The Visitation

The eldest daughter of some long-time friends died on Wednesday.  This has hit me hard ... because if it could happen to them, it could happen to us.  I have redoubled my effort to pray for my boys and will continually pray for them until they turn back to God.  It would be better to have never given birth than to have children reject God.

Visitation was last night and it was hard to make myself go, but I knew I needed to.  I am so glad I went, because I think that God used me in some small way.  It was a small, homey funeral home and they had her body in the chapel.  A woman handed me a paper with her picture and obituary on it and directed me into the sanctuary.  I was third in line and spent a minute or so with her body.  I remember her more as a little girl growing up.  There was a music video of pictures, so I sat down in the chapel for a few minutes to watch.

The father of the girl came in and saw me after going up to the front for a few minutes.  I went over and hugged him.  He hugged me very tightly for a long time.  He looked completely shattered.  He said she died of a heart attack because she wasn't taking her medicine regularly.  He thanked me for coming.

The aunt of the girl came in and smiled when she saw me.  We hugged and she said that maybe when we get to heaven, we'll finally get together and talk.  I decided on the way home that I don't want to wait until we get to heaven and plan on contacting her in a few weeks.

The mother of the girl came in and we hugged.  We spoke briefly and then she said she had to go to one of her sons.  Over the years, they have adopted 22 disabled children.  I think this was the first time the kids got to see the girl's body.  I think that, as horrible and painful as this is, the mother will be OK, because she has all those kids to take care of.

It just isn't right for parents to outlive their kids and yet, in the 1800's and 1900's, that is exactly what happened most of the time.  Almost every parent experienced the death of at least one child.  We are so sheltered from death now.  I think when you have to face death as a part of life, you are more likely to think about eternal things and eventually turn to God.

I am so grateful that God used me, even in a small way, because that was the great desire of my heart.

Last night our church helped with an elementary school's fund-raising fair.  All the schools do this every year but this school is a "poverty school" and doesn't have many parents helping, so we helped.  I felt so guilty for not joining in but then, in the middle of the day yesterday, I realized that God puts desires in our hearts and shows us what He wants us to do, and I had absolutely no desire at all to help with the fair ... but I had a burning desire to go to the visitation.  I need to stop feeling guilty and let God decide what I should and shouldn't do, because He is in charge of my life and we don't have much time left.

Life is Short

I feel like the Lord has been talking to me about how short our lives are on the earth and how important it is to let Him carry my burdens (such as my sons) so that I can enjoy the time I have left here and live it to the fullest. I have come to the realization that, although I am certain that God has promised me that my sons will return to Him, it might not happen in my lifetime. I feel old for the first time in my life.


And then this morning, I felt like God gave me parts of Psalm 90:

You turn men back to dust,
saying, “Return to dust, O sons of men.”
For a thousand years in your sight
are like a day that has just gone by,
or like a watch in the night.
You sweep men away in the sleep of death;
they are like the new grass of the morning—
though in the morning it springs up new,
by evening it is dry and withered ...
The length of our days is seventy years—
or eighty, if we have the strength;
yet their span is but trouble and sorrow,
for they quickly pass, and we fly away ...
Teach us to number our days aright,
that we may gain a heart of wisdom ...
Satisfy us in the morning with your unfailing love,
that we may sing for joy and be glad all our days.
Make us glad for as many days as you have afflicted us,
for as many years as we have seen trouble.
May your deeds be shown to your servants,
your splendor to their children.
May the favor of the Lord our God rest upon us;
establish the work of our hands for us—
yes, establish the work of our hands.

I wonder what the deal is. Is God trying to tell me that I will see the face of Jesus soon? Or is He trying to prepare me for my mother's death?  Or neither one?  Don't know, but I do so want Him to establish the work of my hands every day of life that I have left on the earth.

Organizing Genealogy

I cleaned out a shelf of mostly Bibles and devotionals to make room for a Lego shelf in my bookcase.  We had collected way too many Bibles over the years and it feels good to declutter.  I discovered that I enjoy making things for the grandkids to play with out of little Lego kits and now I have a place to put them!

I'm still crocheting away on those scarves for the fourth graders.  I have 8 more camo ones to make for the boys and then a couple more for the girls.  If this ends up working and the kids like them, I plan on doing this for my friend's class every year.

I finally figured out how to get a handle on the enormous amount of information pouring into my life through ancestry.com.  I am typing a "profile page" for every person in my tree.  This is basically a list of the important information for that person, such as birth & death dates, spouse, children, siblings, parents, immigration information, residences, and documentation.  This will make it so much easier to actually see what I have, since I currently have over 2000 people in my tree.  But don't be impressed because ancestry makes it almost TOO easy to incorporate more people. 

