My Story - August 2003

This is the story of the most difficult time of our lives. May the telling of it bring hope to others and help me to heal.

8/21/03 Thursday 12:30 pm

Having done everything that I know to do, I am standing in faith on the Word of God. Phil appears to be worse than he was, but I refuse to walk by sight. He is very depressed, weak, and tired. Those are the facts. But the Truth is that God’s will is going to prevail, and His will is to heal Phil completely. And so I will keep praying, reading the Word and letting faith rise up in me, and refusing fear. I will NOT live in fear anymore.

8/22/03 Friday 8 am

I had a tire blow out yesterday and I seem to have had a blow-out too. It was the last straw. I collapsed in surrender to God. I quit. I cannot do this anymore. I ended up in the sanctuary crying my eyes out for about an hour. The only thing that I heard God say was - A bruised reed I will not break. I am so tired. Tired of dealing with illness and the unknown and finances, but most of all tired of trying. And so I quit. I don’t care what happens from here on out. I don’t care what God does to us. I feel bruised and battered. I feel beat up. I am in a heap at His feet.

There are two things I know. One, I believe with all my heart that it is God’s will to heal Phil completely, even this blood problem. And two, I will not turn against God. That’s all I know. I don’t understand why He hasn’t healed him yet. I don’t understand why all of this is happening to us and it looks like it’s going to get worse today. I am glad that no matter how terrible my life might be from here on out, I will have eternity in heaven with God. I am hanging on to that.

Today we are going in for a blood test. Mike wanted to do it next week but Phil seems to be growing weaker by the hour and so we are going in today. And so then I figure that Mike will want to put him back in the hospital and give him some more blood and do a bunch more tests. So I have cleaned the house, done all the laundry, bought groceries, put the photos in the album, and tied up some other loose ends. I am as ready as I can be.

I just don’t care what else He does to us. I don’t. If we have to suffer, then so be it. If we use all our money and lose our house, then so be it. I can’t imagine that He would let that happen, but I just don’t care any more. I am tired of being anxious and fearful and I won’t do it anymore. Not because of any strength that I have to stop, but because I am too weak to care anymore.

Last night I called a few people to be praying for us today, and Anna had some scripture for us.

Yet it is I who taught Ephraim to walk, I took them in My arms;

But they did not know that I healed them.

I led them with cords of a man, with bonds of love,

And I became to them as one who lifts the yoke from their jaws;

And I bent down and fed them. Hosea 11:3-4

This morning God was talking to me about His deliverance and His power and might. He was talking about victory and His love. He gave me some verses.

Give your burdens to the Lord, and He will take care of you. Ps. 55:22

He shall deliver ... Job 22:31

Stand and see the deliverance of the Lord! 2 Chr. 20:17

My Story - August 2003

This is the story of the most difficult time of our lives. May the telling of it bring hope to others and help me to heal.

8/20/03 Wednesday 7 pm

Phil has been home a week tomorrow and is walking, eating, and completely off pain medication. He is still very weak and tired and has recently become depressed. My fear level is definitely lower and I am able to stand in faith for longer periods of time.

I have been looking for another job but Phil said I need to wait until he is back at work and driving. Dale is considering giving me more hours so I need to wait until I know what he decides, because I might only need to find another part-time job. I would rather work 2 part-time jobs than a new 40 hour job.

During quiet time, I felt like a key issue was about me providing for myself in this world. I know that God is my provider and He is the only one who can provide for me/us, and yet I was feeling this strong need to get a job immediately. And then God spoke to me through a verse and it was really powerful. Job 22:25 (KJV) says - The Almighty shall be thy defense, and thou shalt have plenty of silver. How awesome!

I had an interesting time with Travis this morning. I went to First Baptist to return a library book and hadn’t intended on seeing him at all, but as I passed his office I thought that maybe I should update him. I told him how Phil was doing and when I mentioned that the doctor thinks there is a blood problem, he got a funny look on his face and opened his Bible to 2 Peter 1:3. He said that he felt the Holy Spirit’s presence strongly and for the next 10-15 minutes, I sat there while God poured streams of living water through him into me, and my faith was built up.

Travis said that God has already given us all that we need for our lives and all we have to do is receive what He has already provided. He turned to Heb. 4:2-3 (Amp) about entering into God’s rest and said that His rest is His provision. So it is talking about entering into (receiving) the provision that God made for us for this very moment before the foundation of the earth - provision for healing and for finances. All we have to do is drink and we drink by faith.

Travis said that when you are saved, you believe that Jesus died for your sins. He already died and you receive it by faith. And this is the same thing. He has already provided for you and you receive it by faith. You don’t have to work up the faith - it’s already there.

We struggle and try to obtain, when all we need to do is just ask and receive. It’s already in our hand. The kingdom of God is within us and we just need to release the provision. We need to ask God to open the eyes of our understanding so that we will be able to see what is inside of us. His very resurrection power is inside of us and we need to release it to purge out death, to destroy death (sickness) in our bodies.

I sat there with tears in my eyes listening to Travis speak about God’s provision. Travis was talking about healing for Phil but I was also hearing God speaking to me about His provision for me (finances). God provided for this moment in our lives before the foundation of the earth. God knew this was going to happen and He has already provided for us. The provision is there. We just need to receive it. This is not about me getting another job, although part of that provision might be that He has provided another job for me. If so, I don’t need to worry and be anxious and strive - I just need to wait on Him and at the proper time, the time He has ordained, to receive it from His hand.

I feel like God showed me through the interaction with Travis that He wants to heal Phil completely - even his mysterious blood problem - and that He is going to provide every single thing that we need financially (including another job if I need one). He is telling me to rest and to believe. Stop striving, only believe.

My Story - August 2003

This is the story of the most difficult time of our lives. May the telling of it bring hope to others and help me to heal.

