fairly well, although it's been a huge life change for both of us. He mostly sits or sleeps in his recliner day and night. As long as he stays home, he can manage his life fairly well. He tries to help around the house but didn't/couldn't clean the house for the past 2 weeks, so I did it the other day and it felt so good to have it cleaned the way I like it to be cleaned. Sometimes I feel like it isn't my house anymore.

I think I am finally beginning to wind down from tax season/full-time work. Normally, when I go to part-time in May, I relax and am happy but not this year. This year I was in emotional turmoil because I was facing the fact that Phil will never work again and will be home ALL THE TIME. I have always needed time alone, so this has been very difficult for me to deal with.

When I think of all the trauma that Jesse, our youngest who is now 20, has had to go through with Phil's health problems over the last 5 years or more, I feel bad but yesterday God used some of that experience for good in his life. Jesse was alone with someone who passed out unexpectedly and, although it was scary, he knew exactly what to do and what to expect because Phil passed out last year. God can use even really bad stuff for good.

In several weeks, toward the end of July, we will leave to go visit my mother in Ohio. Every year I feel overwhelmed at the thought of making this trip and every year we have a great time and I am so grateful for the opportunity to see her again. This year, Eva will be coming with me and we hope that Jesse will be able to come too. Eva has longed to see her grandmother but hasn't been able to come for the past several years due to childbearing. Kevin will stay home and take care of the kids. (I almost said *babysit* but since he is their father, he's not really babysitting, right?) I am so grateful that God has answered my prayers to let my mom live until Eva could see her again.

Life sure turned out to be a lot harder than I thought it would be. I don't know why but I expected it to move in an orderly fashion through the years until we were old and happy. I thought the bad stuff would only happen to other people. This past month, I have had to die again to dreams and expectations. Things just didn't turn out the way I wanted them to. It's been very depressing and painful. Every day, I lay my life on the altar and give it to God and in that way I find peace. I am trying to live each day in the present and with a thankful heart.

Josie Joy

We finally did it! We got a new puppy! I found her on craigslist and she looks exactly like Angie, our beloved 10-year old dog. It was a big step but after thinking about it for several months, I decided we might as well try it and see how it goes. The idea was to get another dog so that Angie can help "train" her. Angie is the best dog we've ever had and having another dog will hopefully lessen our pain when she dies. Her mother died when she was 10 years old.

Josie was in the northern part of the state so our daughter met her first, sent me video, and told me I would love her. She picked her up today and then our son came with me to get her.

She is so tiny! It's hard to believe that Angie was ever this little! Eva's puppy, Molly, and Josie played and ran all over the house. They had so much fun together. I was concerned about whether or not Angie would accept her because Angie is, after all, an old lady now. At first she was wary but after a few hours she warmed up to her. I think if we give her time, they will become good friends.

I'm not very good at picking out dog names and originally wanted to name her Happy or Joy, but in the end, I named her after my grandmother. When I looked up the definition of Josie or Josephine, I discovered that it meant "God shall add" or "God shall increase" so her name means "God shall add joy" and that is what I long for.

Carry Me

When I went after work to spend time alone with God, I cried but didn’t know why. When I prayed for my sons, it was dry … but I did it anyway. (I'm praying for them every day.) There was a song asking God to carry me. When I got home, our wonderful neighbor was clearing some more of our field and burning the debris, so I quickly changed clothes, hooked up my cart and began to trim the brush around the driveway. Until my wonderful neighbor saw me and told me he would do it later … with his truck and chainsaw. So I drove all over the yard and trimmed low-lying branches. Because it had rained this morning, the temperature was reasonable and it was actually quite beautiful outside, so I impulsively decided to mow the yard. It felt so good in so many ways! It was so peaceful on the mower. Whenever I get on that mower, I am face-to-face with God's love and care and provision for me. Two hours of physical labor and my depression was gone, I felt very productive, and ready to proceed with my day. God did indeed carry me.

Blessings

An Internet friend who designs cross stitch said she is sending me a goody box filled with smaller pieces of cross stitch fabric (that I can use to make ornaments and cards), variegated thread, and some charts. I'm so excited! People on my cross stitch message board have told about things like this happening to them but it's my first time. It will be like Christmas.