I have felt overwhelmed for a while, and that causes the joy to be lost.  I think this "profiling" will help get me back on track.  As I look at what I have for each person, I will also compare the documentation to what I have in my files as hard copies.  I want my tree to have a solid foundation beginning with my parents, and then later on it can reach into the sky with tiny limbs.

When I asked myself why on earth I would even care about dead people, I realized that I organizing information for the people I leave behind.  Hopefully one person in each generation will care about this.  I find history fascinating.  Part of it is that it helps to put my life into perspective.  It also gives me a feeling of belonging to something greater than just my immediate family.

Think on These Things

Today, I will focus on what is good and true and beautiful. I have layed my sons on the altar, prayed for them, and given them to God. Phil too. The end. I will not carry those burdens around all day. I will look to this day only. I will go through the day giving thanks.

I am excited because I think I have finished the girls' scarves! I am making scarves as Christmas gifts for a friend's fourth grade class.  I am considering making all the boys' scarves out of camo yarn, which would be incredibly easy because there would be no decisions to make.

I have also decided to stop waiting for the weather to get cooler because it's still going to be hot for the next two weeks and I have a lot of work to do outside. I need to rake the front yard to collect all the little twigs and spray Round Up and weed all the little onions out of my vinca patch. And I will need to mow again soon.

I have been feeling old, thinking more about how close I am to 60 and I am going to stop that and think instead about how everything has always said I look 10 years younger than I am. So I am going to start thinking 40's instead!


Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.  Phil. 4:8

Questions

A woman I know has suddenly become confused mentally.  There are many questions ... Was it really sudden?  Was it related to her back pain?  Was it a reaction to medication?  If so, will it resolve?  Is it related to depression?  Will it get better?  She is only 70 years old, which is technically "elderly" but doesn't seem that old.  She can't live alone.  It feels as if she was suddenly diagnosed with a fatal illness and is dying.

This morning, I read verses about how this treasure (the glory of God) is held in jars of clay (us) and how we are to fix our eyes not on what is seen but on what is unseen (2 Cor. 4).  If we could live our lives with heaven in our hearts, life wouldn't be so hard and sad sometimes.  How do you fix your eyes on what you can't see?

Windshield

When I got in my car to go to church yesterday and shut the door, I heard a crackling sound. My back windshield had completely shattered! Phil had to take me to work today and I should be able to get the car back around 4. It will cost under $300. It was quite an experience driving it to the place with trash bags taped over the windshield, my hazard lights on, and parts of the windshield continually falling into the backseat.

Mowing

God is so good to me!  It was my job to take care of the inside of the house and my husband's job to take care of the outside.  We had two strong sons who grew up and did most of the mowing ...  Until my husband became permanently disabled and our sons moved away.  We have about an acre that has to be mowed and the parts that border on fields have to be trimmed back every year, which is a big job too.  So this is what God did for me ...

First of all, when I realized that I was going to have to take care of the yard by myself, I asked my youngest son to teach me.  I didn't even know how to turn on or ride the lawnmower, much less take care of the maintenance for it.  Over his last two summers in high school, he taught me what to do and I was surprised to find that I could do it!  At first, it was even hard to stay on the old red mower and I could only mow part of the yard, but after I practiced, I became fairly adept at handling it.

When the old mower began to fail, I realized that we needed a new one and, even in the middle of all the medical bills and trauma and surgeries, God provided and I was able to purchase a small automatic John Deere.  It had been a dream mower because it's so easy to use.  I also bought a little cart for it to pull and that cart was one of the smartest things I ever bought.  I have used it to carry away the trimmings, to haul gravel and rocks, to carry plants for transplanting, and even to give my grandsons a ride.

The first time I ever mowed the whole yard by myself, I whooped and hollered and was incredibly proud of myself and grateful to God!  Did I mention that we have a sharp hilly ridge in the back yard?  Now I love to mow the yard, probably because it reminds me that with God, all things are possible.

Another Start

So I decided to try this again. I want this to be a place where I can pop in and pop out and write long, intense things and write short, not-so-intense things. I want this to be fun! I changed the title and the look to reflect a less serious and more fun and random blog.

Currently I am crocheting like crazy - baby hats and blankets and I'm about to start scarves for fourth graders. The crocheting/knitting bug usually hits in the winter so this is surprising, but a lot of fun.