8/15/03 Friday 12 noon

Phil was released from the hospital last night and is doing well at home. We are both dealing with fear. Dr. H. was scary last night again, and it was hard to deal with, but as we were praying about it this morning, I felt like God showed me that his fear is coming out of love for us. He is operating out of fear because he cares about us, but his fear is triggering and feeding ours.

This morning I went to get Phil’s paycheck and it was $96. I picked up a job application at Millard-Henry, went to Tech and talked to Pat M., and went to the hospital. Both Tech and the hospital post job openings on-line, so you have to check daily. On Monday, I want to talk to my boss about this (I’m working part-time) and then go to the Employment Office.

I feel shaky today. Fear is such an irrational thing but it is overwhelming and all-encompassing. Really, there is nothing to be afraid of. Our lives are in God’s hands. If He chooses to take our lives, that would be OK because then we’d be in heaven. I’m not afraid of death anymore. If Phil becomes disabled, then eventually he would get disability and if I had a full-time job, we could live on that. There are many people in much more dire circumstances. God is dealing with fear in our lives and that’s why we feel afraid so often. Praying together in the morning helps and so does worshiping. This is indeed the dark night of the soul.

8/15/03 Friday 10:30 pm

Tonight Dr. H. called to check on us and he wasn’t scary at all. His voice was kind and caring, and his phone call ministered deeply to me and healed not only my relationship with him but also memories of that terrible weekend 3 weeks ago.

My Story - August 2003

This is the story of the most difficult time of our lives. May the telling of it bring hope to others and help me to heal.

8/12/03 Tuesday 7 pm

Phil was moved to Skilled Nursing today. He’s on the first floor and has a private room at the end of the hall. He is walking to the bathroom now and feeling better, although he was disoriented today because he had set up things the way he wanted them in the other room and established routines and now everything has changed. We are wondering if he might be able to go home this weekend or next. I think Dr. H. is being very careful this time and I am glad.

I’ve been feeling physically and emotionally shaky the past few days, and I’ve been struggling with fear regarding finances. Anna brought us dinner tonight and she prayed for me. She felt like God was showing her that this is a painful thing and it’s OK to be shaky and it’s normal to be dealing with fear. It’s unrealistic for me to expect to be walking completely in faith and peace.

As she prayed about the finances, she saw manna coming from heaven filling up the basket of provision. As I was praying about taking one day at a time, she said that God wants me to practice thanksgiving for His daily provision.

My Story - August 2003

This is the story of the most difficult time of our lives. May the telling of it bring hope to others and help me to heal.

8/10/03 Sunday 4 pm

Today is a better day. Phil is feeling better and church was awesome. God really met me there. During worship, I felt like He spoke to me and said that we – and particularly Phil – are on the right path. We are where He wants us to be.

I also felt like God spoke to me through the song “Everything Is In His Hands”. As the song began, Anna came to me in the back and said she wanted to pray for me as we worshiped. She stood in back of me and laid her hands on me. It was really wonderful. I have no idea what she prayed but I felt very encouraged because this is what I see for the church. I see the freedom during worship to move around the sanctuary, interceding. Beginning with the song after that one, I had a burden to intercede for the church. I love it when that happens because I feel like that is my specific calling – intercessory worship – and it’s been so long since the Lord has given me that burden.

After church, Mark came up to me and said that God had given him a word: “God is wounding the intercessors so they can intercede”. He felt like it was specifically for me and Connie. (Connie is going through a hardship in her life too.) That was exciting because, to me, the tambourine ministry is a ministry of intercession.

When Mark gave the word to the church during his sermon, he said that the reason God is wounding us is so that we will have a gift of grace to give to others. He said that “through your wounds, you are going to heal other people.”

During the last part of worship, I felt like God gave me words from a song for Phil – “Though my flesh it be destroyed, yet with my eyes I will see God.” Some of his flesh has literally been destroyed and also God is using this situation to help him to die to his flesh. I felt like God was saying that he will see God, both personally and in the sanctuary during worship.

The people were so kind to me, asking about us and offering different kinds of help. We feel so supported by this church. People have offered to mow our grass, to take care of things around the house, to bring meals, to pray, to visit Phil, to drive Jesse places, and to listen when I need to talk. People have given us money and have picked me up and taken me to worship in the sanctuary. The church gave me a check today to pay for our medical insurance for the rest of the month. We are now beginning the fourth week and they are still here for us just as much as in the beginning.

There is a verse that says And so we know and rely on the love God has for us (1 John 4:16). His love is being expressed to us through His people. This is the first time we have experienced this incredible love.

I got a copy of the sermon for Phil and he eagerly listened to it. I brought a CD player, the sermon tape, and some CDs. I’m thinking that he might be ready for worship music again and that God might talk to him.

My Story - August 2003

This is the story of the most difficult time of our lives. May the telling of it bring hope to others and help me to heal.

8/8/03 Friday 2 pm

God is healing Phil’s wounds. His feet look a lot better today and he is determined to start walking soon.

This weekend I will have to ask the church for help financially. God has been speaking to me about it for several days and I thought I was prepared but I feel like crying. When I think about finances, I feel shaky. He is healing physically, and while we will still have things to deal with there, I feel like maybe the worst is over in that area, and now comes a whole new thing to deal with. We throw ourselves on God’s mercy.

I am still having a hard time concerning Dr. H. He is ordering expensive tests that we think are unnecessary, like a CAT scan and an ultrasound. I think that 75% of my fear throughout this ordeal has been caused by things he has said. I love him as a friend and Christian brother but I am not happy with some of his decisions.

