Scarves

I have been in the mood to crochet! I found a scarf pattern where you crochet the length instead of the width, so I decided to see how much old yarn I could use up making striped scarves. It's been a lot of fun. I still have 2 more to go but need to take a break so my neck and shoulder can rest.

This was my first one - I just love these colors!

I think I might add some fluffy white trim to the sides of this one.

It's hard to tell but this one is made up of different shades of blue.

This one is narrower but I like how it turned out.

This is my favorite because it's so incredibly soft! I trimmed the edges with black eyelash yarn.

Anger

I haven't written in a while because I've been dealing with a lot of anger. Phil was unexpectedly released one week ago this morning and we found out a few days later that it was just gastritis. His stomach and esophagus were inflamed because he hadn't eaten much in a month. It was nothing that required a hospital but simply the decision to eat and drink no matter what. He is finally doing just that and is a whole lot better.

Last night I went to a worship service in a friend's home where they were webstreaming the service at IHOP in Kansas City. God has been moving at IHOP in wonderful ways since November. During the service, I felt like the Lord very clearly said to me, "You are powerless." This is the truth that I so often lose sight of. God is in control and I am not, so I might as well stop *trying* and rest.

And it doesn't matter that we made a mistake and kept running to hospitals when we didn't need to because God forgives us and He can cover it. He is my strength and my refuge. He is also my Provider. He provided the $1000 to pay the Cobra payment for next month and I am so grateful! That is always a difficult thing to face every month.

Hospital again

I am so puzzled. It seems like Phil does better when he's in the hospital than when he's at home. Last night, after 7 1/2 hours in the ER, he was admitted to Baptist. This is the third time in a month and it's getting really old. He says he has been so nauseated that he hasn't been able to eat since coming home and he ended up getting dehydrated, which is why they admitted him. They are going to scope his stomach tomorrow and I don't know whether to hope that they find something or that they don't.

I am exhausted. I hope that one day soon, things will change because I don't know how much longer I can do this. Tax season has started and I am working full-time, taking care of him, taking care of the house, groceries, meals, etc. I am weary in every sense of the word.

We "shared" a huge trauma room with a curtain down the middle with a woman who was obviously rich and well-known in the state government. The doctors were practically bowing at her feet and she got anything she wanted. She even told them which floor to admit her to. But ... her CT scan showed that the cancer they thought they had removed during gallbladder surgery 3 months ago had probably spread. In the end, money and connections don't mean a thing. I felt so sorry for her.

A Vision

Last Sunday during worship, I had a "vision" where our finances were on the left side and Phil was on the right side. Both the finances and Phil were very high up, like high in the sky, and I was on the ground looking up at them. As I looked, I began to understand that there was nothing I could do about either one, that God was the only One who could change or fix or affect either one.

Both of these areas of my life are BEYOND me. They are so far beyond me that I can’t even touch either one. I might try to touch them but I can’t, not really. Only God can. He began to whisper to me, "Let Me take it. Let Me take it." Over and over again. So I gave both of these things to Him.

I began to have a sense of God hovering above them, a sense of Him moving in these areas. He is high and lifted up and He is greater than my troubles. He, and only He, can do anything about either one of these things. So it’s best if I let Him take over and stop trying to “fix” or “figure out” these things. He already has it all figured out. All I can do is watch from below. That's all He wants me to do, to watch Him move. His ways are higher than ours.

Update

Well, it turned out not to be pancreatitis and that is good. It was a bad gallbladder attack for which he needed to be hospitalized and treated because things like that are a lot harder on his body than on other people. His breathing has improved and he is off of oxygen. They found a nodule in his prostate that will eventually require a biopsy.

The plan is to wait 2 months and then see a surgeon about removing his gallbladder and doing the biopsy at the same time. Because of multiple abdominal surgeries, he will probably have to have an open surgery which will require about a week in the hospital and 2 more months to recover. I am not even going to think about him going back to work until July. Bummer.

I find that sometimes I have hope that this will all eventually end and sometimes I think this is going to be the way our lives are from now on. Today is sort of a discouraging day. It started out filled with anxiety because he told me last night that he was coming home today (and we are expecting snow too). I felt completely overwhelmed but managed to give it all to the Lord and concentrate on doing my job. Later on I found out that the doctor wanted to keep him a few more days, for which I am exceedingly grateful. I also found out that the snow isn't supposed to start until this evening so it shouldn't cause a problem.

