My Story - June 2005

This is the story of the most difficult time of our lives. May the telling of it bring hope to others and help me to heal.

6/22/05 Wednesday 8 am

Last night, for some reason, I began to ask Phil about colon surgery and one thing led to another. It was almost as if I was being used as a instrument of God to set things in motion. Phil was ripe for the picking and immediately began to embrace the idea of surgery and said he would set up an appointment with a surgeon as soon as possible. He even had one already picked out. I did not say that I thought he should get surgery - I was simply asking about it and things began to happen. We both felt scared last night and I cried myself to sleep.

This morning the Lord met me strongly and gave me scripture after scripture. I feel like He is saying that He wants Phil to have this surgery and that He is not only going to heal him physically through it, but He is going to use this experience to heal us emotionally from the wounds of two years ago. It will be painful as we will be walking back through those doorways of pain, but He will take care of us in every way.

I feel like the Lord is telling me that we are to be open and vulnerable and share our needs with the church. He is telling me to ask them to pray specifically for complete physical healing and, just as importantly, ask them to pray for emotional healing from the past. He is showing me who to talk to. And I am to write down the scriptures that He is giving me and give them to the people to pray.

Here are the scriptures:

Do you believe that I am able to do this? According to your faith

will it be done to you. Matt. 9:28-29

He taketh away the first that He may establish the second.

Heb. 10:9

Gladness and joy will overtake them,

and sorrow and sighing will flee away. Is. 35:10

I will bring them back to this land. I will build them up

and not tear them down; I will plant them and not uproot them.

Jer. 24:6

Surely, as I have planned, so it will be, and as I have

purposed, so it will stand. Is. 14:24

The ransomed of the Lord will return.

They will enter Zion with singing;

Everlasting joy will crown their heads.

Gladness and joy will overtake them,

And sorrow and sighing will flee away.

I, even I, am He who comforts you.

Who are you that ... you live in constant terror every day

Because of the wrath of the oppressor,

Who is bent on destruction?

For where is the wrath of the oppressor?

The cowering prisoners will soon be set free;

They will not die in their dungeon,

Nor will they lack bread.

For I am the Lord your God,

Who churns up the sea so that its waves roar -

The Lord Almighty is His name.

I have put My words in your mouth

And covered you with the shadow of My hand. Is. 51:11-16

Though you were ruined and made desolate

And your land laid waste ...

Those who devoured you will be far away. Is. 39:19

The Lord will keep you from all harm

He will watch over your life;

The Lord will watch your coming and going

Both now and forevermore. Ps. 121:7-8

My Story - July 2004

This is the story of the most difficult time of our lives. May the telling of it bring hope to others and help me to heal.

7/18/04 Sunday 9 pm

Phil went to the elders’ meeting tonight to resign from his position as elder but instead was put on inactive status. He will not be leading worship either but I think he might still be playing on the worship teams. He is angry at God because his diverticular disease is getting worse and worse and he is in a lot of pain every morning. He said he has been praying and praying and praying for either healing or peace and has gotten neither. He is very, very discouraged. The elders were shocked that they hadn’t known what was going on and spent a long time praying for him. From what he said, it didn’t seem to help, and they don’t have a plan on how to deal with this other then trying to keep in touch with him better.

When I think things can’t get any worse, they do. He has a chronic illness and God doesn’t seem to be answering his cries for help. I told him that there are a lot of things I don’t understand but I know that God is good and loves us. I know that, no matter what I see with my eyes.

As bad as everything is right now, I unreasonably believe that, spiritually, things are about to happen, God is about to start moving. Phil said that when he thinks about last year, the pain isn’t the worst thing. The thing that he hated the most, that was the most painful for him, was the complete, utter dependency. That helplessness is what traumatized him most of all and what he is most afraid of.

7/19/04 Monday 7:30 am

Last night right before I was about to go to sleep, I had the sudden realization that what Phil is experiencing is diverticulitis, which is just diverticulosis with an infection. I suddenly remembered last time this happened - about 2 years ago. He had the exact same symptoms and was saying the same things. When he finally went in to see Dr. H. about it, the doctor was angry that he had waited so long for treatment. I was so sure of what the Lord had shown me that I got up and went to tell him. I had mentioned the possibility of this when we were talking earlier in the evening and he had dismissed it, but this time he listened.

I feel like the Lord gave me this verse concerning Phil: A bruised reed He will not break, and a smoldering wick He will not snuff out. (Is. 42:3) I felt like He also gave me this verse for myself: Be still and know that I am God. (Ps. 46:10)

7/22/04 Wednesday 2:30 pm

Phil just called and said that he did go to see Dr. H. and he does have diverticulitis.

My Story - February 2004

This is the story of the most difficult time of our lives. May the telling of it bring hope to others and help me to heal.

2/9/04 Monday 3:30 pm

They will come out with great possessions. (Gen. 15:14) God spoke this verse to me on Saturday during a Bible Study and then again this morning when I woke up. And He is doing just that - He is giving us great possessions! Today I went to Little Rock and purchased a laptop computer!!! This has been a dream of mine for at least 4 years and it has always seemed to be an impossible dream.

As I was finishing the “Breaking Free” Bible Study by Beth Moore on Saturday, the lesson was about the Israelites coming out of Egypt and she pointed out that it was God’s will that they plunder their enemies. God delivered them with riches of gold and silver and costly stones (Exo. 12:35) which they later used to build Moses’ Tabernacle, the place where the glory of God dwelt. Beth told us to name our plunder and when I asked God to help me, it all poured forth out of my heart.

My plunder from the enemy this past year ...

discernment

knowing the enemy’s tricks better

greater faith

the ability to stand

a deeper trust of God

the ability to worship in the dark

a greater dependence on God

knowing by experience that He will provide even when it looks impossible

deeper friendships

deeper intimacy with the Lord

having my faith tested and having it come forth like gold

knowing that when it comes to the bottom line, I choose God’s will over my life & over Phil’s life

learning how to fight through worship

greater assurance of who I am in Christ and greater confidence in the gifts He has given me

a greater appreciation of the gift of prophecy

knowing that in my neediest times, I can still give to my friends

a harvest of intercession on our behalf

As I wrote this list, I realized that if there had been no trials, there would have been no plunder. These things are treasures, they are precious treasures that could be gotten no other way than walking through this darkness. Beth said that the plunder will become a display of God’s splendor. It was literal with the Israelites and it is spiritual with us. Their plunder became the very materials used to build the Tabernacle, it became the treasures used to display God’s splendor. (Exo. 35:4-29). Beth said that God will force the enemy to give up plunder to you, so look for it and expect it so that you don’t miss it.