8/9/03 Saturday 3 pm

He feels worse today but it isn’t anything serious. If it isn’t one thing, it’s another. He has severe dependent edema from being in bed, which is making his diverticulosis act up, so he doesn’t feel like he can eat. Even though it isn’t serious, it’s discouraging. One thing leads to another thing which leads to another. And if we aren’t persistent in asking for what we need (such as a gas pill), we don’t receive it. I feel like I should stay here all day, but I am really tired and have a headache. Jon L. came to visit and it was good to see him. I’ve been working on my Breaking Free Bible Study a lot. I’m doing about a week’s worth of lessons every day.

You know, it’s all in what we choose to believe. I can believe that these complications are terrible and discouraging or I can believe that they are a minor irritant and will go away soon. I choose to pray and believe that Phil’s blood pressure will go back down, that his feet will continue to heal, that the diuretics will completely resolve his edema, and that his bloating will get markedly better. That’s what I choose to believe! I refuse to live in fear or anxiety or worry. I will walk by faith and not by sight. God loves us and He is with us. He has good plans for us and He will fulfill His purposes for us.

My Story - August 2003

This is the story of the most difficult time of our lives. May the telling of it bring hope to others and help me to heal.

8/5/03 Tuesday 2 pm

We received a diagnosis yesterday – pyoderma gangrenosum. Dr. H. asked a dermatologist to look at him and he has seen this many times, even though it is a rare disease. Dr. B. also knew what it was. It is treated with high levels of steroids. This usually accompanies an underlying condition such as rheumatoid arthritis or inflammatory bowel disease. Dr. H. told me that his rheumatoid factor was only weakly positive and that diagnosing inflammatory arthritis is difficult and takes time. We think his feet look better already.

When Phil called me last night with the diagnosis, I looked it up on the Internet and became upset, because I felt like we were dealing with a chronic condition. I laid on the bed and cried and cried. I felt like our lives were over. In a way, they are. Our lives have been changed forever, and there is some grieving over that loss.

Phil’s brother called in the middle of it all and I tearfully told him what was going on. (I called him back later when I was feeling better.) He said he would call their parents and then I called my mom. Last night I thought that he had definitely been diagnosed with RA, but this morning Mike said he hasn’t. My mom said that maybe this was the only flare-up he would ever have. We just don’t know. It’s all unknown and that’s what is so hard.

This morning I was dealing with a lot of fear again and didn’t go to work, so I was there when Dr. H. came to see Phil. It was very difficult for a while because we were not communicating at all, plus he was saying scary things again. It was like he was determined to give us the worst case scenario. I stopped trying to talk to him and just silently prayed, asking God to do something. Then he asked if he had hurt my feelings. It wasn’t that exactly, but then he listened as I explained how traumatic and scary this is and that the reason I want information is because understanding helps with the fear. Right before he left, he said he was sure he had hurt me and he apologized. After listening to him, I think that he is still uncertain about so much and his focus is on the immediate problem. And I told him that I focus on the future too much and God is dealing with that.

I went to see Travis and updated him, and he opened his Bible and read Rom. 8:28 – God causes all things to work together for good for those who love Him. That was the exact same verse that God gave me last night in devotions. Travis said that God causes all things to work for good. He doesn’t bring the evil, but He does turn it around and use it for good.

I asked him to pray for me about fear and he said he would, but that the deliverance will come in walking it out. It is so humiliating to be struggling with so much fear. Travis kept saying that you just cannot walk in fear because it’s the opposite of faith. He said to tell Satan, “I am NOT afraid of you. No matter what you do to me, God is greater and He will turn it around and use it for my good.” He quoted Rev. 12:11 – They overcame him by the blood of the Lamb, the word of their testimony, and by not loving their lives even unto death. As I was leaving, God showed me that I loved my life too much. He showed me that my life is His because Jesus purchased it. My life is not my own – it belongs to Him.

Travis said that when you go to a lower court, the judge gives you a ruling, but then you can appeal to a higher court. We have gotten a ruling from the doctor and now we appeal to God. The facts are that Phil has this illness, but the truth is that God has a purpose for him and will fulfill that purpose.

My Story - August 2003

This is the story of the most difficult time of our lives. May the telling of it bring hope to others and help me to heal.

8/4/03 Monday 2 pm

I took Jesse to band and came to the hospital. I am rearranging my schedule again for these 2 weeks until school starts so that I can be at the hospital in the afternoons while Jesse is at band. And after school starts, I suppose I’ll come and stay until 2 or 3 and then go home so that I can be there when Jesse gets home.

Devotions

We know that all things work together for good to them that love God. Rom. 8:28

Every event as yet has worked out the most divinely blessed results; and so, believing that God rules all, that He governs wisely, that He brings good out of evil, the believer’s heart is assured, and he is enabled calmly to meet each trial as it comes. The believer can in the spirit of true resignation pray, “Send me what thou wilt, my God, so long as it comes from Thee; never came there an ill portion from Thy table to any of Thy children.”

Shall your brethren go to war, and shall ye sit here. Num. 32:6

Shrinking from trial is the temptation of those who are at ease in Zion: they would fain escape the cross and yet wear the crown … If the most precious are tried in the fire, are we to escape the crucible? If the diamond must be vexed upon the wheel, are we to be made perfect without suffering? It is cowardly pride which would choose a downy pillow and a silken couch for a soldier of the cross. Wiser far is he who, being first resigned to the divine will, grows by the energy of grace to be pleased with it, and so learns to gather lilies at the cross foot, and, like Samson, to find honey in the lion.

My Story - August 2003

This is the story of the most difficult time of our lives. May the telling of it bring hope to others and help me to heal.

8/3/03 Sunday 6 pm

Yesterday my mother told me that when my sister was seriously ill as a child, a nurse told her to look for any small increment of improvement, no matter how tiny, and if she saw a small improvement every day, that meant that the healing process had begun. She said that the improvements would eventually grow larger and larger each day and then the full healing would come.

Today, we saw a rather large improvement. Twice, he has gone 7 hours between pain shots. This is significant. The other good news we received is that there was no blood in his stool this morning. That is excellent news.

