Daily Life

The first 2 weeks with Josie were incredibly difficult and many times I wanted to put her on craigslist but felt like God kept telling me to keep her. We are over the hump now and Angie isn't growling at her quite so much, so I think it's going to work. Mostly, Phil is training her because he's home all the time. He actually found them sleeping in Josie's bed together the other day.

Having 2 dogs, we needed more piddle pads which was a problem because I couldn't find the ones we like and because the store-bought ones are very expensive and the wrong sizes. I ended up going to thrift stores and getting old mattress pads, baby flannel blankets, and vinyl-backed tablecloths and making my own. I cut out the different layers and simply serged them together. Now we have 15 new ones plus the old ones and, most importantly, the dogs are using the new ones. Yes!

We got the top part of the driveway re-graveled for the first time in probably 10 years and it's so nice not to go bump * bump * bump when parking in the carport. Hopefully next week the guy will come to pump out the septic tank. It's supposed to be done every 3 years or else you can have big trouble which we don't need, especially with Phil's dependence on the bathroom.

Phil seems to be adjusting to "disabled" life fairly well, although it's been a huge life change for both of us. He mostly sits or sleeps in his recliner day and night. As long as he stays home, he can manage his life fairly well. He tries to help around the house but didn't/couldn't clean the house for the past 2 weeks, so I did it the other day and it felt so good to have it cleaned the way I like it to be cleaned. Sometimes I feel like it isn't my house anymore.

I think I am finally beginning to wind down from tax season/full-time work. Normally, when I go to part-time in May, I relax and am happy but not this year. This year I was in emotional turmoil because I was facing the fact that Phil will never work again and will be home ALL THE TIME. I have always needed time alone, so this has been very difficult for me to deal with.

When I think of all the trauma that Jesse, our youngest who is now 20, has had to go through with Phil's health problems over the last 5 years or more, I feel bad but yesterday God used some of that experience for good in his life. Jesse was alone with someone who passed out unexpectedly and, although it was scary, he knew exactly what to do and what to expect because Phil passed out last year. God can use even really bad stuff for good.

In several weeks, toward the end of July, we will leave to go visit my mother in Ohio. Every year I feel overwhelmed at the thought of making this trip and every year we have a great time and I am so grateful for the opportunity to see her again. This year, Eva will be coming with me and we hope that Jesse will be able to come too. Eva has longed to see her grandmother but hasn't been able to come for the past several years due to childbearing. Kevin will stay home and take care of the kids. (I almost said *babysit* but since he is their father, he's not really babysitting, right?) I am so grateful that God has answered my prayers to let my mom live until Eva could see her again.

Life sure turned out to be a lot harder than I thought it would be. I don't know why but I expected it to move in an orderly fashion through the years until we were old and happy. I thought the bad stuff would only happen to other people. This past month, I have had to die again to dreams and expectations. Things just didn't turn out the way I wanted them to. It's been very depressing and painful. Every day, I lay my life on the altar and give it to God and in that way I find peace. I am trying to live each day in the present and with a thankful heart.

Josie Joy

We finally did it! We got a new puppy! I found her on craigslist and she looks exactly like Angie, our beloved 10-year old dog. It was a big step but after thinking about it for several months, I decided we might as well try it and see how it goes. The idea was to get another dog so that Angie can help "train" her. Angie is the best dog we've ever had and having another dog will hopefully lessen our pain when she dies. Her mother died when she was 10 years old.

Josie was in the northern part of the state so our daughter met her first, sent me video, and told me I would love her. She picked her up today and then our son came with me to get her.

She is so tiny! It's hard to believe that Angie was ever this little! Eva's puppy, Molly, and Josie played and ran all over the house. They had so much fun together. I was concerned about whether or not Angie would accept her because Angie is, after all, an old lady now. At first she was wary but after a few hours she warmed up to her. I think if we give her time, they will become good friends.

I'm not very good at picking out dog names and originally wanted to name her Happy or Joy, but in the end, I named her after my grandmother. When I looked up the definition of Josie or Josephine, I discovered that it meant "God shall add" or "God shall increase" so her name means "God shall add joy" and that is what I long for.

Carry Me

When I went after work to spend time alone with God, I cried but didn’t know why. When I prayed for my sons, it was dry … but I did it anyway. (I'm praying for them every day.) There was a song asking God to carry me. When I got home, our wonderful neighbor was clearing some more of our field and burning the debris, so I quickly changed clothes, hooked up my cart and began to trim the brush around the driveway. Until my wonderful neighbor saw me and told me he would do it later … with his truck and chainsaw. So I drove all over the yard and trimmed low-lying branches. Because it had rained this morning, the temperature was reasonable and it was actually quite beautiful outside, so I impulsively decided to mow the yard. It felt so good in so many ways! It was so peaceful on the mower. Whenever I get on that mower, I am face-to-face with God's love and care and provision for me. Two hours of physical labor and my depression was gone, I felt very productive, and ready to proceed with my day. God did indeed carry me.