Our church met at the city park today for a service and then a fish fry. The service was fun because my friend and I were able to play tambourine during worship and the sound system was so loud that we didn't have to worry about offending people. The way we play is that we play certain "patterns" given to us and to other people by God - such as Faith, Covenant, Joy, etc. Each one has a scripture that it comes from. Mark preached on "greatness" and it was very inspiring.

Part-time

As of last week, my job has been cut down to part-time until next January, when the next tax season begins, and I am going to try to post more regularly. For some reason this year, this is a huge adjustment - probably because we are also adjusting to Phil being on disability permanently. The hardest part for me is never ever being able to be home alone anymore.

It's a relief to have more time to get the basic things done, such as grocery shopping and mowing the yard, but I also hope to get some other things done around the house too. I hope to eventually have some sort of schedule to help myself become more disciplined in order to accomplish some things. I would like to fit in two times of exercise each day instead of only one and I would like to write more. I have started to bake some and am going to try freezing things, such as dinners and baked goods, because I bought a sweet little chest freezer and I want to learn how to make good use of it before next tax season.

I saw something cool on the Internet the other day. You can take plastic Walmart bags and crochet them into sleeping mats. Evidently people are bringing these to third world countries where the people love then because bugs hate the mats and after it rains, the mats dry out quickly. I want to start one and work on it a little each week, as I obtain the bags. I love the idea of turning our trash into something useful.

Inspired by my daughter, who has a huge container garden, I decided to try some patio tomatoes. I had a 5-gallon bucket that someone gave me, drilled holes in the bottom, put rocks in it, then some newspaper (to hold the soil), and a mixture of potting soil and potting mix. I found really nice plants at Lowe's and got a cherry tomato and a Better Boy. I hope this works because there is nothing like fresh tomatoes.

Vintage Steam Engine

An old steam engine came to visit our town yesterday. I believe it was built in the early 1940's and is one of the last of its kind. During lunch, a friend and I went to see it. It was huge and black and produced a lot of steam. It had lights and a bell on the front and wheels as tall as a man. It was a thing of beauty.

Grateful

Well, it looks like Phil will have to go to the hospital again, this time to be treated through an I.V. for MRSA. The oral antibiotics aren't working, which is no surprise. He will go back to the doctor tomorrow and probably go into the hospital soon after. It's frustrating but there is a lot to be thankful for.

I am grateful for the timing - tax season basically ends tomorrow. I am grateful that MRSA, while not common, isn't all that unusual and the treatment is clear. There are no unknowns to deal with. I am grateful for an excellent hospital and an excellent wound care specialist. I am grateful that his life isn't in danger and that this is not an intestinal issue. I am very, very grateful that God kept him from returning to work yet.

I have peace about this. It's frustrating but it will be OK.

A Relaxing Saturday

I don’t know what I’m going to do with myself now that tax season is basically over. When I got home yesterday I mowed … and it was so much fun! It was simply gorgeous outside and I had a good time working in the yard. I found out that I can hook the little cart to the mower all by myself! I picked up a few pieces of wood, took them to the burn pile and then I poisoned everything that I want dead, including clearing some areas to plant weeping love grass (an ornamental grass that grows in clumps which only get a certain height and never taller).

Here is the great news - my leg didn’t hurt!!! I ended up walking all over the yard instead of riding and noticed that my leg didn’t hurt! I think that God has healed it completely! The other great news is that, even with all that activity, my arm is doing really well. As long as I don’t pick up Gabe, maybe it will heal too!

The yard looks great, laundry is done, the tub is scrubbed, and 10 lbs. of hamburger is cooked and frozen. I reinforced the buttons on 5 tops, applied online for some kind of group lawsuit (I might get $75 some day just because I own a John Deere), made a small cake, ate a salad (with spinach) for lunch, and found a small freezer that I might buy. What a nice, relaxing, fun day!

I got to talk to my neighbor down below when I was outside yesterday and he said he would come in a few days and drag a fallen branch away to the burn pile. I felt like God sent me an angel! He said he has a tiller and will help me prepare to plant the love grass on the hills so I don’t have to try to mow there anymore. I can’t wait!

The best part of the day was when Jesse came over to eat spaghetti with us and we ended up watch “Saving Private Ryan” because it was on and I had never seen it (due to reading and believing a bad review of it). He comes over almost every Saturday for spaghetti and I love catching up on each others’ lives.