This morning, I felt like God kept saying, “They will come out with great possessions.” over and over again. (I had asked for a confirmation about the laptop.) I looked at the serger sitting on my sewing table and thought about the laptop and the truck and the tax money.

My Story - February 2004

This is the story of the most difficult time of our lives. May the telling of it bring hope to others and help me to heal.

2/1/04 Sunday 10 am - 2/2/04 Monday

This morning Phil played backup for worship for the first time in 7 months. During Sunday School time, Brian F. walked in (he leads Common Ground) and he sat with us during the service. He had been wanting to visit our church but had no idea that it was Phil’s first time back. It was interesting to listen to him and Dale talk about Phil. Brian said that after Common Ground’s first meeting in January, he and Boyd knew that it was time for Phil to come back, so they decided to set his place up every week and pray - and after a few weeks, Phil came back. Dale said that he, too, knew it was time and told him that he was going to start scheduling him to play on the worship team in February. And here it is February 1 and he’s already playing again.

2/4/04 Wednesday

and I made myself do our taxes because I didn’t want them hanging over my head. I wanted to know what was going on so that I could adjust my Federal Withholding if necessary. As I was figuring out the computations, I had a scare because I thought for a minute that we owed close to $2000, but it turned out that we were getting a refund of about $1755.

Later, I asked Eva to look over my tax computations. She had taken part of an H&R Block tax course in the fall, so she was happy to deal with our taxes. By using the things that she had learned in the course, she was able to find us about $500 and then Phil found us about $400. According to both of them, we will be getting a refund of $2959!!!

This has never ever happened to us before! I have paid off all of the medical bills and all we owe is $2000 - $3000 to my parents and $1000 to his parents. A few days ago, I sent a $200 check to my mom for the first payment. And now it looks like we will be able to pay both sets of parents off in full within a month! Jehovah-Jireh, My Provider!!!

My Story - December 2003

This is the story of the most difficult time of our lives. May the telling of it bring hope to others and help me to heal.

12/19/03 Friday 9 pm

This morning I received a call from a nurse at Otterbein Homes, where my mom and sweet step-father live, telling me that Marion had collapsed and was in the ER. It turned out to be a blood clot in his brain that had formed due to a fall he had several days ago, which caused a stroke. He had surgery and is doing well, but will be in the hospital for a while and then in rehab. It’s been a stressful day.

The Lord also gave me the verse in Proverbs 3 that says: Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. When I look at what is going on around me, I sure do not understand what He is doing. None of it makes any sense to me at all and yet I do trust Him and I believe that He will fulfill the Word that He has spoken to me.

12/26/03 Friday 8 am

Christmas was truly amazing! This year I let go of everything and didn’t strive and, much to my amazement, God moved in and gave gift upon gift!

While Eva and Kevin were over, Phil suddenly asked Kevin to help him move his recliner back into the living room. He proceeded to completely move out of the computer room and back into the rest of the house! It was a complete surprise to me - in fact, I had recently finally let go of the whole thing and decided that God must have a good reason for keeping him isolated. And he apologized for isolating himself from the family for so long. I heard him tell his brother on the phone that yesterday was the best day he had had since he getting out of the hospital. And it was the first time he had slept in our bed since March. In one day, God brought divine order to our house, just like He said He would! This morning, He gave me this verse:

Lord, You establish peace for us; All that we have accomplished You have done for us.

O Lord, our God, other lords besides You have ruled over us,

But Your Name alone do we honor.

They are now dead, they live no more; those departed spirits do not rise.

You punished them and brought them to ruin; You wiped out all memory of them.

Isaiah 26:12-14

God also gave me other wonderful gifts. Eva and Kevin came over not only once but twice, and we played Guess Who?, ate apple pie, and had a lot of fun. One day last week, Dale had taken Phil out to the Hastings Café (Eva is the manager) to hear a guitar-player, and Phil had taken that opportunity to buy me a CD for Christmas, much to my surprise. We had used my mom’s Christmas money to buy a DVD/video player, and yesterday I discovered that it not only plays the CDs that I create, but it plays regular CDs too!!! In the living room - through the TV! It’s so incredibly cool!!!

We were listening to Jesse’s new shortwave radio, picking up stations from all kinds of countries, when he tried the local band and suddenly heard music from his Christmas band concert coming out of the radio! A local station was playing the CD that had been made of the concert and was Jesse ever surprised!

While playing “Guess Who?” with Eva and Kevin, I had an important insight. They wanted to make the game more interesting by guessing two people instead of one, which is a lot harder. I felt intimidated playing against them because they are so sharp, so I asked Jesse to help me. After a while he went and sat down somewhere else, and then when I won a game, he pointed out that I had beaten them all by myself. I realized that when Eva and Kevin won a game, I was sure it was due to their high intelligence but when I won, I was equally sure it was because I was “lucky”. I discount myself without even realizing it!

This was the best Christmas ever. I didn’t try to “make” Christmas - I just sort of let it happen - and it was wonderful! The whole day was very peaceful and relaxed. I didn’t strive in any way or even try to keep the house clean or anything, but it ended up cleaned and we ended up having a wonderful meal and spending time with our wonderful children. Having a nice quiet Christmas at home can be the best thing of all! God is so very good to me!

My Story - December 2003

This is the story of the most difficult time of our lives. May the telling of it bring hope to others and help me to heal.

12/18/03 Thursday 7:30 am

Phil is in a deep pit of depression and I didn’t realize how bad it was until last night when I asked him how his day went and he burst into tears. I heard darkness and death coming out of his mouth, despair and hopelessness. When I suggested that he go and talk to Travis, he angrily said that prayer won’t help this. What bothers me the most is the bitterness towards God. He is only able to get through each day by God’s grace.