Jesse and I went to church today and the people were so sweet, hugging me and telling me that they are praying. And Sue said that the deacons are just waiting to help us financially and that I should call when I need to. Counting our parents, we have gotten 3 offers to help us financially and we haven’t even needed it yet. Plus I received a letter from the IRS informing me that Bush has passed a law and we are going to receive a $400 check from the government! God is so good!

We had a big breakthrough today and it all began with a snake in the laundry room!

After church, we went grocery shopping and then came home and put everything away. I had just put bread in the toaster for a sandwich, when Angie started barking in the laundry room. Due to past experiences with mice, we always pay attention when she barks. I looked, expecting to see a mouse and there was a snake looking at me with his tongue flicking. I could tell it wasn’t a copperhead but I didn’t know whether it was a cottonmouth because I could only see its head. I immediately called our pastor because he lives the closest to us.

The wait seemed so long. I was afraid, but I told Jesse that we must not let it get into the rest of the house. I thought that it was symbolic of what we have been going through and I knew that if it got into the rest of the house, I would feel terrorized again. We changed into jeans and sturdier shoes as we took turns guarding it. It was behind the washer in the corner by the kitchen. We got brooms and sticks because it wasn’t afraid when we stomped our feet. Jesse was calm and cool throughout the whole thing.

I was afraid but then something came over me. Looking back, I believe that the Holy Spirit came on me with tremendous power and authority. I was in the kitchen with Jesse “guarding” the snake and I began to do spiritual warfare. I told Satan that we belong to Jesus and that he had no right to be in that house. A phrase that a friend had said to me came to mind and I told him that I was going to “cut his head off.” I was furious! I was furious and I had had enough! It was going to end!

The pastor came with gloves and a machete. And the snake was nowhere to be found! He moved the washer and looked under things and said that it wasn’t there. He said it was gone and was about to leave, and I pointed out that it might have crawled up under the washer, so he said to turn it on to the spin cycle. I began to pray that God would let us kill it, because I wanted evidence of its death. When we turned the washer on, the snake came out from hiding. I closed the door to the kitchen and stood in the kitchen with a stick because I didn’t want it to get into the rest of the house.

The pastor, his son, and Jesse were in the laundry room and once again I heard them say, “I don’t see it. Where did it go?” I was praying out loud, commanding it to manifest itself, telling it that we were going to cut its head off. And the next thing I knew, the pastor had it cornered. We didn’t know what to do next, and then he told us to all get out of the house, so we ran out but he didn’t follow. When I turned to look, I saw that the door had shut. There he was standing in the laundry room holding the snake by the tail and keeping its head away from himself with a broom! Behind a closed door! I opened the door and he brought the snake out.

I knew he was planning on letting it go and I knew that I needed to cut its head off. I kept saying (yelling), “We have to cut its head off! We have to cut its head off! This is symbolic!” He held it on the ground and I waited a minute, thinking that he or Jesse would do it but when they didn’t (the pastor couldn’t because his hands were full), I picked up the machete and began to strike it. As I chopped its head off, I was yelling things like, “Satan, you will NOT hurt this family anymore! We cut your head off! You leave us alone! We belong to Jesus!” It took a long time and a lot of work before its head was finally severed. After it was over, Jesse got his snake book and we determined that it was a black rat snake and not a cottonmouth. We measured it – with difficulty – and it was 4 feet long.

As I helped Jesse measure it, he was holding the tail and the body was still moving. He kept saying, “It’s so strong! It’s so strong!” He was amazed that a “dead” body could have so much apparent strength left in it – so much so that it looked alive. After we measured it, we were standing there looking at the writhing body and the lifeless, severed head. I told him to look and remember because this is what Satan does to us. We cut off his head but he wants us to think he is still alive and strong and can hurt us. I’ll never forget that picture.

To me, this whole incident was so symbolic. The pastor and three elders came to pray for Phil about an hour later, and Phil said that as the pastor told them about the snake incident, they were all sober and agreed with Phil that there is a spiritual component to this.

I think that it was interesting that it was my pastor who came. I have authority but I am also under authority. And I couldn’t have gotten it out of the house alone. There are times when we need help from those in authority over us.

Phil pointed out that it was a black snake, which had no bite to it and could not have hurt us. Satan scares us into thinking that he can harm us but if we belong to Jesus, he has no real power over us.

Jean said that I need to persist in telling Satan that his head has been cut off. Another friend said that at this point in time, Phil is healed. She said that we will have to wait for the manifestation of it but there is no life left in this thing. She said she saw me stomping around the house praying out loud. I told her that when I saw the pictures in the snake book, I wondered, “Why didn’t I know what this was?” And she said that when the doctor finally diagnoses this, he too will wonder, “Why didn’t I know what this was?”

What a day this has been! It’s obviously not going to be smooth-sailing from here on out, but I believe that something significant has happened. And God will give me grace to get through each day.

I have stilled and quieted my soul like a weaned child. Ps. 131:2

My Story - August 2003

This is the story of the most difficult time of our lives. May the telling of it bring hope to others and help me to heal.

8/2/03 Saturday 12:30 pm

Everything is the same with Phil. I felt OK at home but have been feeling shaky here at the hospital. I’ve been thinking about finances. His feet are a tiny little bit better and I’m really glad for that. However, I wonder how many weeks or months he’ll be here and then how many months he’ll be home before he can work. I’m really glad he’s alive but I’m wondering how we are going to live. I wish I could just give it all over to God and not think about it.

I guess I’m feeling discouraged and sad today. I managed to wrap Jesse’s birthday presents this morning. His birthday is Tuesday and it just seems so sad to me. It’s all so sad and scary. We could owe thousands of dollars by the time this is over. We might spend the rest of our lives paying off debt. I feel like crying.