A co-worker is holding classes on couponing and she has inspired me to get back into it. It’s a different world now because when I used to do it there was no Internet. I spent some time the other night printing and cutting online coupons and looking at different sales circulars. I am praying that God would teach me how to do this again because it’s fun to get good deals. Yesterday I bought a carton of oats for $.57. I saw on the circular that it was on sale for $1.50 and found a $1 online coupon! I don’t want to go overboard and get obsessed with this but I do want to have fun with it.

Mini-Vacation

I had a wonderful weekend in Rogers with my kids. Alex taught me how to play Super Mario on the Wii and I cheered as he bowled at a birthday party. Gabriel is super squishy and huggable, can talk and understand what you say now, and I taught him “up” and “down.” Eva inspired me to get the Sunday paper again and use the sales circulars this time, to start using coupons again and keep them organized, to try making bread again, and she helped me figure out which phone to get when I’m eligible for an upgrade (which was actually a big issue). I made homemade crock pot spaghetti sauce for dinner last night and it was a big hit.

Maybe now I'll be able to make it through the last 3 weeks of tax season.

Progress

It appears that the MRSA is responding to the antibiotics! Praise God! We do not think he will have to be hospitalized again. We also got the prostate biopsy results back. The good news is that they didn't see any cancer. The bad news is that there were some abnormal cells, so he has to have another biopsy in 3 months. I am praying that will be the end of it.

When Phil called his boss to talk about when he might try to go back to work, he was told that the are laying off people for the first time in the history of the company and it would be best if he stays on disability for now and lays low for a few months. Upsetting news but clear direction from God and you can't argue with that.

Work has been extremely stressful because I am having to do parts of other people's jobs as well as my own. Tax season causes so much stress that we all have meltdowns. I can't wait until April 15. The payroll person is leaving on April 2 for eight days and I will have to do all the payrolls. I am dreading it because I don't like doing payroll and am not that familiar with it. But I can do all things through Christ.

I am taking off tomorrow after work to go see Eva and my babies because Kevin is on a trip until Sunday night. I can't wait! My emotional margin has been all used up and I am hoping that this time away will help build it back up so that I don't feel like crying when any little thing goes wrong. When Alex was born 3 years ago, I felt like God promised me that whenever I miss him and feel like I can't stand it anymore, He will make a way for me to go and see him ... and He has done just that. Every. Single. Time. I am very, very grateful. Alex and Gabe are the joys of my life. Being a grandmother is the best thing in the world.

Ceiling Fans

Today the doctor put Phil on the only oral antibiotic left to try to treat the MRSA. If this doesn't work, he will have to be hospitalized for 4-6 weeks in order to be treated with I.V. antibiotics.

I asked my boss to figure out how much we need to request to be withheld for taxes from the disability payments and was disappointed to find out that it was a lot more than I thought. This is a hard thing. The whole day was difficult and I was near tears. I was able to talk to my pastor during lunch and he prayed for me and that helped.

This evening, a friend came over and installed a ceiling light kit in my room and a new ceiling fan in the living room. It was the last step in getting new light kits on each fan in the house so that I can actually stand on the floor and change the bulbs instead of balancing on a step stool to remove the globes first. What I didn't count on was the vast improvement in the amount of light in each room.

The fan in the living room was the cheapest one that Walmart had but it's the most beautiful fan I have ever seen! My friend has no idea what he did for me and at just the right time. This ministered deeply to my heart. It sounds like a little thing but it's like the Lord is saying that He still has good things for me in this life ... at a time when it's very hard to see the good because the bad is so big.

A Hard Day

It's been a hard day for Phil. I actually had a good day for once but then I came home ...

It turns out that his staph infection is getting worse so he's going to the doctor tomorrow to see what the next step is. If he needs IV antibiotics, then he might have to go back into a hospital, although for the life of me, I can't figure out which one to use this time. This is the kind of staph that is resistant to antibiotics.

He also found out that they are going to begin laying off people at his work for the first time in the company's history. We don't really know anything yet but we somehow doubt that they will let him go back to work now. So I guess that's that. At least he is on a kind of disability and has applied for Social Security Disability. But it's still going to be hard.