I believe it is from the enemy and I found myself sinking into it also. He is speaking lies and I found myself listening to them and starting to believe them. I realized what was happening and started to pray and read the Bible and then I was able to get back on even footing.

God gave me scriptures and a song this morning and I was encouraged. He keeps on saying “Trust Me” and I do choose to trust Him with this. It is not over by a long shot and I have no idea what else we will have to go through. I am willing to do whatever He shows me to do. I trust Him with our lives and with our sanity. It looks so impossible from here and yet I know that He can do the impossible.

These are the scriptures and the song that He gave me this morning:

Then you will call upon Me and come and pray to Me, and

I will listen to you. I will be found by you, declares the Lord,

and will restore your fortunes. Jer. 29:12,14

To me, God is saying that a time is coming when I will call to Him and pray to Him about this very situation, and He will listen to me and will be found by me. He will answer and it will be very apparent that He is answering and He will restore everything that has been taken by the enemy.

Some of the wise will stumble, so that they may be refined,

purified, and made spotless ... for it will still come at the

appointed time. Dan. 11:35

To me, God is saying that He can use this time to refine Phil and purify him. I can leave it in God’s hands and not be upset about it, despite everything that I am seeing with my eyes.

“Don’t grow weary doing well, don’t surrender in the fight;

Keep on storming the gates of hell and doing what you know is right.

For there will be seasons of testing and there may be weeping for a night,

But soon we’ll be reaping the blessings if we keep on pressing toward the light.

Don’t grow weary doing well ...”

God is saying that He sees me and He knows how hard this is and how tired we both are. He is encouraging me to keep on going and not surrender to the enemy. He is exhorting me to keep on praying and doing warfare and doing what He has shown me to do. He is telling me that a better day is coming if we don’t give up.

O Lord, what is man that You care for him, the son of man that You think of him?

Man is like a breath; his days are like a fleeting shadow. Ps. 144:3-4

God sees Phil and He cares about our situation.

Part your heavens, O Lord, and come down; touch the mountains, so that they smoke.

Send forth lightning and scatter the enemies, shoot Your arrows and rout them.

Reach down from on high; deliver me and rescue me from the mighty waters,

From the hands of foreigners whose mouths are full of lies,

Whose right hands are deceitful. Ps. 144:5-8

There will come a time when God will come down on our behalf and rout our enemies. He will reach down and rescue us.

I will sing a new song to You, O God; on the ten-stringed lyre I will make music to You,

To the One who gives victory to kinds, Who delivers His servant David

From the deadly sword.

Deliver and rescue me from the hands of foreigners

Whose mouths are full of lies, whose right hands are deceitful. Ps. 144:10-11

God is going to give Phil victory and put a new song in his mouth. Phil’s relationship with God will be restored and he will worship God again with his whole heart.

Then our sons in their youth will be like well- nurtured plants,

And our daughters will be like pillars carved to adorn a palace.

Our barns will be filled with every kind of provision.

Our sheep will increase by thousands, by tens of thousands in our fields;

Our oxen will draw heavy loads.

There will be no breaching of walls, no going into captivity,

No cry of distress in our streets.

Blessed are the people of whom this is true;

Blessed are the people whose God is the Lord. Ps. 144:12-15

A better day is coming!

My Story - December 2003

This is the story of the most difficult time of our lives. May the telling of it bring hope to others and help me to heal.

12/6/03 Saturday 7:30 pm

When I sat down with the ice pack after an hour of ironing, I automatically started to put it on my shoulder and then realized that it was my back that hurt. God has completely healed my shoulder! He said He would and He did!

I am so blessed! I have a job with flexible hours that I enjoy. I still have a wonderful child at home. Phil is working 6 hours a day consistently and we have our insurance back now. God has given me fulfilling projects to do - sewing, cross stitch, scrapbooking, writing, etc. And God has given me heart friends who love me deeply, and my relationship with them is all about the Lord. One blessing after another.

12/7/03 Sunday 1:30 pm

Jesse is in the Christmas orchestra in our church this year and I am at their rehearsal. The first song gave me goosebumps! I had decided to pay him to be in it this year but it never came to that because when he saw the music, he knew he could do it. I’m so glad he’s in it! I pray that God would anoint his trumpet and that it would always be played for His glory.

Church was hard because it is so dead and I feel so alone. However, God continues faithfully to encourage me. Travis said in Sunday School this morning that when God says something will happen, it will happen, and God gave me several verses this morning.

For I will restore the fortunes of the land as they were before, says the Lord. Jer. 33:11

And so after waiting patiently, Abraham received what was promised. Heb. 6:156

Be glad, O barren woman, who bears no children;

Break forth and cry aloud, you who have no labor pains;

Because more are the children of the desolate woman

Than of her who has a husband. Gal. 4:27

Yet he did not waver through unbelief regarding the promise of God,

but was strengthened in his faith and gave glory to God, being fully

persuaded that God had power to do what He had promised. Rom. 4:20-21

I feel like God is telling me that He will heal Phil completely and that He will restore everything else that goes along with it - finances, emotional trauma, etc. I think He is also saying that I need to keep on waiting patiently, standing firm and believing that He will do everything that He has promised to do, both personally and in the church. And I don’t know what the Gal. verse means, except that somehow I will “bear” children. I certainly am barren right now.

My Story - November 2003

This is the story of the most difficult time of our lives. May the telling of it bring hope to others and help me to heal.

11/22/03 Saturday

Then I dreamt that Phil had died. First my mother had died and then about a month later, Phil died. He actually died physically and his body was at the funeral home. There was no doubt that he was totally, completely dead. His funeral was going to be tomorrow and I was at a gathering at someone else’s house like you have when people die. I had been emotionally beginning to deal with his death, thinking that I was going to need to get a full-time job and thinking about how much I would miss him and how I would be alone. I was sitting on a sofa, thinking that he wouldn’t be there when I needed to talk to him and that I wouldn’t have him to lean on, and everyone was talking quietly.