I have also begun a journey on ancestry.com. It's captivating and very easy to use but I didn't realize how involved it would be. I had only planned on joining for a few months but so much information is basically handed to you that it is going to take maybe a year to do all the research. I have found that it is very easy to get off track by "accepting" other people's "hints" so I'm trying to slow down and do the research along the way. I would rather go back to the 1500's and be sure of what I have than go back to the 500's and wonder.

Doing the genealogy and then attending a funeral this week has made me think about how quickly our lives are over. That is just the way it is. Eternity is the important thing, not so much this life.

" ... For he knows how we are formed,
He remembers that we are dust.
As for man, his days are like grass,
He flourishes like a flower of the field;
The wind blows over it and it is gone,
And its place remembers it no more."
Psalm 103: 14-16

My Story - June 2005

This is the story of the most difficult time of our lives. May the telling of it bring hope to others and help me to heal.

6/22/05 Wednesday 8 am

Last night, for some reason, I began to ask Phil about colon surgery and one thing led to another. It was almost as if I was being used as a instrument of God to set things in motion. Phil was ripe for the picking and immediately began to embrace the idea of surgery and said he would set up an appointment with a surgeon as soon as possible. He even had one already picked out. I did not say that I thought he should get surgery - I was simply asking about it and things began to happen. We both felt scared last night and I cried myself to sleep.

This morning the Lord met me strongly and gave me scripture after scripture. I feel like He is saying that He wants Phil to have this surgery and that He is not only going to heal him physically through it, but He is going to use this experience to heal us emotionally from the wounds of two years ago. It will be painful as we will be walking back through those doorways of pain, but He will take care of us in every way.

I feel like the Lord is telling me that we are to be open and vulnerable and share our needs with the church. He is telling me to ask them to pray specifically for complete physical healing and, just as importantly, ask them to pray for emotional healing from the past. He is showing me who to talk to. And I am to write down the scriptures that He is giving me and give them to the people to pray.

Here are the scriptures:

Do you believe that I am able to do this? According to your faith

will it be done to you. Matt. 9:28-29

He taketh away the first that He may establish the second.

Heb. 10:9

Gladness and joy will overtake them,

and sorrow and sighing will flee away. Is. 35:10

I will bring them back to this land. I will build them up

and not tear them down; I will plant them and not uproot them.

Jer. 24:6

Surely, as I have planned, so it will be, and as I have

purposed, so it will stand. Is. 14:24

The ransomed of the Lord will return.

They will enter Zion with singing;

Everlasting joy will crown their heads.

Gladness and joy will overtake them,

And sorrow and sighing will flee away.

I, even I, am He who comforts you.

Who are you that ... you live in constant terror every day

Because of the wrath of the oppressor,

Who is bent on destruction?

For where is the wrath of the oppressor?

The cowering prisoners will soon be set free;

They will not die in their dungeon,

Nor will they lack bread.

For I am the Lord your God,

Who churns up the sea so that its waves roar -

The Lord Almighty is His name.

I have put My words in your mouth

And covered you with the shadow of My hand. Is. 51:11-16

Though you were ruined and made desolate

And your land laid waste ...

Those who devoured you will be far away. Is. 39:19

The Lord will keep you from all harm

He will watch over your life;

The Lord will watch your coming and going

Both now and forevermore. Ps. 121:7-8

My Story - July 2004

This is the story of the most difficult time of our lives. May the telling of it bring hope to others and help me to heal.

7/18/04 Sunday 9 pm

Phil went to the elders’ meeting tonight to resign from his position as elder but instead was put on inactive status. He will not be leading worship either but I think he might still be playing on the worship teams. He is angry at God because his diverticular disease is getting worse and worse and he is in a lot of pain every morning. He said he has been praying and praying and praying for either healing or peace and has gotten neither. He is very, very discouraged. The elders were shocked that they hadn’t known what was going on and spent a long time praying for him. From what he said, it didn’t seem to help, and they don’t have a plan on how to deal with this other then trying to keep in touch with him better.

When I think things can’t get any worse, they do. He has a chronic illness and God doesn’t seem to be answering his cries for help. I told him that there are a lot of things I don’t understand but I know that God is good and loves us. I know that, no matter what I see with my eyes.

As bad as everything is right now, I unreasonably believe that, spiritually, things are about to happen, God is about to start moving. Phil said that when he thinks about last year, the pain isn’t the worst thing. The thing that he hated the most, that was the most painful for him, was the complete, utter dependency. That helplessness is what traumatized him most of all and what he is most afraid of.