He also found out that his best friend is moving to another state in a few months, back to where he grew up. He has been a good friend and God has used him greatly for us.

It feels like life is over but we've been through this before and things have always eventually worked out somehow. I wish I knew someone on disability that I could talk to but the only person I know of lives in Washington.

I know that God will somehow get us through this too. It's just hard. It's a lot to process.

Rambling

It's been a long time ... and it's hard to start writing again when I've been away for so long.

We only have around 4 more weeks left of tax season and I'm glad because no matter how much you prepare for it, it ends up being brutal. I don't know how the accountants do it every year.

Jesse, our 20 yr. old son, moved out into an apartment about a month ago and it was hard adjusting to an empty nest. We get to see him almost every weekend, which is very nice. I have been fixing up his room for guests, although we all agreed we wouldn't change it very much until he graduates college (just in case). Several years ago, we let him (helped him) paint it black because he had always wanted a black room - even the ceiling! It is black with red trim, so I am trying to add as much white to it as possible ... and it's working! I think it looks very nice.

I got up early today (6:15) and worked really hard on his room and then cleaned the house. I had just finished the last thing when a good friend came over so we could work on her daughters' taxes. It was so nice to see her since she lives an hour away and we don't get to visit very often. It's funny how God can draw two people together in a close friendship even under odd circumstances.

It's now pouring rain and getting colder. We're supposed to get a wintry mix later. Everyone is so tired of winter this year but I feel all warm and snuggly in my clean house.

Phil had a prostate biopsy this week and we should get the results in a few days. He has a nodule in there and half of them turn out to be cancer. I sure hope we don't have to go through that too. He has been going in to work some afternoons (not being paid) just to get used to it again (it's been 8 mos.) and hopes to try to actually work soon but if this is cancer, I can't see that happening. Compared to what we've been through, the cancer itself wouldn't be so hard but his health is so fragile that the treatment would be very difficult. Oh well, it's best not to think about such things before it's necessary.

Yesterday when I got home from work, I started crying in the shower and couldn't stop. I had no idea why I was crying. I think it's just the stress of tax season and everything. It wears you out because you are busy from the moment you get there and you have to deal with people constantly. On April 16, that office changes completely and becomes a different (peaceful, quiet) place.

I have decided to work on some small cross stitches for a while from a book called "Mini-Garden Designs" which has a verse with every design. The first one I'm doing has a basket of fruit and says: "Taste and see that the Lord is good." I thought it was appropriate. I will make them into ornaments, cards, or small pillows and might try to sell some on eBay.

We finally got some disability money last week and bought a riding lawnmower because ours was on its last leg. In fact, I don't even know how it made it through last season. This is my first automatic and it's a beaut! It even has a little cart I can pull. They delivered it a week ago and I spent all afternoon cleaning up the yard and clearing out brush. Only God knows what having this lawnmower means to me. Our yard is about an acre and then I am also trying to keep the field clear, which is almost another acre (although a neighbor does most of that work). This is truly a gift from God's hand and I am very grateful for it.

Tax Season

Since I work in an accountant's office, tax season is the busiest time of the year. I am responsible for daily billing, instead of twice a month, and there are numerous spreadsheets and other projects to do, along with handling the constant stream of people, tax documents, and the phones ringing off the hook. During the rest of the year, it's a completely different office - very calm and quiet.

During tax season, I work full-time and it was amazing how quickly I adjusted to it this year. It's funny how life goes because when I'm working part-time, I am so busy at home that I think there is no way I can work full-time again, but when tax season comes around, everything else falls away and it's easy to work all day.

I used to be scared every time we had to do our taxes and let my husband handle the whole thing. Our tax refund was always our savings and I was scared that we would owe money instead of getting a refund. A few years ago, I had an opportunity to take a tax class with H&R Block. It lasted for months and was very intense, but I was hungry to learn because I was so tired of being scared, so I ate it up and ended up getting the best grade in the class on the final exam. We learned - in detail - what every single line means on the tax return. We learned how to fill out every single federal form - by hand and on the computer. It was very valuable information and I am so grateful for that class because I will never be scared again. Knowledge is a powerful thing!

I love my job! I have the best bosses in the world and the best co-workers too. Even during the chaos of tax season, there is no where else I would rather be.