And then he walked into the place where we were! He walked in and I knew it was him. He looked kind of sheepish, like he knew that nobody would believe what he was about to say. I said something like, “Is it really you?” and when he said yes, then I knew that God had raised him from the dead. I said something like, “God raised you from the dead!” and he said yes. I hugged him and cried for a long time. I completely, totally believed but the others, even though they were right there and could see him with their own eyes just like I could, didn’t embrace the truth right away. It didn’t matter to us, though.

My Story - November 2003

This is the story of the most difficult time of our lives. May the telling of it bring hope to others and help me to heal.

11/14/03 Friday 7:30 am

As I have been dancing in Phil’s room all week, I have seen changes. He saw his first clients the day after I began - one was scheduled but one was not. And yesterday he said that he is doing well except in the mornings but then he said that he is sure that will change too. Those are the first words of hope instead of depression that I have heard come out of his mouth in ages. Today, I felt like God gave me some verses that describe what He has been doing with me as I dance in that room.

Do not be afraid ... for I Myself will help you ...

See, I will make you into a threshing sledge,

New and sharp, with many teeth.

You will thresh the mountains and crush them,

And reduce the hills to chaff.

You will winnow them, the wind will pick them up,

And a gale will blow them away.

But you will rejoice in the Lord

And glory in the Holy One of Israel. Isaiah 41:14-16

11/18/03 Tuesday 8 am

I had to ask Phil if he would start taking Jesse to church again so that I could go back to Travis’ class. I guess I assumed that as he got better, he would take up the things again that he wasn’t able to do for the past few months, but he isn’t about to do that. I have to ask for every little thing and so I will. I heard him telling someone at church that he is basically fine now except for the depression. The fatigue is almost totally gone.

I have been clinically depressed and I know how awful it is, but millions of people are clinically depressed and you just have to go on anyway, so I don’t have much sympathy left. He has been perfectly content with working 4 hours a day and not even trying to increase the hours, which has been extremely frustrating for me, so the other day I confronted him about it and now this week he is working 5 hours a day and said that he will keep increasing it each week. Maybe by Jan. 1, he will be working full time again. Sometimes I just want to scream!!! I don’t like him very much right now.

I am still worshiping in his “room” every day while he is at work. Sometimes it’s wonderful and sometimes it just work. But I am determined to obey no matter what.

My Story - November 2003

This is the story of the most difficult time of our lives. May the telling of it bring hope to others and help me to heal.

11/10/03 Monday 2:30 pm

I found myself in T’s office this morning, purely on his initiation and not mine. He asked what was going on and listened as I told him. He said that he heard darkness coming out of my mouth - despair, hopelessness, helplessness, confusion, depression, and gloom - and that I was double-minded and deceived. Needless to say, this was hard to hear, and I even prayed that he would hurry up and finish so that I could leave because I was under such heavy condemnation as he spoke. He kept saying that I needed to fight and I was feeling more and more overwhelmed because I don’t have any strength left.

He showed me a picture of a bull-fighting arena with a bull just coming into it, and he said that God has let this bull into our arena, but He hand-picked the bull to be sure that we could handle it. And we have been laying down and letting the bull run us into the ground, but God wants us to get up and fight. God allows things to come into our lives to test us, but that does not mean that we are to submit to them. I have been submitting to it, thinking that I was submitting to God’s will, and that was a lie - I have been deceived.

He wanted to pray for me and as he did, I felt like God told me to go into Phil’s “room” when he is at work and worship using my tambourine. He said that He will lead me into warfare as I worship and dispel the darkness. That room will be filled with light! When I told T what God had said to me, he suddenly felt the Holy Spirit’s presence strongly and he agreed that is what I should do and even suggested that I not say a word to Phil but just watch and see what God does. He said that as I dance, darkness will flee and that will be a powerful testimony. Several times he talked about me standing up in front of people and giving a testimony of victory. He said that I am an overcomer.

When I got home and Phil left, I went right into his room and worshiped, not being mindful of the time (it ended up being an hour) or anything else. I worshiped and worshiped and felt God’s presence ministering to me. I felt like He was pleased with me and He forgave me for being deceived and attributing this thing to Him when it was the enemy’s work.

God is so good! He is kind and compassionate and always on my side. He is doing this thing - all I have to do is worship Him. That’s all! He will do the rest. And no matter how weak I feel, worshiping Him is one thing that I can do!

My Story - November 2003

This is the story of the most difficult time of our lives. May the telling of it bring hope to others and help me to heal.

11/8/03 Saturday

Phil seems very depressed, although he says the fatigue is getting a little better each week. He’s in his own little (very little) world and I feel so alone. Christmas is next month and I can’t even think about it without getting stressed out. And Thanksgiving is even worse. Not only do we not have Eva and Zachary anymore, but this year, in a way, we don’t have Phil either. I am a single parent and it’s up to me to try to make the holidays passable and bearable for Jesse. Oh, that I had more faith and a greater ability to stand on God’s Word! Last Sunday during the sermon, I felt like God told me that I need to drink this entire cup of suffering. He said, “You don’t want to drink it down to the dregs (the last remaining part).” So I have entered back into this suffering, and it is a miserable place to be.

I feel like God has been telling me to “follow joy”. Joy is when I don’t have a burden of “shoulds” on me. Sometimes I can almost touch freedom in this area and I want that freedom with all my heart. I want freedom to just be myself and to do what I want to do, with no strings attached. I live for others, but in an unhealthy way, because my life is focused on trying to figure out what they want so that I can try to be what they want me to be. God wants to set me free.

I lifted the yoke ... Hosea 11:4

The images carried about are burdensome, a burden for the weary. Isaiah 46:1

Come to Me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest;

take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in

heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My

burden is light. Matthew 11:28-30

My yoke is works but God’s yoke is grace. In “Morning and Evening”, Charles Spurgeon says that: “The life of faith is represented as receiving - an act which implies the very opposite of anything like merit. It is simply the acceptance of a gift. As the earth drinks in the rain, so we, giving nothing, partake freely of the grace of God. The saints ... are but cisterns into which the living water flows; they are empty vessels into which God pours His salvation. The idea of receiving implies a sense of realization ... Receiving also means grasping or getting possession of ... I appropriate to myself that which is given.” I think he is saying that faith is receiving from God by grace that which He wants to give to us - things like rest and peace.