7/19/04 Monday 7:30 am

Last night right before I was about to go to sleep, I had the sudden realization that what Phil is experiencing is diverticulitis, which is just diverticulosis with an infection. I suddenly remembered last time this happened - about 2 years ago. He had the exact same symptoms and was saying the same things. When he finally went in to see Dr. H. about it, the doctor was angry that he had waited so long for treatment. I was so sure of what the Lord had shown me that I got up and went to tell him. I had mentioned the possibility of this when we were talking earlier in the evening and he had dismissed it, but this time he listened.

I feel like the Lord gave me this verse concerning Phil: A bruised reed He will not break, and a smoldering wick He will not snuff out. (Is. 42:3) I felt like He also gave me this verse for myself: Be still and know that I am God. (Ps. 46:10)

7/22/04 Wednesday 2:30 pm

Phil just called and said that he did go to see Dr. H. and he does have diverticulitis.

My Story - February 2004

This is the story of the most difficult time of our lives. May the telling of it bring hope to others and help me to heal.

2/9/04 Monday 3:30 pm

They will come out with great possessions. (Gen. 15:14) God spoke this verse to me on Saturday during a Bible Study and then again this morning when I woke up. And He is doing just that - He is giving us great possessions! Today I went to Little Rock and purchased a laptop computer!!! This has been a dream of mine for at least 4 years and it has always seemed to be an impossible dream.

As I was finishing the “Breaking Free” Bible Study by Beth Moore on Saturday, the lesson was about the Israelites coming out of Egypt and she pointed out that it was God’s will that they plunder their enemies. God delivered them with riches of gold and silver and costly stones (Exo. 12:35) which they later used to build Moses’ Tabernacle, the place where the glory of God dwelt. Beth told us to name our plunder and when I asked God to help me, it all poured forth out of my heart.

My plunder from the enemy this past year ...

discernment

knowing the enemy’s tricks better

greater faith

the ability to stand

a deeper trust of God

the ability to worship in the dark

a greater dependence on God

knowing by experience that He will provide even when it looks impossible

deeper friendships

deeper intimacy with the Lord

having my faith tested and having it come forth like gold

knowing that when it comes to the bottom line, I choose God’s will over my life & over Phil’s life

learning how to fight through worship

greater assurance of who I am in Christ and greater confidence in the gifts He has given me

a greater appreciation of the gift of prophecy

knowing that in my neediest times, I can still give to my friends

a harvest of intercession on our behalf

As I wrote this list, I realized that if there had been no trials, there would have been no plunder. These things are treasures, they are precious treasures that could be gotten no other way than walking through this darkness. Beth said that the plunder will become a display of God’s splendor. It was literal with the Israelites and it is spiritual with us. Their plunder became the very materials used to build the Tabernacle, it became the treasures used to display God’s splendor. (Exo. 35:4-29). Beth said that God will force the enemy to give up plunder to you, so look for it and expect it so that you don’t miss it.

This morning, I felt like God kept saying, “They will come out with great possessions.” over and over again. (I had asked for a confirmation about the laptop.) I looked at the serger sitting on my sewing table and thought about the laptop and the truck and the tax money.

My Story - February 2004

This is the story of the most difficult time of our lives. May the telling of it bring hope to others and help me to heal.

2/1/04 Sunday 10 am - 2/2/04 Monday

This morning Phil played backup for worship for the first time in 7 months. During Sunday School time, Brian F. walked in (he leads Common Ground) and he sat with us during the service. He had been wanting to visit our church but had no idea that it was Phil’s first time back. It was interesting to listen to him and Dale talk about Phil. Brian said that after Common Ground’s first meeting in January, he and Boyd knew that it was time for Phil to come back, so they decided to set his place up every week and pray - and after a few weeks, Phil came back. Dale said that he, too, knew it was time and told him that he was going to start scheduling him to play on the worship team in February. And here it is February 1 and he’s already playing again.

2/4/04 Wednesday

and I made myself do our taxes because I didn’t want them hanging over my head. I wanted to know what was going on so that I could adjust my Federal Withholding if necessary. As I was figuring out the computations, I had a scare because I thought for a minute that we owed close to $2000, but it turned out that we were getting a refund of about $1755.

Later, I asked Eva to look over my tax computations. She had taken part of an H&R Block tax course in the fall, so she was happy to deal with our taxes. By using the things that she had learned in the course, she was able to find us about $500 and then Phil found us about $400. According to both of them, we will be getting a refund of $2959!!!

This has never ever happened to us before! I have paid off all of the medical bills and all we owe is $2000 - $3000 to my parents and $1000 to his parents. A few days ago, I sent a $200 check to my mom for the first payment. And now it looks like we will be able to pay both sets of parents off in full within a month! Jehovah-Jireh, My Provider!!!

