My Story - June 2005

This is the story of the most difficult time of our lives. May the telling of it bring hope to others and help me to heal.

6/22/05 Wednesday 8 am

Last night, for some reason, I began to ask Phil about colon surgery and one thing led to another. It was almost as if I was being used as a instrument of God to set things in motion. Phil was ripe for the picking and immediately began to embrace the idea of surgery and said he would set up an appointment with a surgeon as soon as possible. He even had one already picked out. I did not say that I thought he should get surgery - I was simply asking about it and things began to happen. We both felt scared last night and I cried myself to sleep.

This morning the Lord met me strongly and gave me scripture after scripture. I feel like He is saying that He wants Phil to have this surgery and that He is not only going to heal him physically through it, but He is going to use this experience to heal us emotionally from the wounds of two years ago. It will be painful as we will be walking back through those doorways of pain, but He will take care of us in every way.

I feel like the Lord is telling me that we are to be open and vulnerable and share our needs with the church. He is telling me to ask them to pray specifically for complete physical healing and, just as importantly, ask them to pray for emotional healing from the past. He is showing me who to talk to. And I am to write down the scriptures that He is giving me and give them to the people to pray.

Here are the scriptures:

Do you believe that I am able to do this? According to your faith

will it be done to you. Matt. 9:28-29

He taketh away the first that He may establish the second.

Heb. 10:9

Gladness and joy will overtake them,

and sorrow and sighing will flee away. Is. 35:10

I will bring them back to this land. I will build them up

and not tear them down; I will plant them and not uproot them.

Jer. 24:6

Surely, as I have planned, so it will be, and as I have

purposed, so it will stand. Is. 14:24

The ransomed of the Lord will return.

They will enter Zion with singing;

Everlasting joy will crown their heads.

Gladness and joy will overtake them,

And sorrow and sighing will flee away.

I, even I, am He who comforts you.

Who are you that ... you live in constant terror every day

Because of the wrath of the oppressor,

Who is bent on destruction?

For where is the wrath of the oppressor?

The cowering prisoners will soon be set free;

They will not die in their dungeon,

Nor will they lack bread.

For I am the Lord your God,

Who churns up the sea so that its waves roar -

The Lord Almighty is His name.

I have put My words in your mouth

And covered you with the shadow of My hand. Is. 51:11-16

Though you were ruined and made desolate

And your land laid waste ...

Those who devoured you will be far away. Is. 39:19

The Lord will keep you from all harm

He will watch over your life;

The Lord will watch your coming and going

Both now and forevermore. Ps. 121:7-8

My Story - July 2004

This is the story of the most difficult time of our lives. May the telling of it bring hope to others and help me to heal.

7/18/04 Sunday 9 pm

Phil went to the elders’ meeting tonight to resign from his position as elder but instead was put on inactive status. He will not be leading worship either but I think he might still be playing on the worship teams. He is angry at God because his diverticular disease is getting worse and worse and he is in a lot of pain every morning. He said he has been praying and praying and praying for either healing or peace and has gotten neither. He is very, very discouraged. The elders were shocked that they hadn’t known what was going on and spent a long time praying for him. From what he said, it didn’t seem to help, and they don’t have a plan on how to deal with this other then trying to keep in touch with him better.

When I think things can’t get any worse, they do. He has a chronic illness and God doesn’t seem to be answering his cries for help. I told him that there are a lot of things I don’t understand but I know that God is good and loves us. I know that, no matter what I see with my eyes.

As bad as everything is right now, I unreasonably believe that, spiritually, things are about to happen, God is about to start moving. Phil said that when he thinks about last year, the pain isn’t the worst thing. The thing that he hated the most, that was the most painful for him, was the complete, utter dependency. That helplessness is what traumatized him most of all and what he is most afraid of.

