7/23/03 Wednesday 12 noon
When I got back to the hospital last night, I had peace until Dr. H. walked in. He didn’t really know anything more, but I started asking him questions about what he thought it could be, which I shouldn’t have done. He said it looks like scleraderma to him and I felt a fiery dart of terror enter into my heart, because I know what that is. I saw a compelling movie about a woman who had it and died from it. I followed the doctor into the hall, where he assured me that Phil could live 25 years with it, although it would be hard. He said that today or tomorrow he should know whether it is an autoimmune disease but that’s all. He is referring him to a specialist who will figure out the diagnosis.
I was a wreck inside, so I left for the evening. I went to the sanctuary and felt like God told me to read every verse and every prophecy He has given me about this situation and about worship. I went home and pulled out every prophecy and read them. And I went through the Bible page by page and read every verse He had given me. I felt the fear melt away. I slept with my Bible in my hand.
This morning the fear was back, so I went into the sanctuary and, to the best of my ability, I laid our lives on the altar. I took my hands off of the situation and told the Lord that I wanted His will and for Him to be glorified in our lives. I don’t see how Phil could lead the worship ministry if he has scleraderma but our lives are in His hands. He is greater than scleraderma or Lupus or RA or anything. His Name is above every illness. And He will fulfill His purposes for us.
It feels like our lives are at stake. After I laid our lives on the altar, I looked in the Bible and felt like God gave me 2 Chronicles 20. Verse 22 says: As they began to sing and praise, the Lord set ambushes against the men ... who were invading Judah, and they were defeated. Verse 15 says: Do not be afraid or discouraged because of this vast army. For the battle is not yours, but God’s. Verse 17 says: You will not have to fight this battle. Take up your positions; stand firm and see the deliverance the Lord will give you ... Do not be afraid or discouraged. And verse 20 says: Have faith in the Lord your God and you will be upheld; have faith in His prophets and you will be successful. So I began to worship.
Mark, our assistant pastor, reminded me how much God loves me and that He will work everything out for our good. The pastor came into Mark’s office and listened and was sweet. And last night one of the elders mowed our yard.
We are being put through the refiner’s fire, for whatever reason. I am learning how to take life one day at a time. God is dealing with fear in me and maybe one day it will all be gone and I will have peace. Maybe it isn’t as bad as it feels.
Phil is doing very well on the steroids. He is smiling, eating, and can actually walk again.
7 pm
I was able to go home for a while and rest, relax, and eat. I also called an Oral Roberts prayer line that someone gave me and someone prayed with me. I’ve never done that before and it was nice. I’ve felt better since then. Phil’s brother has been wonderful. He invited me to eat lunch with him in the cafeteria and he asked how I was. I didn’t want my fear to hurt him, but he insisted that it was OK and it helped to talk. I think that no matter what the diagnosis, God will help us get through this. He will make a way where there seems to be no way, and we will deal with it one day at a time. I have thought of three good places I would be happy working at and I know someone on staff at each one.
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