This is what the Lord says to you: Do not be afraid or discouraged because of this vast army. For the battle is not yours, but God’s. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. Go out to face them tomorrow, and the Lord will be with you. 2 Chr. 20:15, 17b

5:30 pm

I’ve been here 7 hours and it’s been a long, boring day. He slept a lot and tells people that he’s better, but he doesn’t seem better to me. Dale came and thought the swelling was down. It’s hard for me to tell. Dr. T. came and was talking like it might be months before he can walk again. It was very discouraging and scary to me. I wish I could just stand on scriptures and prophecies that God has given me and have peace. I haven’t even seen Jesse today. I’m glad he likes to be alone. I guess we’ll go to church tomorrow. It’s a little overwhelming to think about that.

My Story - August 2003

This is the story of the most difficult time of our lives. May the telling of it bring hope to others and help me to heal.

8/1/03 Friday 12 noon

I remembered that we took two loads of stuff to the dump on Saturday, March 15 and Phil’s knee started hurting on Tuesday, March 18. I also remember a bad scratch on his arm. I told Dr. H.’s nurse. Who knows? Maybe it’s significant. They are looking for strange diseases now. It seems like he has three things going on – anemia, joint swelling, and infection – which may or may not be related. The physical therapy guy said his feet definitely looked better today. There is new tissue growing, which is really important. William said that we might never get a diagnosis because the antibiotics will mask things. I’m glad I remembered about the dump. They’re about to take him for an endoscopy to try to find out about the internal bleeding.

The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything. Phil. 4:5-6

7 pm

I took a nap this afternoon and woke up in a bad anxiety attack. It happens before I am fully conscious. I was so scared to go the hospital but once I got here, I found him doing well. He is in good spirits and the endoscopy went well and showed gastroenteritis, which isn’t a terrible thing. He is awake and watching TV and I think his feet look better. The oozing places definitely look better, but that might just be due to the whirlpool treatments getting the bad stuff off. It looks like it’s going to be a non-eventful weekend. I would like that for a change. The last two weekends have been sheer terror as he would grow progressively worse and then end up in the hospital on Monday.

A couple of hours ago, the helicopter came to take a baby to Little Rock. It was here for 45 minutes before it finally took off. That poor mother! Compared to her, our problems are not that bad. I’m so grateful that our children are OK.

My Story - July 2003

This is the story of the most difficult time of our lives. May the telling of it bring hope to others and help me to heal.

7/31/03 Thursday 4 pm

Jesse and I are visiting Phil. When I’m here I want to go home, and when I’m home I get so scared. There is no good place to be. I finally remembered to call Ken and he prayed for us over the phone. God gave him a verse for me – Be anxious for nothing, but by prayer and supplication make your requests to God with thanksgiving. He said when I feel anxious about something, I need to give it to God. Earlier, I felt like God gave me all of Ps. 18, especially these verses:

I love You, O Lord, my strength.

The Lord is my rock, my fortress, and my deliverer; My God is my rock, in whom I take refuge …

The cords of death entangled me; the torrents of destruction overwhelmed me …

In my distress I called to the Lord; I cried to my God for help.

From His temple He heard my voice; my cry came before Him into His ears.

The earth trembled and quaked, and the foundations of the mountains shook;

They trembled because He was angry … He parted the heavens and came down …

He shot His arrows and scattered the enemies …

He reached down from on high and took hold of me; He drew me out of deep waters.

He rescued me from my powerful enemy, from my foes, who were too strong for me.

They confronted me in the day of my disaster, but the Lord was my support.

He brought me out into a spacious place; He rescued me because He delighted in me …

He makes my feet like the feet of a deer …

You broaden the path beneath me, so that my ankles do not turn …

I pursued my enemies and overtook them …

I crushed them so that they could not rise; they fell beneath my feet.

A bruised reed He will not break, and a smoldering wick He will not snuff out. Is. 42:3

Carol called and let me talk for an hour and then I felt a lot better.

Devotion

Let me now go to the field, and glean ears of corn. Ruth 2:2

Downcast and troubled Christian, come and glean today in the broad field of promise. Here are abundance of precious promises, which exactly meet thy wants. Take this one: “He will not break the bruised reed, nor quench the smoking flax.” A reed, helpless, insignificant, and weak, a bruised reed, out of which no music can come; weaker than weakness itself; a reed, and that reed bruised, yet, He will not break thee; but on the contrary, will restore and strengthen thee. He will blow with His sweet breath of mercy … “Fear not … I will help thee … Be not afraid, only believe!”

My Story - July 2003

This is the story of the most difficult time of our lives. May the telling of it bring hope to others and help me to heal.

7/30/03 Wednesday 9:30 am

I got to the hospital around 9 and they were taking him to PT so they could put his feet in the whirlpool in preparation for a biopsy. They want to do a biopsy of the infected tissue so that maybe they can find out what this is.

Today I feel scared. The fear sets in before I am even fully awake in the morning. I have to talk rationally to myself in order to even get out of bed. I tell myself that he isn’t going to die and that his life is in God’s hands. I tell myself that God is in control and He loves us. Sometimes I feel a lot better and other times it doesn’t seem to help that much.

The Lord has heard my weeping.

The Lord has heard my cry for mercy; the Lord accepts my prayer.

All my enemies will be ashamed and dismayed; they will turn back in sudden disgrace. Ps. 6:8-10

My eyes are ever on the Lord, for only He will release my feet from the snare. Ps. 25:15

We wait in hope for the Lord. Ps. 33:20

I waited patiently for the Lord; He turned to me and heard my cry.

He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire;

He set my feet on a Rock and gave me a firm place to stand.

He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God.

Many will see and fear and put their trust in the Lord. Ps. 40:1-3

The Lord will protect him and preserve his life;

He will bless him in the land and not surrender him to the desire of his foes.