7/19/04 Monday 7:30 am

Last night right before I was about to go to sleep, I had the sudden realization that what Phil is experiencing is diverticulitis, which is just diverticulosis with an infection. I suddenly remembered last time this happened - about 2 years ago. He had the exact same symptoms and was saying the same things. When he finally went in to see Dr. H. about it, the doctor was angry that he had waited so long for treatment. I was so sure of what the Lord had shown me that I got up and went to tell him. I had mentioned the possibility of this when we were talking earlier in the evening and he had dismissed it, but this time he listened.

I feel like the Lord gave me this verse concerning Phil: A bruised reed He will not break, and a smoldering wick He will not snuff out. (Is. 42:3) I felt like He also gave me this verse for myself: Be still and know that I am God. (Ps. 46:10)

7/22/04 Wednesday 2:30 pm

Phil just called and said that he did go to see Dr. H. and he does have diverticulitis.

My Story - February 2004

This is the story of the most difficult time of our lives. May the telling of it bring hope to others and help me to heal.

2/9/04 Monday 3:30 pm

They will come out with great possessions. (Gen. 15:14) God spoke this verse to me on Saturday during a Bible Study and then again this morning when I woke up. And He is doing just that - He is giving us great possessions! Today I went to Little Rock and purchased a laptop computer!!! This has been a dream of mine for at least 4 years and it has always seemed to be an impossible dream.

As I was finishing the “Breaking Free” Bible Study by Beth Moore on Saturday, the lesson was about the Israelites coming out of Egypt and she pointed out that it was God’s will that they plunder their enemies. God delivered them with riches of gold and silver and costly stones (Exo. 12:35) which they later used to build Moses’ Tabernacle, the place where the glory of God dwelt. Beth told us to name our plunder and when I asked God to help me, it all poured forth out of my heart.

My plunder from the enemy this past year ...

discernment

knowing the enemy’s tricks better

greater faith

the ability to stand

a deeper trust of God

the ability to worship in the dark

a greater dependence on God

knowing by experience that He will provide even when it looks impossible

deeper friendships

deeper intimacy with the Lord

having my faith tested and having it come forth like gold

knowing that when it comes to the bottom line, I choose God’s will over my life & over Phil’s life

learning how to fight through worship

greater assurance of who I am in Christ and greater confidence in the gifts He has given me

a greater appreciation of the gift of prophecy

knowing that in my neediest times, I can still give to my friends

a harvest of intercession on our behalf

As I wrote this list, I realized that if there had been no trials, there would have been no plunder. These things are treasures, they are precious treasures that could be gotten no other way than walking through this darkness. Beth said that the plunder will become a display of God’s splendor. It was literal with the Israelites and it is spiritual with us. Their plunder became the very materials used to build the Tabernacle, it became the treasures used to display God’s splendor. (Exo. 35:4-29). Beth said that God will force the enemy to give up plunder to you, so look for it and expect it so that you don’t miss it.

This morning, I felt like God kept saying, “They will come out with great possessions.” over and over again. (I had asked for a confirmation about the laptop.) I looked at the serger sitting on my sewing table and thought about the laptop and the truck and the tax money.

My Story - February 2004

This is the story of the most difficult time of our lives. May the telling of it bring hope to others and help me to heal.

2/1/04 Sunday 10 am - 2/2/04 Monday

This morning Phil played backup for worship for the first time in 7 months. During Sunday School time, Brian F. walked in (he leads Common Ground) and he sat with us during the service. He had been wanting to visit our church but had no idea that it was Phil’s first time back. It was interesting to listen to him and Dale talk about Phil. Brian said that after Common Ground’s first meeting in January, he and Boyd knew that it was time for Phil to come back, so they decided to set his place up every week and pray - and after a few weeks, Phil came back. Dale said that he, too, knew it was time and told him that he was going to start scheduling him to play on the worship team in February. And here it is February 1 and he’s already playing again.

2/4/04 Wednesday

and I made myself do our taxes because I didn’t want them hanging over my head. I wanted to know what was going on so that I could adjust my Federal Withholding if necessary. As I was figuring out the computations, I had a scare because I thought for a minute that we owed close to $2000, but it turned out that we were getting a refund of about $1755.

