9/6/03 Saturday 12:30 pm
Last night I went to worship God in the sanctuary and no one else was there. I felt overwhelmed with love for Him and was enjoying being in His presence and worshiping Him, when I started remembering how difficult the past two months had been. I wanted to push those thought aside and keep on enjoying being with the Lord, but I felt like He showed me that He was bringing up those memories because He wanted to heal them. I felt like He told me that he had wounded me and now He wants to heal the bruises that He inflicted upon me. So I cooperated, letting the painful memories come up and crying and crying as He ministered to me. When I opened my Bible, it fell open to Ps. 53 and there was verse 5, a verse which He had given to me over and over and over again throughout this whole ordeal.
There they were, overwhelmed with dread, where there was nothing to dread. Ps. 53:5
And I was overcome with sorrow as I remembered my unbelief. If only I had been able to believe what He was saying to me! I believed Him to some extent, but O that I could have believed Him more! But there is no condemnation. He knows that I am but dust, and part of what He has been teaching me through this process is that when He says something to me, I can believe Him with my whole heart because He is not a man that He should lie. His Word is trustworthy and true. So it’s OK and I forgive myself.
This morning, I felt like God wanted Phil and I to pray together, so we did. For a while it was mostly about praying for our children, and while that was very good, I knew there was something more, so I laid hands on Phil and then a powerful anointing came! I was so surprised and it was great!!! God brought scripture after scripture to my mind to pray for him, and what was so wonderful was that they were the very verses that He had given to me when Phil was in the hospital and so it was very healing for me. For those 21 days, I would sit in my chair and lay the Bible over my heart, no matter what else I was doing. It was almost like the Word of God was a physical shield over my heart, protecting it from harm, and all of that came back to me while I was praying for him.
God showed me that now is the time for a concentrated effort in prayer against these drug side-effects. He showed me that for every single side-effect and for every single point of suffering (ankles, joints, blurry eyes, etc.), there is a corresponding spiritual component. He is not only going to heal every single thing but also give Phil the spiritual component. For instance, I was praying for God to heal his blurry vision, and God told me to pray not only that he would have clear physical vision, but that He would open the eyes of his understanding and give him clear spiritual vision.
While I was praying for Phil, I felt like God also showed me that He has an appointed time for him to return to work and we just have to wait for it. He showed me that his old job is dead and God will be giving him a new job and it is a glorious thing. All the things he hated about his job are now gone and the good things will remain, so that this will be like a new job to him.
I was just amazed at the way God anointed me to pray for him. There is an anointing of power that will be coming on him. I called my friend to tell her that we need to concentrate on praying about the side-effects and she said that God had given her a verse for Phil (in Hebrews I think) - Everything that can be shaken will be shaken. God is shaking everything so that the chaff can fall away and only what is from Him will remain.
This morning, God again gave me a verse which He had tried to give me the other day but I didn’t understand what He was saying (and still don’t) so I didn’t write it down.
He split the rocks in the desert and gave them water as abundant as the seas;
He brought streams out of a rocky crag and made water flow down like rivers. Ps. 778:15-16
I continued with my “Breaking Free” Bible Study and she was asking us to write down the places of wilderness that God has led us through, so I wrote down that He led me into a place of “darkness and terror”. She asked us to read something from Ps. 45, but I “mistakenly” turned to Is. 45 instead and verse 3 jumped out at me.
I will give you the treasures of darkness, riches stored in secret places. Is. 45:3
I felt like God was telling me that He knows that I was in a dark and scary place, but that there will be treasures coming out of that darkness for me. And then to drive the point home, He gave me another verse.
I form the light and create darkness,
I bring prosperity and create disaster;
I, the Lord, do all these things. Is. 45:7
I felt like He was telling me that He knows how hard the darkness was and that He was in complete control the whole time and knew exactly what He was doing. That was healing. He is going to use every moment of my suffering for good. I know that Phil has suffered even more than I have through this ordeal, but God is dealing with my experiences now and He is healing me. This is about me and not about Phil. His stuff is between him and God.
I know that we have more difficulties to get through but my unbelief is low right now and so I feel full of faith that God will give us abundant grace to get through those things. I think that this week, after the colonoscopy, we will finally have the true diagnosis. Watching Dr. D. and Dr. K. deal with this case has helped me to see that Dr. H. did a very good job taking care of Phil. So many things were unknown and I regret that I was so angry with him. I still think that perhaps it isn’t a good idea to go to a doctor you are friends with because it makes everything more difficult, but I am convinced that he did a great job. God has completely healed my relationship with him.
God is using every single moment of my suffering for good and I can see some of it! And He has promised to give me treasures born out of this time of darkness. I feel so relieved that I can see the end of this thing.
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