The Lord will sustain him on his sickbed and restore him from his bed of illness. Ps. 41:2-3

They spread a net for my feet –

I was bowed down in distress.

They dug a pit in my path –

But they have fallen into it themselves. Ps. 57:6

God’s Word lifts me up and chases the fear away. I know that I hear from God and I am sure that He has given me promises about our lives. And I am certain that He has given me certain passages about this illness. God cannot lie. If He makes a promise, He will keep it. He will do what He says. I wish I could share the scriptures with Phil but I don’t think he’s in a place where he could receive them.

It’s so nice to let other people take care of him. When they brought him back from PT, I didn’t help get him into bed and that was so nice. They have his feet wrapped in sterile material. I had no idea how to take care of his feet.

I brought paperwork to his office and his boss was really nice to me. He even gave me his home number.

5 pm

I always feel so scared when it’s time to go back to the hospital. I was getting ready to go, telling the Lord how scared I was, and I felt like He said, “Fear not. Only believe and he shall be made whole.” (Luke 8:50)

They did the procedure in his bed around 1 pm and sent the infected matter to both the lab here and one in Little Rock. The areas look so much better with that purple mess gone. He is on oxygen and resting comfortably because they gave him Demerol and something else. Maybe we will know something soon.

The church has been wonderful. Some have sent cards, which I save until he needs cheering up. The pastor seems to know when to come and when to stay away. Dale has been the best. He is one of the only people that Phil wants around now. Susie brought over chicken noodle soup that was exactly what I needed to eat. People aren’t calling and visiting all the time and yet, if I have a need, I know who to call (and I have).

So far this week has been more full of faith. Last week was horrendous and full of fear. There is still fear this week but less of it. Sometimes Satan injects fear by saying things to me. Last week it was “scleroderma” and this morning it was “amputation”. I have to refuse those thoughts. God has been giving me verses about feet lately.

They spread a net for my feet – (Ps. 57:6)

He will release my feet from the snare. (Ps. 25:15)

He set my feet upon a Rock. (Ps. 40:2)

God knows about his feet and He cares about them and will heal them.

My Story - July 2003

This is the story of the most difficult time of our lives. May the telling of it bring hope to others and help me to heal.

7/29/03 Tuesday 2 pm

Phil is back in the hospital. His feet looked worse and worse and yet we were supposed to wait until Friday morning to see the specialist. I called a friend and she and her husband prayed all day yesterday. I cried out to God over and over again. I called a specialist in Little Rock to try to get him in, because I felt like it was an emergency. Then I received a call from Dr. H.’s nurse and it seemed like her reason for calling was to calm me down and try to reassure me. Then Dr. H. got on the phone, and although he was very kind, he told me that this was not a rheumatological emergency because there was no such thing. I kept asking him how I would know if it was infected. When I told him that Phil was depressed (who wouldn’t have been), he started asking about pain medication. I begged him to talk to Phil and when he finally agreed, I had to insist that Phil talk to him because he didn’t want to. As they talked, the doctor asked if Phil wanted him to come by to look at his feet. Phil was about to say no, but I insisted that he let him.

About an hour before Dr. H. arrived, Phil had to get up to go to the bathroom. I hope that God will heal me of that memory because I cry every time I think of it. I don’t know anyone else that strong, both physically and emotionally. He shuffled along, using all his strength to hold onto the walker, on his poor diseased, inflamed, infected feet, and I knew this could not continue. I immediately had a wheelchair delivered (which I had to return for the second time!) and had planned to get a bedpan this morning. The only thing that saved my sanity was the knowledge that the doctor was coming.

He came with his granddaughter and while she and Jesse played with the dog, he looked at Phil’s feet. They definitely looked infected and he wanted to readmit him to the hospital. When I asked if he could help me get him into the car, he told me to call an ambulance. The EMTs were so great - calm, quiet, caring, and in control. Again, I felt a great flood of relief because it wasn’t all up to me anymore. Jesse got to ride in the front seat of the ambulance and loved it. The ER was difficult because Phil was initially in a lot of pain, plus he was exhausted and scared. And we had to wait for several hours. But Dr. H. was able to consult with two other doctors there and that was good, plus they put Phil on morphine and that helped the pain tremendously.

Jesse said that from a movie he saw he learned that if you put a frog in boiling water, he knows it, but if you put a frog in cold water and slowly turn up the heat, he doesn’t realize what’s happening. He said that we were like the second frog, but these new doctors were like the first one. That ministered to me because, of course, I was wondering if I had handled the situation correctly.

Phil is now on morphine and an antibiotic and a more powerful non-steroidal anti-inflammatory. He is in a private, quiet room with a “tent” over his feet. The nurses are taking care of his every need. He is still depressed and scared, like anyone would be.

I had a lot to do this morning (such as cleaning and disinfecting the house and returning the wheelchair) but we went to see him for a few minutes. He made me promise that I wouldn’t stay at the hospital because I am exhausted. We don’t know how long this will go on and if I don’t have some sense of normalcy, I will be of no use to him.

Dr. H. is thinking that this might be a fungal infection. It isn’t systemic because he doesn’t have a fever, and it looks like the infection is in the soft tissues and not the ankle joints. He is running all kinds of tests and is consulting with an infectious disease specialist, a rheumatologist, a dermatologist, an internist and an orthopedist. He is doing bone and vascular studies and a biopsy. I believe that God will reveal to him what it is. Last night before he left, he apologized to me.

Yesterday morning I saw Travis and He prayed for all of us, especially the doctor. He prayed things that I needed but hadn’t told him about and I felt like the Lord was showing me that He sees me and is aware of my needs.