The good things are: this is his second day off of oxygen, he does have a bit of an appetite (although eating and drinking are hard due to pain caused by thrush caused by antibiotics), and they are walking him twice a day. God is faithful and He will get us through this. He still has a plan for our lives, even if I can't see it. And He knows how hard this is for me and that counts for something in His eyes. I would never make it without Him.

Pancreatitis

We welcomed the new year in in the ER and Phil has now been diagnosed with pancreatitis caused by gallstones. It appears that he will need surgery to remove his gallbladder and for him surgery is not a simple matter. In fact, it is very dangerous on several different levels. Any surgery will be done in Little Rock which is where his surgeon is.

Because of the prayers of God's people, I am moving through this with grace - otherwise I would be devastated. He hasn't even recovered fully from the August surgery. I know it's probably foolish, but I still have a hope that, some day, he will be well enough to return to work. However, I will be filling out the disability paperwork next week.

I have felt like God has been telling me, "I have a plan." I'm glad because I don't. We have been through a lot medically with Phil but this is far and away the worst. This is beyond me. I am going to have to start working full-time next week because tax season is upon us, so I will only be able to visit him once a week but he said, "We have to do what we have to do. It's OK." I'm so grateful.

God has given me a doctor friend who used to be our family doctor but is now retired. When we talk on the phone, I can ask him any question and he gives me the information I need. I wonder if he realizes how greatly God is using him to minister to me. When I didn't know how on earth I would get him to Little Rock, he told me they would take him by ambulance and I didn't even need to give it another thought. He explained how the gallstones caused the pancreatitis (by a stone blocking the common bile duct). He explains anything I need to know and it is a great comfort.

My children have been wonderful too. When I told my daughter that I don't know what I would have done without my son, who is still at home, she said that they were actually considering trying to find a job and moving back here just so I wouldn't be alone. Wow. I wouldn't ever want them to do that because they are so happy where they are now but that really ministered to me. I am not alone, even though it feels that way sometimes.

And my pastor is always there for me. I can call him or stop by to talk to him any time I want. He has walked through all of this with us for the past 6 years and knows my personality so well that he knows just what to say to help me gain some perspective. I couldn't have made it this far without his support.

And so we walk on, one day at a time and one step at a time. God has a plan and He is in control of our lives and that is enough ...

Thank You

Father, thank You for so many things. You are so good to me. Thank You for always, always showing me exactly when to take Phil to the hospital. Thank You that I wasn’t losing my mind - he really was fairly OK when he got home and went downhill yesterday. Thank You that You have made me into an excellent nurse, even though that was and is the last thing I ever wanted to be. Thank You that, even though I still get scared, You have helped me conquer most of the fear and it’s not nearly as bad as it was.

Thank You for giving me that picture of using the rolling chair to get him to the car and for helping me to do that. Thank You that there was a definite reason to admit him. Thank You so much for lifting a huge heavy weight off of my shoulders. Thank You that I will have another blessed week to rest without him. Thank You that there is actually a reason all of this is happening and with that comes hope that the next time he is released, things will go well. Thank You that they can put him on a feeding tube and he will be strengthened. Thank You that he is local and not an hour away.

Thank You that this wasn’t a surprise to You and that You still have a plan for our lives, as pitiful as they may be. Thank You that my babies are coming tomorrow and that You can give me the energy to get ready for them. Thank You for giving me children or else my life would be so sad. Thank You that You are with me forever and ever and will never leave me alone. Thank You for giving me a financial plan so that I don’t have to worry. Thank You that You won’t give me more than I can handle. Thank You that Janet came and changed Phil’s ostomy and that she gave me crucial information that helped me make the right decisions. Thank You that we will be able to take the maximum medical deduction because I was able to get those bills paid off.

Thank You that even when I can’t feel Your presence and I can’t manage to have quiet time, You are still with me and You love me. Thank You so much for finally taking away the fear that he might not be able to ever work again. I am finally free from that thing that was hovering over me for the past few years because I truly don’t care anymore. It doesn’t matter any more because I know that You will provide for us no matter what. Thank You so much, Lord. Thank You that other people are praying when I can’t really do much of that.