My Story - December 2003

This is the story of the most difficult time of our lives. May the telling of it bring hope to others and help me to heal.

12/19/03 Friday 9 pm

This morning I received a call from a nurse at Otterbein Homes, where my mom and sweet step-father live, telling me that Marion had collapsed and was in the ER. It turned out to be a blood clot in his brain that had formed due to a fall he had several days ago, which caused a stroke. He had surgery and is doing well, but will be in the hospital for a while and then in rehab. It’s been a stressful day.

The Lord also gave me the verse in Proverbs 3 that says: Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. When I look at what is going on around me, I sure do not understand what He is doing. None of it makes any sense to me at all and yet I do trust Him and I believe that He will fulfill the Word that He has spoken to me.

12/26/03 Friday 8 am

Christmas was truly amazing! This year I let go of everything and didn’t strive and, much to my amazement, God moved in and gave gift upon gift!

While Eva and Kevin were over, Phil suddenly asked Kevin to help him move his recliner back into the living room. He proceeded to completely move out of the computer room and back into the rest of the house! It was a complete surprise to me - in fact, I had recently finally let go of the whole thing and decided that God must have a good reason for keeping him isolated. And he apologized for isolating himself from the family for so long. I heard him tell his brother on the phone that yesterday was the best day he had had since he getting out of the hospital. And it was the first time he had slept in our bed since March. In one day, God brought divine order to our house, just like He said He would! This morning, He gave me this verse:

Lord, You establish peace for us; All that we have accomplished You have done for us.

O Lord, our God, other lords besides You have ruled over us,

But Your Name alone do we honor.

They are now dead, they live no more; those departed spirits do not rise.

You punished them and brought them to ruin; You wiped out all memory of them.

Isaiah 26:12-14

God also gave me other wonderful gifts. Eva and Kevin came over not only once but twice, and we played Guess Who?, ate apple pie, and had a lot of fun. One day last week, Dale had taken Phil out to the Hastings Café (Eva is the manager) to hear a guitar-player, and Phil had taken that opportunity to buy me a CD for Christmas, much to my surprise. We had used my mom’s Christmas money to buy a DVD/video player, and yesterday I discovered that it not only plays the CDs that I create, but it plays regular CDs too!!! In the living room - through the TV! It’s so incredibly cool!!!

We were listening to Jesse’s new shortwave radio, picking up stations from all kinds of countries, when he tried the local band and suddenly heard music from his Christmas band concert coming out of the radio! A local station was playing the CD that had been made of the concert and was Jesse ever surprised!

While playing “Guess Who?” with Eva and Kevin, I had an important insight. They wanted to make the game more interesting by guessing two people instead of one, which is a lot harder. I felt intimidated playing against them because they are so sharp, so I asked Jesse to help me. After a while he went and sat down somewhere else, and then when I won a game, he pointed out that I had beaten them all by myself. I realized that when Eva and Kevin won a game, I was sure it was due to their high intelligence but when I won, I was equally sure it was because I was “lucky”. I discount myself without even realizing it!

This was the best Christmas ever. I didn’t try to “make” Christmas - I just sort of let it happen - and it was wonderful! The whole day was very peaceful and relaxed. I didn’t strive in any way or even try to keep the house clean or anything, but it ended up cleaned and we ended up having a wonderful meal and spending time with our wonderful children. Having a nice quiet Christmas at home can be the best thing of all! God is so very good to me!

My Story - December 2003

This is the story of the most difficult time of our lives. May the telling of it bring hope to others and help me to heal.

12/18/03 Thursday 7:30 am

Phil is in a deep pit of depression and I didn’t realize how bad it was until last night when I asked him how his day went and he burst into tears. I heard darkness and death coming out of his mouth, despair and hopelessness. When I suggested that he go and talk to Travis, he angrily said that prayer won’t help this. What bothers me the most is the bitterness towards God. He is only able to get through each day by God’s grace.

I believe it is from the enemy and I found myself sinking into it also. He is speaking lies and I found myself listening to them and starting to believe them. I realized what was happening and started to pray and read the Bible and then I was able to get back on even footing.

God gave me scriptures and a song this morning and I was encouraged. He keeps on saying “Trust Me” and I do choose to trust Him with this. It is not over by a long shot and I have no idea what else we will have to go through. I am willing to do whatever He shows me to do. I trust Him with our lives and with our sanity. It looks so impossible from here and yet I know that He can do the impossible.