God has been talking to me about “tomorrow.” I feel like He gave me the story in 2 Kings 6-7 to encourage me about our situation - which can be extremely discouraging at times.

This disaster is from the Lord ... Hear the word of the Lord ... About this

time tomorrow, a seah of flour will sell for a shekel ... Could this happen?...

It happened as the man of God had said. 2 Kings 6-7

I led them with cords of human kindness, with ties of love;

I lifted the yoke from their neck and bent down to feed them. Hosea 11:4

Consecrate yourselves, for tomorrow the Lord will do amazing

things among you. Joshua 3:5

I hope that tomorrow is soon.

My Story - October 2003

This is the story of the most difficult time of our lives. May the telling of it bring hope to others and help me to heal.

10/19/03 Sunday 8:30 pm

It’s been a rough weekend. I knew church would be hard but it was harder than I thought it would be. I asked for prayer and it didn’t work out. I don’t understand. Does God want me to only look to Him or am I inept at communicating my needs? I felt so very lonely and it was so painful that I could hardly stay. When I got home I looked up hidden and it said “invisible”, which is exactly how I feel.

10/24/03 Friday 8 am

O Father, please help me! Help me to rest in You. Help me to stop struggling with this and enter into Your rest and peace. I need You. I love You and I miss You when we’re apart. And when You don’t speak to me, then I feel like we’re apart. Father, I submit to You. I yield to Your will and Your way. I give myself over to You. I say that You know what’s best. I love You and I trust You. Please give me grace for this time of separateness and aloneness.

See, I have refined you ...

I have tested you in the furnace of affliction.

For My own sake, for My own sake, I do this.

How can I let Myself be defamed?

I will not yield My glory to another. Is. 48:10-11

Father, I accept this part of Your refining fire. I accept this. Do whatever You have to do. I give myself to You. I bow to You. I will keep talking to You anyway.

God sees my suffering and calls it affliction. He is teaching me and directing me through this time of refining. It’s not that something is wrong with me. I am perceiving what is happening correctly. It isn’t that I can’t hear - it’s that God isn’t speaking. So I can relax into it and let Him have His way.

My Story - October 2003

This is the story of the most difficult time of our lives. May the telling of it bring hope to others and help me to heal.

10/17/03 Friday 8:30 am

It has been a difficult 24 hrs. and I am having to stand and try to stay steady. Yesterday, I felt like God showed me that if I kept walking on the path I had chosen regarding the money we owe the hospital, I would end up with even more trouble than I already have. They are a big monstrous corporation and they will win in the end, and so to avoid spending even more money on legal help, I called my mom and asked to borrow the money to pay them off.

10/18/03 Saturday 8:30 pm

I don’t know anything right now and maybe that’s the point God is trying to get across to me. I feel like I can hear Him speaking sometimes, but on really important issues He is silent. Regarding Phil’s situation, we don’t know whether God wants us to submit to what is happening or fight. Up until now, we have had to fight for every inch of ground. And so I stumble along trying to do the best I can, which isn’t very good. I try to be content with my life but it hurts so much.

This week I have felt more and more like a widow and it’s wearing on me. Phil is back to sitting and crying all day except for the two hours he’s at work. I don’t know what to do. I can’t help him.

I don’t want to go to church tomorrow but I doubt that Phil will go and someone has to ask them for help to pay our medical insurance. I feel like this is never going to end. Maybe we should file for disability and I should get a full-time job. If this goes on much longer, then I will have no choice.

My Story - October 2003

This is the story of the most difficult time of our lives. May the telling of it bring hope to others and help me to heal.

10/4/03 Saturday 8 am

This morning, God gave me Psalm 65 and it is wonderful! I especially like verses 9-11.


You care for the land and water it; You enrich it abundantly.

The streams of God are filled with water to provide the
people with grain,

For so You have ordained it.

You drench its furrows and level its ridges;

You soften it with showers and bless its crops.

You crown the year with Your bounty,

And Your carts overflow with abundance. (Ps. 65:9-11)


God has given me some of these verses before but today they kind of exploded within me and I understood some of what they mean. God is going to drench my furrows (“trenches, wrinkles; a shelter in warfare”) and level my ridges (“hills”). To me, hills represent places of suffering, so I feel like He is saying that He is going to ease my suffering and level me out emotionally. Furrows are trenches and trenches are “shelters in warfare”, so I think that God is saying that He is going to bring a time of refreshing in place of the time of warfare that I have been going through. He is going to soften me with showers and bless my crops (“useful yield”). I think that this is speaking again of refreshing and that He is saying He is going to bless the work of my hands (that He has established). He is going to crown my year with bounty and overflow my carts with abundance.

To me, this is speaking of material blessings and specifically, of money. I wouldn’t be surprised if all of Phil’s medical bills were paid off by the end of this year! God is caring for me and watering me. I think that means that He is caring for and ministering to me and is going to bring a time of refreshing. He is going to enrich me abundantly. To enrich means to “supply with abundant property” and that confirms the verse about crowing the year with His bounty. All in all, it is a wonderful and exciting Psalm and I receive these promises from the Lord’s hand!

My Story - September 2003

This is the story of the most difficult time of our lives. May the telling of it bring hope to others and help me to heal.

9/22/03 Monday 8 pm

This morning during quiet time I was filled to overflowing with thanksgiving to God. He is so very good to me! He has taken care of my every need and has always provided all that was necessary. He has been completely faithful and has been with me every step of the way. I remember when Phil was in the hospital and I had just started facing the financial stuff and was very scared about it. I was so afraid and it is so nice to be where I am now and see how He really has provided. And yesterday in church someone handed me money! I had to ask the church treasurer if the church could pay, not only our car insurance premium, but our health insurance which had gone up because he’s been off work so long. I dreaded it, but God paved the way, and by the time I asked the treasurer about it, he already knew about it and the deacons had already approved it! When I went to pick up the checks today, I found not only the two insurance checks but also a check for $250 for us. God is so good!

