8/15/03 Friday 12 noon
Phil was released from the hospital last night and is doing well at home. We are both dealing with fear. Dr. H. was scary last night again, and it was hard to deal with, but as we were praying about it this morning, I felt like God showed me that his fear is coming out of love for us. He is operating out of fear because he cares about us, but his fear is triggering and feeding ours.
This morning I went to get Phil’s paycheck and it was $96. I picked up a job application at Millard-Henry, went to Tech and talked to Pat M., and went to the hospital. Both Tech and the hospital post job openings on-line, so you have to check daily. On Monday, I want to talk to my boss about this (I’m working part-time) and then go to the Employment Office.
I feel shaky today. Fear is such an irrational thing but it is overwhelming and all-encompassing. Really, there is nothing to be afraid of. Our lives are in God’s hands. If He chooses to take our lives, that would be OK because then we’d be in heaven. I’m not afraid of death anymore. If Phil becomes disabled, then eventually he would get disability and if I had a full-time job, we could live on that. There are many people in much more dire circumstances. God is dealing with fear in our lives and that’s why we feel afraid so often. Praying together in the morning helps and so does worshiping. This is indeed the dark night of the soul.
8/15/03 Friday 10:30 pm
Tonight Dr. H. called to check on us and he wasn’t scary at all. His voice was kind and caring, and his phone call ministered deeply to me and healed not only my relationship with him but also memories of that terrible weekend 3 weeks ago.
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