Afterwards Travis told me a story because he felt like God wanted him to. Several weeks ago, he was driving down a road and as he passed a Chinese restaurant called Tran’s, God told him, “You’re going to eat lunch there Sunday.” He wondered why but then completely forgot about it. On Sunday after church, he was about to ask his wife where she wanted to eat, when she said, “Let’s eat at Tran’s.” He remembered what God had said and was excited, wondering how He wanted to use him. He kept looking around and asking God who He wanted him to talk to. Finally, near the end of the lunch, he asked God, “Why did You tell me that I was going to eat lunch here today?” God said, “I wanted you to know that I am in control of your life.” Since then, whenever he finds himself worrying about a problem, he reminds himself that God is in control of every little facet of his life. And even though Phil and I have surely felt like things were “out of control,” they aren’t because God holds our lives in His hand and He is in control.

5 pm

I made myself come back to the hospital. There is always fear involved but I found him in pretty good spirits. I need to establish some sort of routine for myself.

Today I was reading Psalm 91 and certain verses spoke to me in a different way. Verse 10 says – No disaster will come near your tent. This time, I understood “tent” to mean Phil’s body. Of course, I wonder if he might lose his feet, but then that would be a disaster and God has said that no disaster will come near his tent. Verse 13 says – You will tread upon the lion and the cobra; you will trample the great lion and the serpent. And I could just see him crushing Satan under his FEET! I like verse 14 – I will rescue him; I will protect him. God is in control of his life and of his body. Praise God!

Today I feel like God is telling me to worship Him and He will “heal their land.” I want to try to have quiet time tomorrow.

You restored me to health and let me live …

In Your love You kept me from the pit of destruction.

The Lord will save me, and we will sing with stringed instruments

All the days of our lives in the temple of the Lord. Is. 38:16, 17, 20

They spread a net for my feet –

I was bowed down in distress.

They dug a pit in my path –

But they have fallen into it themselves.

My heart is steadfast, O God,

My heart is steadfast;

I will sing and make music. Ps. 57:6-7

My Story - July 2003

This is the story of the most difficult time of our lives. May the telling of it bring hope to others and help me to heal.

7/27/03 Sunday 12 noon

He seemed worse today so I called a friend who said that her church would pray for him and then she prayed for us. The purple spot on his ankle was oozing yellow fluid, so I called Dr. H. and he told me it is lymphatic fluid from soft tissues, not from the joint. He said to keep his legs up and feed him protein.

He could hardly walk to the bathroom, so we set him in the spare bedroom. We moved the other TV, the recliner, end table, etc. I couldn’t have done it without his brother. He is propped up on the bed in there, so his feet are higher than they were. I’m going to have a wheelchair delivered tomorrow so it will be easier to get him to the car.

His pain is better and so are his spirits because he’s glad to be in the bedroom. I got him to drink 16 oz. of Carnation Instant Breakfast and eat half a hamburger, which is really good.

I am a full-time nurse and patient advocate. I have to learn as I go. Dr. H. said that the most the specialist will do is to hopefully get the inflammation down, but we won’t know a diagnosis for weeks. I don’t understand why.

Phil’s brother just left. He kept apologizing for having to leave. I didn’t cry.

I keep getting headaches, probably from tension. When his pain is down, we both try to eat. I like having him in the bedroom because I can sit in the living room without staring at his ankles.

He is angry with God and I can understand that. I keep crying out to Him. I am sure that the reason things are better right now is because at least 2 churches prayed for him this morning.

I didn’t even know life could be this hard. I’ve had it so easy. It’s funny but I have a peace about death.

4:30 pm

We’ve had a breakthrough of sorts. Moving to the bedroom has changed everything because now he has to keep his legs up on the bed, and that has helped the pain tremendously. He was able to sleep this afternoon and he has taken 48 oz. of instant breakfast. At one point when I asked him about the pain, he said it only ached a little. That’s a miracle! Angie stays with him in the bedroom, curled up in his recliner.

Carol came and brought food, and Mark came and prayed. Since he’s only eating instant breakfast, I might ask for meals every other day. It would save money plus I wouldn’t have to shop. Maybe we can make it until we see the specialist.

8 pm

I cannot save his life. I am not in control of this. I cannot make the inflammation go away. I cannot get him in to see a specialist. I can only take care of him the best way I know how. We are either in God’s hands or we are not, and I believe we are. God is in control, no matter what it looks like. God is in control. I am not. I refuse to try to take responsibility for things that are beyond my control. Our lives are in God’s hands and, even if He doesn’t rescue us, He is still our God.

My Story - July 2003

This is the story of the most difficult time of our lives. May the telling of it bring hope to others and help me to heal.

7/26/03 Saturday

Phil has been home for a day. His pain got worse and he hasn’t been eating very much. All he’s had is 2 pancakes, 2 cookies, and 1 small burrito. He loathes food. I called Dr. H. to get a prescription for something and when I told him about the pain, he asked about the Celebrex and we discovered that he is supposed to take 2 instead of 1 each day, so we corrected that. His legs are swollen and the doctor thinks he’s retaining fluid because he isn’t eating enough. That doesn’t make sense to me. And the red swollen areas on his ankles have developed purple raised areas in the middle.

There is so much I don’t understand. My mom has actually helped tremendously but she didn’t know anything about these raised areas. I’ve read a lot on the Internet but can’t find photos to compare this to. On the one hand I feel really responsible - if I hadn’t called Dr. H., we wouldn’t have known about the Celebrex mistake and he would have been in a lot more pain. But on the other hand, I feel like I have to let him go because God’s in control. There isn’t an infection because they tested for that. I just want him to see a specialist. There are sixteen of them in Little Rock but our insurance will only pay for one of those.

I feel like I’m never going to be able to relax again, like I will never be happy again. I’m trying to take care of him and myself and Jesse and the house and the finances. We received a bill from the hospital today for $217.55. And so it begins. I feel like everything is being drained out of me. His ankles look so horrible and I keep asking God to protect them from permanent damage. His brother is leaving tomorrow and I can’t even think about that. Why can’t I just trust God and have peace? Every morning I wake up with an anxiety attack and have to talk to myself in order to be able to get out of bed.