9/27/03 Saturday 8 am

Dr. H. scheduled the CT scan for next Wednesday. When he told Phil, he also wanted to do a blood test for Fifth’s Disease, Phil agreed but told him that he didn’t want any more tests. I feel like God wants to shake us loose from all the doctors. It’s time for them to release us. The most difficult one to deal with is Dr. K. because he is a specialist and we have just started with him. But the tests need to stop and this involves setting boundaries.

9/28/03 Sunday 12:30 pm

When we got home from church, Phil opened a letter from our health insurance and discovered that due to a problem, we will not be covered after next Wednesday. I believe that this is an answer to prayer!!! Because of this “problem”, we have a wonderful opportunity to bow gracefully out of any further testing, including the CT scan, the blood test for Fifth’s Disease, and the appointment with Dr. K.! God is so good! We can shake loose from the doctors gracefully having a perfectly good reason and they won’t be upset with us. I feel certain that this is all God’s doing and that He will protect us during the time that we are not covered by the insurance. He will be our insurance!

9/30/03 Tuesday 7:30 am

Phil is finally free from the side-effects of the drugs - and we are free from the doctors! He is still anxious about going back to work, but I think he might try going in for a while today. Over the weekend, he became aware that the anxiety he was feeling was no longer from the drugs, but purely emotional. On the way home from work yesterday, I suddenly saw the same thing - that he was having anxiety attacks about going back to work. It was very clear to me, so I confronted him when I got home and, to my surprise, he agreed. There is nothing physically wrong with him anymore. I feel frustrated that he has stayed home from work for so very long. Maybe we are finally at the end of this! This has been the hardest thing - on every level - that we have ever been through.

My Story - September 2003

This is the story of the most difficult time of our lives. May the telling of it bring hope to others and help me to heal.

9/19/03 Friday 12 noon

We’re back in the hospital again but this time it’s for a colonoscopy. Actually, the procedure is finished and we are waiting for a barium xray because, just like three years ago, Dr. B. could not see everything due to the diverticular disease. He wants the xray to check for strictures or tumors. Since we are here to find out about inflammation and not tumors, it’s too bad he has to have the x-ray, but the doctor wants to be thorough.

When I asked Dr. B. if he saw any inflammation, he said no, but I am not sure exactly what he meant by that. I will have to ask him more specifically when I talk to him after the x-ray. If we end up without a diagnosis, I don’t think that would bother me.

A most amazing thing happened a little while ago. I went to the business office and was ministered to by the woman I talked with! Since we had to go to the hospital yesterday for pre-admittance, we decided to go to the business office to talk about our bills. Tenet, the company that owns the hospital, has already turned one bill over to a collection agency (even though we have been consistently paying on it), and I wanted to try to stop that from happening with the other two bills. We talked to a woman named Sharon and she said that unless we pay $30/month on each bill, they would end up going to collection. She was nice, but there was nothing she could do.

I prayed and prayed about it, asking God to show me what to do. Since we don’t know how many months he will be off of work, it seems to me like it would be irresponsible to pay that much on a bill. This morning, I decided to go back and talk to Sharon, and she was really happy to see me because she said that we had been on her mind since yesterday. She advised me to pay $10/month on each bill, even though they will still probably be turned over to collection. She said that we need to trust that God will take care of us, and when I told her that He is the only way we have gotten through this, she started to talk about Him more openly. It was wonderful! Here was this woman in the business office ministering to me! God is amazing!

The other wonderful thing that God did was to provide someone to be with me during the worst part of the waiting. It turned out that the place they do colonoscopies is next door to the lab, where Bill works! He and his secretary were wonderful to me!

I was able to come early to the dance class yesterday and help Jean sew. I learned how to make some dance costumes and think that we accomplished a lot, but the best time was in the evening after the class. We prayed together and it was a sweet time. Jean is a wonderful friend and our relationship is so relaxed and easy. I can be myself around her and not worry about anything.

It’s been a rough week and I’m glad it’s Friday. Hopefully the weekend will be better.

6:30 pm

We received good news! After all the testing was complete, Dr. Bell told us that his colon looks like it did 3 years ago and he definitely did not see evidence of inflammatory bowel disease! We consider that to be good news!

My Story - September 2003

This is the story of the most difficult time of our lives. May the telling of it bring hope to others and help me to heal.

9/18/03 Thursday 8 am

I heard a song this morning by Twila Paris that moved me to tears because it expresses how I feel when God speaks to me.

“When You speak to me;

When You place Your Word inside me

I am filled and I am strong again.

And the heavens open when You speak to me,

Pouring light into my waiting heart.”

So often, the Lord has chosen to speak to me through friends. His words are life and breath to me, and I feel like I would die if He stopped speaking to me. In the morning, I long to hear His voice - His words give me strength to face the day.

Phil goes in for his colonoscopy tomorrow and ordinarily it wouldn’t be a big deal, but under the circumstances it is a very difficult thing for both of us. It will probably take him a week to recover physically from it because he is so weak to begin with. I feel so fragile emotionally and Phil is so very, very dependent on me emotionally. I feel like I have another child, except he is more dependent on me than Jesse is and he still cries a lot. I think that these are side-effects of the medication but that doesn’t make it any easier to deal with.

I have taken my hands off of his going back to work and I am not asking God anymore to make it all end. I am trying very hard to accept the fact that this is my life now and it will be my life, maybe for a long, long time. It has already gone on far longer than I thought it would, and I am trying to no longer have any expectations. I need to figure out how to take care of myself better, because I am still crying every day and am tired a lot. One thing I decided is that Phil can do a lot of the housework since he is going to be at home anyway. And we are going to work on de-cluttering his closet, desk area, etc. - in fact, we finished his closet yesterday and that made me feel good. De-cluttering boosts me emotionally, so that is one way to take care of myself. I would like for it to ultimately culminate in cleaning out the garage, but I would need outside help in order to accomplish that.

My Story - September 2003

This is the story of the most difficult time of our lives. May the telling of it bring hope to others and help me to heal.