These are the scriptures and the song that He gave me this morning:

Then you will call upon Me and come and pray to Me, and

I will listen to you. I will be found by you, declares the Lord,

and will restore your fortunes. Jer. 29:12,14

To me, God is saying that a time is coming when I will call to Him and pray to Him about this very situation, and He will listen to me and will be found by me. He will answer and it will be very apparent that He is answering and He will restore everything that has been taken by the enemy.

Some of the wise will stumble, so that they may be refined,

purified, and made spotless ... for it will still come at the

appointed time. Dan. 11:35

To me, God is saying that He can use this time to refine Phil and purify him. I can leave it in God’s hands and not be upset about it, despite everything that I am seeing with my eyes.

“Don’t grow weary doing well, don’t surrender in the fight;

Keep on storming the gates of hell and doing what you know is right.

For there will be seasons of testing and there may be weeping for a night,

But soon we’ll be reaping the blessings if we keep on pressing toward the light.

Don’t grow weary doing well ...”

God is saying that He sees me and He knows how hard this is and how tired we both are. He is encouraging me to keep on going and not surrender to the enemy. He is exhorting me to keep on praying and doing warfare and doing what He has shown me to do. He is telling me that a better day is coming if we don’t give up.

O Lord, what is man that You care for him, the son of man that You think of him?

Man is like a breath; his days are like a fleeting shadow. Ps. 144:3-4

God sees Phil and He cares about our situation.

Part your heavens, O Lord, and come down; touch the mountains, so that they smoke.

Send forth lightning and scatter the enemies, shoot Your arrows and rout them.

Reach down from on high; deliver me and rescue me from the mighty waters,

From the hands of foreigners whose mouths are full of lies,

Whose right hands are deceitful. Ps. 144:5-8

There will come a time when God will come down on our behalf and rout our enemies. He will reach down and rescue us.

I will sing a new song to You, O God; on the ten-stringed lyre I will make music to You,

To the One who gives victory to kinds, Who delivers His servant David

From the deadly sword.

Deliver and rescue me from the hands of foreigners

Whose mouths are full of lies, whose right hands are deceitful. Ps. 144:10-11

God is going to give Phil victory and put a new song in his mouth. Phil’s relationship with God will be restored and he will worship God again with his whole heart.

Then our sons in their youth will be like well- nurtured plants,

And our daughters will be like pillars carved to adorn a palace.

Our barns will be filled with every kind of provision.

Our sheep will increase by thousands, by tens of thousands in our fields;

Our oxen will draw heavy loads.

There will be no breaching of walls, no going into captivity,

No cry of distress in our streets.

Blessed are the people of whom this is true;

Blessed are the people whose God is the Lord. Ps. 144:12-15

A better day is coming!

My Story - December 2003

This is the story of the most difficult time of our lives. May the telling of it bring hope to others and help me to heal.

12/6/03 Saturday 7:30 pm

When I sat down with the ice pack after an hour of ironing, I automatically started to put it on my shoulder and then realized that it was my back that hurt. God has completely healed my shoulder! He said He would and He did!

I am so blessed! I have a job with flexible hours that I enjoy. I still have a wonderful child at home. Phil is working 6 hours a day consistently and we have our insurance back now. God has given me fulfilling projects to do - sewing, cross stitch, scrapbooking, writing, etc. And God has given me heart friends who love me deeply, and my relationship with them is all about the Lord. One blessing after another.

12/7/03 Sunday 1:30 pm

Jesse is in the Christmas orchestra in our church this year and I am at their rehearsal. The first song gave me goosebumps! I had decided to pay him to be in it this year but it never came to that because when he saw the music, he knew he could do it. I’m so glad he’s in it! I pray that God would anoint his trumpet and that it would always be played for His glory.

Church was hard because it is so dead and I feel so alone. However, God continues faithfully to encourage me. Travis said in Sunday School this morning that when God says something will happen, it will happen, and God gave me several verses this morning.

For I will restore the fortunes of the land as they were before, says the Lord. Jer. 33:11

And so after waiting patiently, Abraham received what was promised. Heb. 6:156

Be glad, O barren woman, who bears no children;

Break forth and cry aloud, you who have no labor pains;

Because more are the children of the desolate woman

Than of her who has a husband. Gal. 4:27

Yet he did not waver through unbelief regarding the promise of God,

but was strengthened in his faith and gave glory to God, being fully

persuaded that God had power to do what He had promised. Rom. 4:20-21

I feel like God is telling me that He will heal Phil completely and that He will restore everything else that goes along with it - finances, emotional trauma, etc. I think He is also saying that I need to keep on waiting patiently, standing firm and believing that He will do everything that He has promised to do, both personally and in the church. And I don’t know what the Gal. verse means, except that somehow I will “bear” children. I certainly am barren right now.