A man may be chastened on a bed of pain with constant distress in his bones,

So that his very being finds food repulsive and his soul loathes the choicest meal.

His flesh wastes away to nothing, and his bones, once hidden, now stick out.

His soul draws near to the pit, and his life to the messengers of death.

Yet if there is an angel on his side as a mediator, one out of a thousand ...

Then his flesh is renewed like a child’s; it is restored as in the days of his youth ...

He is restored by God ... Job 33:19-23a; 25-26

My body will rest secure, because You will not abandon me to the grave. Ps. 16:9b-10a

When I am afraid, I will trust in You;

In God, whose Word I praise,

In God I trust; I will not be afraid. Ps. 56:3-4

I had just cried out to the Lord and told Him that I feel like Phil is going to die, and He gave me these verses.

My Story - July 2003

This is the story of the most difficult time of our lives. May the telling of it bring hope to others and help me to heal.

7/25/03 Friday 11:30 am

Today is hard. I have a headache and feel depressed. He is supposed to go home after lunch but the pain is worse. I think Dr. H. will probably send him home anyway. I feel shaky. Phil’s brother is back and I’m glad because I should have help until Sunday. It’s not Lyme’s Disease so it looks like an inflammatory arthritis. It feels like it’s never going to end.

My mom sent an encouraging email in which she said that when my Dad had a flare-up of Rheumatoid Arthritis, it always felts like it was never going to end, but it always got better. She said the doctor used to aspirate the fluid and then shoot cortisone into the joint. I wish there was a rheumatologist here. It looks like it’s going to be rough until we can see one.

Dr. H. took him off steroids and changed the Celebrex to Arthritec and that’s probably why the pain is worse. It’s depressing. I was able to go to work today. I feel like we’re caught in a nightmare that’s never going to end.

7:30 pm

Dr. H. changed him back to Celebrex so the pain is better, and he let us go home. I was scared but he’s doing great. He actually took a shower by himself! His brother brought about 20 videos and they are watching one of them. Things are as back to normal as they are going to get.

Last Thursday in the sanctuary, I felt like the Lord gave me a scripture - Walk by faith and not by sight. I have thought a lot about that because this week it has been one or the other. I look at his ankles and walk by sight; then I read the scriptures that God has given and walk by faith. Back and forth. Up and down.

The pastor came over and we started talking about worship and it was awesome. Phil and I are totally united in our vision. We were pumped up by the whole conversation and prayed together after he left.

My Story - July 2003

This is the story of the most difficult time of our lives. May the telling of it bring hope to others and help me to heal.

7/24/03 Thursday 12 noon

On the way to the hospital this morning, I asked God for one bit of good news and He gave it to me. One of the tests ruled out scleraderma! I felt as if a huge weight lifted off of me.

The pain is worse this morning and his left ankle is now swelling, so they are keeping him in another day. He was really disappointed, but Dr. H. thinks it’s because he stopped the Celebrex. He didn’t want to give him both steroids and Celebrex because it’s hard on his stomach, but he restarted it.

The fear is at a lower level and I was able to eat and sleep last night. We might not get a diagnosis for up to three months because Dr. H. said it might take that long to get in to see a Rheumatologist. He was hoping to consult with one over the phone today.

Phil’s brother is going back today but will come back tomorrow, so I will need to stay with him more. Last night after he left we were talking about jobs and money and I finally understood why he has always been against my working full-time. It had to do with him being able to support his family. I think he faced reality last night. I think that I am definitely going to get a full-time job and I know that God can give me a good one.

It’s so hard for me to stay in the present. I find myself in an imaginary future all the time. At least the fear is better. I feel like we can deal with anything as long as it’s not scleraderma.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. Prov. 3:5

The Lord has heard my weeping,

The Lord has heard my cry for mercy;

The Lord accepts my prayer.

All my enemies will be ashamed and dismayed;

They will turn back in sudden disgrace. Ps. 6:8-10

2 pm

I’ve been sitting here while Phil sleeps, reading all the verses in the Bible that God has given me concerning worship and Phil’s illness, and it just does not make sense at all that this is happening. What I see with my eyes does not correspond with the words that God has said. When I read these verses, I feel peace and faith that this is not as serious as it looks and will soon pass. It is hard to keep your faith in this environment.

There is an old woman who calls out loudly for help every five minutes, no matter how often the nurses go in there. I forgot to mention that, along with it not being scleraderma, Dr. H. also said that it does not involve the muscles. It is not a muscular degenerative disease.

They will fight against you but will not overcome you, for I am with you and will rescue you.

Jer. 1:19

They were at their wits’ end.

Then they cried out to the Lord in their trouble,

And He brought them out of their distress.

He stilled the storm to a whisper;

The waves of the sea were hushed.

They were glad when it grew calm,

And He guided them to their desired haven. Ps. 107:27-30

They cried to the Lord in their trouble,

And He saved them from their distress.

He sent forth His Word and healed them. Ps. 107:19-20

Give us aid against the enemy,

For the help of man is worthless. Ps. 108:12

9 pm

We finally received some good news! Actually, more good news - and it was an answer to prayer because this afternoon I asked God to please give us some more good news. Dr. H. was able to consult with the rheumatologist over the phone and he thinks it is an inflammatory arthritis, although both of them agree that a test for Lyme’s Disease should be done even though Phil doesn’t remember being bitten by a tick. And the specialist has agreed to see him next week. These things might not sound very good, but considering what the alternatives are, we feel like we can deal with them.

H.S. came by today and it was such a blessing. It was like a ministering angel was there. He was calm and quiet and the things he said were honest and uplifting. Many people have prayed for us and I appreciate each and every one, but somehow his simple prayer touched my heart more than anything.