9/11/03 Thursday 8:30 am

I ended up having a nice birthday yesterday. Phil called me at work to wish me a happy birthday and tell me he loved me. Eva came over with a basket of bath soaps & oils, and then took me out to dinner. That was special. And my mom sent me $100!

Yesterday, I actually dropped Phil off at his doctor’s appointment and went to the hospital to visit a woman in our church who had a hysterectomy! That probably doesn't sound that great, but it was wonderful to leave him and not have to go to every doctor's appointment with him. Plus, I wanted to take every opportunity to visit this woman because I've had a hysterectomy so I know what she's going through, also I need healing and visiting people in the hospital is healing. I grew up around hospitals and have always enjoyed being around them until this ordeal with Phil, so I want to give God every opportunity to heal me emotionally so that I can enjoy them again. I know so many people who are afraid of them. The first time I visited her was really hard because of all the memories, but yesterday it was fine.

9/16/03 Tuesday 4:30 pm

Phil is still extremely dependent on me emotionally. It is very uncomfortable because he is very, very needy. He almost panicked at the thought of me going to a conference with a friend, even though he is now driving more. We had a big talk yesterday in which God convicted me that I had been pushing him as far as work was concerned. I apologized and we prayed together and it was good. It’s so hard to know when to push and when not to. He said that if I hadn’t confronted him about eating, he would still be sitting in his chair not eating or doing anything else. He still cries a lot and is really messed up emotionally, but I think it’s the medicine. He will be on the prednisone for another three weeks at least, so it will be a month until it is out of his system, and I don’t see how he can go back to work before then.

My Story - September 2003

This is the story of the most difficult time of our lives. May the telling of it bring hope to others and help me to heal.

9/10/03 Wednesday 7:30 am

This is one birthday that I have not been looking forward to, but if Jesse could be happy and content on his, I can too. I feel so very needy right now in my life. Phil’s problems overshadow everything and I am sick to death of it. I want so much for it to end.

This morning, I was crying out to God for it to end soon and I felt like He spoke to me. He gave me several verses.

Your beginnings will seem humble, so prosperous will your future be. Job 8:7

The yoke will be broken from your shoulders. Is. 10:27

The Lord hears the needy. Ps. 69:33

And then when I got to work, He gave me a verse that He has been giving me every year on my birthday for the past several years.

Even to your old age and gray hairs, I am He, I am He who will sustain you.

I have made you and I will carry you; I will sustain you and I will rescue you. Is. 46:4

All of these verses are very encouraging! I hope that the yoke that He is talking about is this whole ordeal and that it will be broken off of my shoulders soon.

My Story - September 2003

This is the story of the most difficult time of our lives. May the telling of it bring hope to others and help me to heal.

9/9/03 Tuesday 12:30 pm

I was back at the hospital today to visit a woman in our church who had surgery. It was hard going back but it was good for me, and it helped that she was on a different floor. I want to be there for people who have to be in the hospital and I don’t want to be afraid. Until Phil’s ordeal, I had rather enjoyed visiting people in the hospital since I grew up around doctors and hospitals.

Phil is still basically in his room and unable to function in the real world. Some days I am full of hope and other days it seems like it will never end. I am having a hard time with this part of his recovery. I want to yell at him to just snap out of it and go back to work. I am really struggling and I cry almost every day - much more than when he was in the hospital. And the support from people isn’t really there anymore now. God is still there, though.

God is still providing for our needs, and I believe that He is able to pay all of our debts. I am almost enjoying watching the different bills come in because I can’t wait to see what He does with them.

My Story - September 2003

This is the story of the most difficult time of our lives. May the telling of it bring hope to others and help me to heal.

9/6/03 Saturday 12:30 pm

Last night I went to worship God in the sanctuary and no one else was there. I felt overwhelmed with love for Him and was enjoying being in His presence and worshiping Him, when I started remembering how difficult the past two months had been. I wanted to push those thought aside and keep on enjoying being with the Lord, but I felt like He showed me that He was bringing up those memories because He wanted to heal them. I felt like He told me that he had wounded me and now He wants to heal the bruises that He inflicted upon me. So I cooperated, letting the painful memories come up and crying and crying as He ministered to me. When I opened my Bible, it fell open to Ps. 53 and there was verse 5, a verse which He had given to me over and over and over again throughout this whole ordeal.

There they were, overwhelmed with dread, where there was nothing to dread. Ps. 53:5

And I was overcome with sorrow as I remembered my unbelief. If only I had been able to believe what He was saying to me! I believed Him to some extent, but O that I could have believed Him more! But there is no condemnation. He knows that I am but dust, and part of what He has been teaching me through this process is that when He says something to me, I can believe Him with my whole heart because He is not a man that He should lie. His Word is trustworthy and true. So it’s OK and I forgive myself.

This morning, I felt like God wanted Phil and I to pray together, so we did. For a while it was mostly about praying for our children, and while that was very good, I knew there was something more, so I laid hands on Phil and then a powerful anointing came! I was so surprised and it was great!!! God brought scripture after scripture to my mind to pray for him, and what was so wonderful was that they were the very verses that He had given to me when Phil was in the hospital and so it was very healing for me. For those 21 days, I would sit in my chair and lay the Bible over my heart, no matter what else I was doing. It was almost like the Word of God was a physical shield over my heart, protecting it from harm, and all of that came back to me while I was praying for him.

God showed me that now is the time for a concentrated effort in prayer against these drug side-effects. He showed me that for every single side-effect and for every single point of suffering (ankles, joints, blurry eyes, etc.), there is a corresponding spiritual component. He is not only going to heal every single thing but also give Phil the spiritual component. For instance, I was praying for God to heal his blurry vision, and God told me to pray not only that he would have clear physical vision, but that He would open the eyes of his understanding and give him clear spiritual vision.

While I was praying for Phil, I felt like God also showed me that He has an appointed time for him to return to work and we just have to wait for it. He showed me that his old job is dead and God will be giving him a new job and it is a glorious thing. All the things he hated about his job are now gone and the good things will remain, so that this will be like a new job to him.