My Story - November 2003

This is the story of the most difficult time of our lives. May the telling of it bring hope to others and help me to heal.

11/22/03 Saturday

Then I dreamt that Phil had died. First my mother had died and then about a month later, Phil died. He actually died physically and his body was at the funeral home. There was no doubt that he was totally, completely dead. His funeral was going to be tomorrow and I was at a gathering at someone else’s house like you have when people die. I had been emotionally beginning to deal with his death, thinking that I was going to need to get a full-time job and thinking about how much I would miss him and how I would be alone. I was sitting on a sofa, thinking that he wouldn’t be there when I needed to talk to him and that I wouldn’t have him to lean on, and everyone was talking quietly.

And then he walked into the place where we were! He walked in and I knew it was him. He looked kind of sheepish, like he knew that nobody would believe what he was about to say. I said something like, “Is it really you?” and when he said yes, then I knew that God had raised him from the dead. I said something like, “God raised you from the dead!” and he said yes. I hugged him and cried for a long time. I completely, totally believed but the others, even though they were right there and could see him with their own eyes just like I could, didn’t embrace the truth right away. It didn’t matter to us, though.

My Story - November 2003

This is the story of the most difficult time of our lives. May the telling of it bring hope to others and help me to heal.

11/14/03 Friday 7:30 am

As I have been dancing in Phil’s room all week, I have seen changes. He saw his first clients the day after I began - one was scheduled but one was not. And yesterday he said that he is doing well except in the mornings but then he said that he is sure that will change too. Those are the first words of hope instead of depression that I have heard come out of his mouth in ages. Today, I felt like God gave me some verses that describe what He has been doing with me as I dance in that room.

Do not be afraid ... for I Myself will help you ...

See, I will make you into a threshing sledge,

New and sharp, with many teeth.

You will thresh the mountains and crush them,

And reduce the hills to chaff.

You will winnow them, the wind will pick them up,

And a gale will blow them away.

But you will rejoice in the Lord

And glory in the Holy One of Israel. Isaiah 41:14-16

11/18/03 Tuesday 8 am

I had to ask Phil if he would start taking Jesse to church again so that I could go back to Travis’ class. I guess I assumed that as he got better, he would take up the things again that he wasn’t able to do for the past few months, but he isn’t about to do that. I have to ask for every little thing and so I will. I heard him telling someone at church that he is basically fine now except for the depression. The fatigue is almost totally gone.

I have been clinically depressed and I know how awful it is, but millions of people are clinically depressed and you just have to go on anyway, so I don’t have much sympathy left. He has been perfectly content with working 4 hours a day and not even trying to increase the hours, which has been extremely frustrating for me, so the other day I confronted him about it and now this week he is working 5 hours a day and said that he will keep increasing it each week. Maybe by Jan. 1, he will be working full time again. Sometimes I just want to scream!!! I don’t like him very much right now.

I am still worshiping in his “room” every day while he is at work. Sometimes it’s wonderful and sometimes it just work. But I am determined to obey no matter what.

My Story - November 2003

This is the story of the most difficult time of our lives. May the telling of it bring hope to others and help me to heal.

11/10/03 Monday 2:30 pm

I found myself in T’s office this morning, purely on his initiation and not mine. He asked what was going on and listened as I told him. He said that he heard darkness coming out of my mouth - despair, hopelessness, helplessness, confusion, depression, and gloom - and that I was double-minded and deceived. Needless to say, this was hard to hear, and I even prayed that he would hurry up and finish so that I could leave because I was under such heavy condemnation as he spoke. He kept saying that I needed to fight and I was feeling more and more overwhelmed because I don’t have any strength left.

He showed me a picture of a bull-fighting arena with a bull just coming into it, and he said that God has let this bull into our arena, but He hand-picked the bull to be sure that we could handle it. And we have been laying down and letting the bull run us into the ground, but God wants us to get up and fight. God allows things to come into our lives to test us, but that does not mean that we are to submit to them. I have been submitting to it, thinking that I was submitting to God’s will, and that was a lie - I have been deceived.

He wanted to pray for me and as he did, I felt like God told me to go into Phil’s “room” when he is at work and worship using my tambourine. He said that He will lead me into warfare as I worship and dispel the darkness. That room will be filled with light! When I told T what God had said to me, he suddenly felt the Holy Spirit’s presence strongly and he agreed that is what I should do and even suggested that I not say a word to Phil but just watch and see what God does. He said that as I dance, darkness will flee and that will be a powerful testimony. Several times he talked about me standing up in front of people and giving a testimony of victory. He said that I am an overcomer.