Scarves

I have been in the mood to crochet! I found a scarf pattern where you crochet the length instead of the width, so I decided to see how much old yarn I could use up making striped scarves. It's been a lot of fun. I still have 2 more to go but need to take a break so my neck and shoulder can rest.

This was my first one - I just love these colors!

I think I might add some fluffy white trim to the sides of this one.

It's hard to tell but this one is made up of different shades of blue.

This one is narrower but I like how it turned out.

This is my favorite because it's so incredibly soft! I trimmed the edges with black eyelash yarn.

Anger

I haven't written in a while because I've been dealing with a lot of anger. Phil was unexpectedly released one week ago this morning and we found out a few days later that it was just gastritis. His stomach and esophagus were inflamed because he hadn't eaten much in a month. It was nothing that required a hospital but simply the decision to eat and drink no matter what. He is finally doing just that and is a whole lot better.

Last night I went to a worship service in a friend's home where they were webstreaming the service at IHOP in Kansas City. God has been moving at IHOP in wonderful ways since November. During the service, I felt like the Lord very clearly said to me, "You are powerless." This is the truth that I so often lose sight of. God is in control and I am not, so I might as well stop *trying* and rest.

And it doesn't matter that we made a mistake and kept running to hospitals when we didn't need to because God forgives us and He can cover it. He is my strength and my refuge. He is also my Provider. He provided the $1000 to pay the Cobra payment for next month and I am so grateful! That is always a difficult thing to face every month.

Hospital again

I am so puzzled. It seems like Phil does better when he's in the hospital than when he's at home. Last night, after 7 1/2 hours in the ER, he was admitted to Baptist. This is the third time in a month and it's getting really old. He says he has been so nauseated that he hasn't been able to eat since coming home and he ended up getting dehydrated, which is why they admitted him. They are going to scope his stomach tomorrow and I don't know whether to hope that they find something or that they don't.

I am exhausted. I hope that one day soon, things will change because I don't know how much longer I can do this. Tax season has started and I am working full-time, taking care of him, taking care of the house, groceries, meals, etc. I am weary in every sense of the word.

We "shared" a huge trauma room with a curtain down the middle with a woman who was obviously rich and well-known in the state government. The doctors were practically bowing at her feet and she got anything she wanted. She even told them which floor to admit her to. But ... her CT scan showed that the cancer they thought they had removed during gallbladder surgery 3 months ago had probably spread. In the end, money and connections don't mean a thing. I felt so sorry for her.

A Vision

Last Sunday during worship, I had a "vision" where our finances were on the left side and Phil was on the right side. Both the finances and Phil were very high up, like high in the sky, and I was on the ground looking up at them. As I looked, I began to understand that there was nothing I could do about either one, that God was the only One who could change or fix or affect either one.

Both of these areas of my life are BEYOND me. They are so far beyond me that I can’t even touch either one. I might try to touch them but I can’t, not really. Only God can. He began to whisper to me, "Let Me take it. Let Me take it." Over and over again. So I gave both of these things to Him.

I began to have a sense of God hovering above them, a sense of Him moving in these areas. He is high and lifted up and He is greater than my troubles. He, and only He, can do anything about either one of these things. So it’s best if I let Him take over and stop trying to “fix” or “figure out” these things. He already has it all figured out. All I can do is watch from below. That's all He wants me to do, to watch Him move. His ways are higher than ours.

Update

Well, it turned out not to be pancreatitis and that is good. It was a bad gallbladder attack for which he needed to be hospitalized and treated because things like that are a lot harder on his body than on other people. His breathing has improved and he is off of oxygen. They found a nodule in his prostate that will eventually require a biopsy.

The plan is to wait 2 months and then see a surgeon about removing his gallbladder and doing the biopsy at the same time. Because of multiple abdominal surgeries, he will probably have to have an open surgery which will require about a week in the hospital and 2 more months to recover. I am not even going to think about him going back to work until July. Bummer.

I find that sometimes I have hope that this will all eventually end and sometimes I think this is going to be the way our lives are from now on. Today is sort of a discouraging day. It started out filled with anxiety because he told me last night that he was coming home today (and we are expecting snow too). I felt completely overwhelmed but managed to give it all to the Lord and concentrate on doing my job. Later on I found out that the doctor wanted to keep him a few more days, for which I am exceedingly grateful. I also found out that the snow isn't supposed to start until this evening so it shouldn't cause a problem.