I was just amazed at the way God anointed me to pray for him. There is an anointing of power that will be coming on him. I called my friend to tell her that we need to concentrate on praying about the side-effects and she said that God had given her a verse for Phil (in Hebrews I think) - Everything that can be shaken will be shaken. God is shaking everything so that the chaff can fall away and only what is from Him will remain.

This morning, God again gave me a verse which He had tried to give me the other day but I didn’t understand what He was saying (and still don’t) so I didn’t write it down.

He split the rocks in the desert and gave them water as abundant as the seas;

He brought streams out of a rocky crag and made water flow down like rivers. Ps. 778:15-16

I continued with my “Breaking Free” Bible Study and she was asking us to write down the places of wilderness that God has led us through, so I wrote down that He led me into a place of “darkness and terror”. She asked us to read something from Ps. 45, but I “mistakenly” turned to Is. 45 instead and verse 3 jumped out at me.

I will give you the treasures of darkness, riches stored in secret places. Is. 45:3

I felt like God was telling me that He knows that I was in a dark and scary place, but that there will be treasures coming out of that darkness for me. And then to drive the point home, He gave me another verse.

I form the light and create darkness,

I bring prosperity and create disaster;

I, the Lord, do all these things. Is. 45:7

I felt like He was telling me that He knows how hard the darkness was and that He was in complete control the whole time and knew exactly what He was doing. That was healing. He is going to use every moment of my suffering for good. I know that Phil has suffered even more than I have through this ordeal, but God is dealing with my experiences now and He is healing me. This is about me and not about Phil. His stuff is between him and God.

I know that we have more difficulties to get through but my unbelief is low right now and so I feel full of faith that God will give us abundant grace to get through those things. I think that this week, after the colonoscopy, we will finally have the true diagnosis. Watching Dr. D. and Dr. K. deal with this case has helped me to see that Dr. H. did a very good job taking care of Phil. So many things were unknown and I regret that I was so angry with him. I still think that perhaps it isn’t a good idea to go to a doctor you are friends with because it makes everything more difficult, but I am convinced that he did a great job. God has completely healed my relationship with him.

God is using every single moment of my suffering for good and I can see some of it! And He has promised to give me treasures born out of this time of darkness. I feel so relieved that I can see the end of this thing.

My Story - August 2003

This is the story of the most difficult time of our lives. May the telling of it bring hope to others and help me to heal.

9/4/03 Thursday 9 am

This is the day we see the specialist in LR, and I am asking God to have mercy on us in every way. Phil seems to be doing somewhat better and yet he was crying again yesterday. When I asked him why, he said, “Sometimes I think I won’t ever get better.” I kept thinking about that phrase “sometimes I think”. That is what is wrong with us - sometimes we think, instead of simply trusting God.

During my “Breaking Free” Bible Study this morning, God again gave me Isaiah 61:3 and I felt like He said that instead of ashes, mourning, and despair, He will give me a crown of beauty, the oil of joy, and a garment of praise.

I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with loving-kindness.

I will build you up again and you will be rebuilt, O Virgin Israel.

Again you will take up your tambourines and go out to dance with the joyful. Jer. 31:3-4

5 pm

We had a very easy trip to LR and a friend met us in the waiting room. We got there an hour early and they took us back 45 minutes before our scheduled appointment! We were very surprised at what the doctor thinks that it actually is. Dr. K. thinks that Phil has atypical inflammatory bowel disease and that the Pyoderma and the Rheumatoid Arthritis symptoms are a “side-effect”. If this is true, I think that it is very good news. He said that you treat bowel disease with something other than a steroid. He said that prednisone can make you feel “crazy” and can definitely cause blurry vision, and that these side effects should decrease as the dosage is decreased. He is going to let Dr. D. make the decisions on the prednisone. He looked at Phil’s ankles and said that it definitely looks like Pyoderma. The only bad thing was that Dr. K. is absolutely insisting that Phil get a colonoscopy and the thought of another procedure is almost more than he can bear. While none of this is good to have, inflammatory bowel disease is far better than Arthritis, and I am very encouraged.

At first, things didn’t seem to be going very well, and since we were taken back before our friend even got there, I went out to talk to her while Phil was waiting for an Xray,. She sat in the waiting room the whole time praying for us. She is a true and precious friend. When I went back to Phil, I started seeing things differently and then when Dr. K. came in the second time, I asked a lot of questions and was actually encouraged. Prayer changes everything.

This morning during quiet time, I felt like God said, “I don’t want you to be afraid.” Of course, I felt a little fearful then, wondering what was going to happen. As Dr. K. was examining Phil, he was very interested in his spine because he hadn’t known about the birth defect in his vertebrae. At one point he wondered out loud if Phil had “Ankylosing Spondylitis”. Of course, I knew what that was because I had read all about it on the Internet! It is a very bad form of inflammatory arthritis affecting the spine. I had a brief struggle with fear and then made a decision that I was absolutely NOT going to live like that again. I refused to fear and then it was gone, and after the Xray, Dr. K. said that Phil’s spine was fine.

My Story - August 2003

This is the story of the most difficult time of our lives. May the telling of it bring hope to others and help me to heal.

9/2/03 Tuesday 7:30 pm

A woman in my Sunday School class, went to heaven last night. I think that’s a much better way of saying it. It was unexpected, even though she had ovarian cancer. She looked fine the last time I saw her, which was about 6 weeks ago.

Today I started working 20 hours a week at the store and it was hard because I know the store isn’t doing great financially and that he is doing this to be kind and also because he doesn’t want to lose me altogether

Phil is about the same, which isn’t saying much. I don’t know whether it’s the prednisone or the depression, but half the time it’s like he isn’t all there. I will talk to him and not be able to tell whether he even heard me because of the vacant stare on his face. Yesterday we worked out a schedule of daily activities for him and that seems to have helped today. He is very much like a little child, needing to be told what to do - even with the most basic things, such as eating and drinking water. It’s very upsetting and I cry almost every day now. In a lot of ways, this is harder than when he was in the hospital, although I don’t feel afraid, just discouraged.

The support system is quieter, mostly invisible, although I know it’s still there. People don’t call anymore or come over. After all, he is supposedly well now. On Thursday we will go to a specialist in Little Rock. I am trying to not expect too much from him.