Later, I asked Eva to look over my tax computations. She had taken part of an H&R Block tax course in the fall, so she was happy to deal with our taxes. By using the things that she had learned in the course, she was able to find us about $500 and then Phil found us about $400. According to both of them, we will be getting a refund of $2959!!!

This has never ever happened to us before! I have paid off all of the medical bills and all we owe is $2000 - $3000 to my parents and $1000 to his parents. A few days ago, I sent a $200 check to my mom for the first payment. And now it looks like we will be able to pay both sets of parents off in full within a month! Jehovah-Jireh, My Provider!!!

My Story - December 2003

This is the story of the most difficult time of our lives. May the telling of it bring hope to others and help me to heal.

12/19/03 Friday 9 pm

This morning I received a call from a nurse at Otterbein Homes, where my mom and sweet step-father live, telling me that Marion had collapsed and was in the ER. It turned out to be a blood clot in his brain that had formed due to a fall he had several days ago, which caused a stroke. He had surgery and is doing well, but will be in the hospital for a while and then in rehab. It’s been a stressful day.

The Lord also gave me the verse in Proverbs 3 that says: Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. When I look at what is going on around me, I sure do not understand what He is doing. None of it makes any sense to me at all and yet I do trust Him and I believe that He will fulfill the Word that He has spoken to me.

12/26/03 Friday 8 am

Christmas was truly amazing! This year I let go of everything and didn’t strive and, much to my amazement, God moved in and gave gift upon gift!

While Eva and Kevin were over, Phil suddenly asked Kevin to help him move his recliner back into the living room. He proceeded to completely move out of the computer room and back into the rest of the house! It was a complete surprise to me - in fact, I had recently finally let go of the whole thing and decided that God must have a good reason for keeping him isolated. And he apologized for isolating himself from the family for so long. I heard him tell his brother on the phone that yesterday was the best day he had had since he getting out of the hospital. And it was the first time he had slept in our bed since March. In one day, God brought divine order to our house, just like He said He would! This morning, He gave me this verse:

Lord, You establish peace for us; All that we have accomplished You have done for us.

O Lord, our God, other lords besides You have ruled over us,

But Your Name alone do we honor.

They are now dead, they live no more; those departed spirits do not rise.

You punished them and brought them to ruin; You wiped out all memory of them.

Isaiah 26:12-14

God also gave me other wonderful gifts. Eva and Kevin came over not only once but twice, and we played Guess Who?, ate apple pie, and had a lot of fun. One day last week, Dale had taken Phil out to the Hastings Café (Eva is the manager) to hear a guitar-player, and Phil had taken that opportunity to buy me a CD for Christmas, much to my surprise. We had used my mom’s Christmas money to buy a DVD/video player, and yesterday I discovered that it not only plays the CDs that I create, but it plays regular CDs too!!! In the living room - through the TV! It’s so incredibly cool!!!

We were listening to Jesse’s new shortwave radio, picking up stations from all kinds of countries, when he tried the local band and suddenly heard music from his Christmas band concert coming out of the radio! A local station was playing the CD that had been made of the concert and was Jesse ever surprised!

While playing “Guess Who?” with Eva and Kevin, I had an important insight. They wanted to make the game more interesting by guessing two people instead of one, which is a lot harder. I felt intimidated playing against them because they are so sharp, so I asked Jesse to help me. After a while he went and sat down somewhere else, and then when I won a game, he pointed out that I had beaten them all by myself. I realized that when Eva and Kevin won a game, I was sure it was due to their high intelligence but when I won, I was equally sure it was because I was “lucky”. I discount myself without even realizing it!

This was the best Christmas ever. I didn’t try to “make” Christmas - I just sort of let it happen - and it was wonderful! The whole day was very peaceful and relaxed. I didn’t strive in any way or even try to keep the house clean or anything, but it ended up cleaned and we ended up having a wonderful meal and spending time with our wonderful children. Having a nice quiet Christmas at home can be the best thing of all! God is so very good to me!

My Story - December 2003

This is the story of the most difficult time of our lives. May the telling of it bring hope to others and help me to heal.