When I got home and Phil left, I went right into his room and worshiped, not being mindful of the time (it ended up being an hour) or anything else. I worshiped and worshiped and felt God’s presence ministering to me. I felt like He was pleased with me and He forgave me for being deceived and attributing this thing to Him when it was the enemy’s work.

God is so good! He is kind and compassionate and always on my side. He is doing this thing - all I have to do is worship Him. That’s all! He will do the rest. And no matter how weak I feel, worshiping Him is one thing that I can do!

My Story - November 2003

This is the story of the most difficult time of our lives. May the telling of it bring hope to others and help me to heal.

11/8/03 Saturday

Phil seems very depressed, although he says the fatigue is getting a little better each week. He’s in his own little (very little) world and I feel so alone. Christmas is next month and I can’t even think about it without getting stressed out. And Thanksgiving is even worse. Not only do we not have Eva and Zachary anymore, but this year, in a way, we don’t have Phil either. I am a single parent and it’s up to me to try to make the holidays passable and bearable for Jesse. Oh, that I had more faith and a greater ability to stand on God’s Word! Last Sunday during the sermon, I felt like God told me that I need to drink this entire cup of suffering. He said, “You don’t want to drink it down to the dregs (the last remaining part).” So I have entered back into this suffering, and it is a miserable place to be.

I feel like God has been telling me to “follow joy”. Joy is when I don’t have a burden of “shoulds” on me. Sometimes I can almost touch freedom in this area and I want that freedom with all my heart. I want freedom to just be myself and to do what I want to do, with no strings attached. I live for others, but in an unhealthy way, because my life is focused on trying to figure out what they want so that I can try to be what they want me to be. God wants to set me free.

I lifted the yoke ... Hosea 11:4

The images carried about are burdensome, a burden for the weary. Isaiah 46:1

Come to Me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest;

take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in

heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My

burden is light. Matthew 11:28-30

My yoke is works but God’s yoke is grace. In “Morning and Evening”, Charles Spurgeon says that: “The life of faith is represented as receiving - an act which implies the very opposite of anything like merit. It is simply the acceptance of a gift. As the earth drinks in the rain, so we, giving nothing, partake freely of the grace of God. The saints ... are but cisterns into which the living water flows; they are empty vessels into which God pours His salvation. The idea of receiving implies a sense of realization ... Receiving also means grasping or getting possession of ... I appropriate to myself that which is given.” I think he is saying that faith is receiving from God by grace that which He wants to give to us - things like rest and peace.

God has been talking to me about “tomorrow.” I feel like He gave me the story in 2 Kings 6-7 to encourage me about our situation - which can be extremely discouraging at times.

This disaster is from the Lord ... Hear the word of the Lord ... About this

time tomorrow, a seah of flour will sell for a shekel ... Could this happen?...

It happened as the man of God had said. 2 Kings 6-7

I led them with cords of human kindness, with ties of love;

I lifted the yoke from their neck and bent down to feed them. Hosea 11:4

Consecrate yourselves, for tomorrow the Lord will do amazing

things among you. Joshua 3:5

I hope that tomorrow is soon.

My Story - October 2003

This is the story of the most difficult time of our lives. May the telling of it bring hope to others and help me to heal.

10/19/03 Sunday 8:30 pm

It’s been a rough weekend. I knew church would be hard but it was harder than I thought it would be. I asked for prayer and it didn’t work out. I don’t understand. Does God want me to only look to Him or am I inept at communicating my needs? I felt so very lonely and it was so painful that I could hardly stay. When I got home I looked up hidden and it said “invisible”, which is exactly how I feel.

10/24/03 Friday 8 am

O Father, please help me! Help me to rest in You. Help me to stop struggling with this and enter into Your rest and peace. I need You. I love You and I miss You when we’re apart. And when You don’t speak to me, then I feel like we’re apart. Father, I submit to You. I yield to Your will and Your way. I give myself over to You. I say that You know what’s best. I love You and I trust You. Please give me grace for this time of separateness and aloneness.

See, I have refined you ...

I have tested you in the furnace of affliction.

For My own sake, for My own sake, I do this.

How can I let Myself be defamed?

I will not yield My glory to another. Is. 48:10-11

Father, I accept this part of Your refining fire. I accept this. Do whatever You have to do. I give myself to You. I bow to You. I will keep talking to You anyway.

God sees my suffering and calls it affliction. He is teaching me and directing me through this time of refining. It’s not that something is wrong with me. I am perceiving what is happening correctly. It isn’t that I can’t hear - it’s that God isn’t speaking. So I can relax into it and let Him have His way.