The good things are: this is his second day off of oxygen, he does have a bit of an appetite (although eating and drinking are hard due to pain caused by thrush caused by antibiotics), and they are walking him twice a day. God is faithful and He will get us through this. He still has a plan for our lives, even if I can't see it. And He knows how hard this is for me and that counts for something in His eyes. I would never make it without Him.

Pancreatitis

We welcomed the new year in in the ER and Phil has now been diagnosed with pancreatitis caused by gallstones. It appears that he will need surgery to remove his gallbladder and for him surgery is not a simple matter. In fact, it is very dangerous on several different levels. Any surgery will be done in Little Rock which is where his surgeon is.

Because of the prayers of God's people, I am moving through this with grace - otherwise I would be devastated. He hasn't even recovered fully from the August surgery. I know it's probably foolish, but I still have a hope that, some day, he will be well enough to return to work. However, I will be filling out the disability paperwork next week.

I have felt like God has been telling me, "I have a plan." I'm glad because I don't. We have been through a lot medically with Phil but this is far and away the worst. This is beyond me. I am going to have to start working full-time next week because tax season is upon us, so I will only be able to visit him once a week but he said, "We have to do what we have to do. It's OK." I'm so grateful.

God has given me a doctor friend who used to be our family doctor but is now retired. When we talk on the phone, I can ask him any question and he gives me the information I need. I wonder if he realizes how greatly God is using him to minister to me. When I didn't know how on earth I would get him to Little Rock, he told me they would take him by ambulance and I didn't even need to give it another thought. He explained how the gallstones caused the pancreatitis (by a stone blocking the common bile duct). He explains anything I need to know and it is a great comfort.

My children have been wonderful too. When I told my daughter that I don't know what I would have done without my son, who is still at home, she said that they were actually considering trying to find a job and moving back here just so I wouldn't be alone. Wow. I wouldn't ever want them to do that because they are so happy where they are now but that really ministered to me. I am not alone, even though it feels that way sometimes.

And my pastor is always there for me. I can call him or stop by to talk to him any time I want. He has walked through all of this with us for the past 6 years and knows my personality so well that he knows just what to say to help me gain some perspective. I couldn't have made it this far without his support.

And so we walk on, one day at a time and one step at a time. God has a plan and He is in control of our lives and that is enough ...

Thank You

Father, thank You for so many things. You are so good to me. Thank You for always, always showing me exactly when to take Phil to the hospital. Thank You that I wasn’t losing my mind - he really was fairly OK when he got home and went downhill yesterday. Thank You that You have made me into an excellent nurse, even though that was and is the last thing I ever wanted to be. Thank You that, even though I still get scared, You have helped me conquer most of the fear and it’s not nearly as bad as it was.

Thank You for giving me that picture of using the rolling chair to get him to the car and for helping me to do that. Thank You that there was a definite reason to admit him. Thank You so much for lifting a huge heavy weight off of my shoulders. Thank You that I will have another blessed week to rest without him. Thank You that there is actually a reason all of this is happening and with that comes hope that the next time he is released, things will go well. Thank You that they can put him on a feeding tube and he will be strengthened. Thank You that he is local and not an hour away.

Thank You that this wasn’t a surprise to You and that You still have a plan for our lives, as pitiful as they may be. Thank You that my babies are coming tomorrow and that You can give me the energy to get ready for them. Thank You for giving me children or else my life would be so sad. Thank You that You are with me forever and ever and will never leave me alone. Thank You for giving me a financial plan so that I don’t have to worry. Thank You that You won’t give me more than I can handle. Thank You that Janet came and changed Phil’s ostomy and that she gave me crucial information that helped me make the right decisions. Thank You that we will be able to take the maximum medical deduction because I was able to get those bills paid off.

Thank You that even when I can’t feel Your presence and I can’t manage to have quiet time, You are still with me and You love me. Thank You so much for finally taking away the fear that he might not be able to ever work again. I am finally free from that thing that was hovering over me for the past few years because I truly don’t care anymore. It doesn’t matter any more because I know that You will provide for us no matter what. Thank You so much, Lord. Thank You that other people are praying when I can’t really do much of that.