12/18/03 Thursday 7:30 am

Phil is in a deep pit of depression and I didn’t realize how bad it was until last night when I asked him how his day went and he burst into tears. I heard darkness and death coming out of his mouth, despair and hopelessness. When I suggested that he go and talk to Travis, he angrily said that prayer won’t help this. What bothers me the most is the bitterness towards God. He is only able to get through each day by God’s grace.

I believe it is from the enemy and I found myself sinking into it also. He is speaking lies and I found myself listening to them and starting to believe them. I realized what was happening and started to pray and read the Bible and then I was able to get back on even footing.

God gave me scriptures and a song this morning and I was encouraged. He keeps on saying “Trust Me” and I do choose to trust Him with this. It is not over by a long shot and I have no idea what else we will have to go through. I am willing to do whatever He shows me to do. I trust Him with our lives and with our sanity. It looks so impossible from here and yet I know that He can do the impossible.

These are the scriptures and the song that He gave me this morning:

Then you will call upon Me and come and pray to Me, and

I will listen to you. I will be found by you, declares the Lord,

and will restore your fortunes. Jer. 29:12,14

To me, God is saying that a time is coming when I will call to Him and pray to Him about this very situation, and He will listen to me and will be found by me. He will answer and it will be very apparent that He is answering and He will restore everything that has been taken by the enemy.

Some of the wise will stumble, so that they may be refined,

purified, and made spotless ... for it will still come at the

appointed time. Dan. 11:35

To me, God is saying that He can use this time to refine Phil and purify him. I can leave it in God’s hands and not be upset about it, despite everything that I am seeing with my eyes.

“Don’t grow weary doing well, don’t surrender in the fight;

Keep on storming the gates of hell and doing what you know is right.

For there will be seasons of testing and there may be weeping for a night,

But soon we’ll be reaping the blessings if we keep on pressing toward the light.

Don’t grow weary doing well ...”

God is saying that He sees me and He knows how hard this is and how tired we both are. He is encouraging me to keep on going and not surrender to the enemy. He is exhorting me to keep on praying and doing warfare and doing what He has shown me to do. He is telling me that a better day is coming if we don’t give up.

O Lord, what is man that You care for him, the son of man that You think of him?

Man is like a breath; his days are like a fleeting shadow. Ps. 144:3-4

God sees Phil and He cares about our situation.

Part your heavens, O Lord, and come down; touch the mountains, so that they smoke.

Send forth lightning and scatter the enemies, shoot Your arrows and rout them.

Reach down from on high; deliver me and rescue me from the mighty waters,

From the hands of foreigners whose mouths are full of lies,

Whose right hands are deceitful. Ps. 144:5-8

There will come a time when God will come down on our behalf and rout our enemies. He will reach down and rescue us.

I will sing a new song to You, O God; on the ten-stringed lyre I will make music to You,

To the One who gives victory to kinds, Who delivers His servant David

From the deadly sword.

Deliver and rescue me from the hands of foreigners

Whose mouths are full of lies, whose right hands are deceitful. Ps. 144:10-11

God is going to give Phil victory and put a new song in his mouth. Phil’s relationship with God will be restored and he will worship God again with his whole heart.

Then our sons in their youth will be like well- nurtured plants,

And our daughters will be like pillars carved to adorn a palace.

Our barns will be filled with every kind of provision.

Our sheep will increase by thousands, by tens of thousands in our fields;

Our oxen will draw heavy loads.

There will be no breaching of walls, no going into captivity,

No cry of distress in our streets.

Blessed are the people of whom this is true;

Blessed are the people whose God is the Lord. Ps. 144:12-15

A better day is coming!

My Story - December 2003

This is the story of the most difficult time of our lives. May the telling of it bring hope to others and help me to heal.

12/6/03 Saturday 7:30 pm

When I sat down with the ice pack after an hour of ironing, I automatically started to put it on my shoulder and then realized that it was my back that hurt. God has completely healed my shoulder! He said He would and He did!

I am so blessed! I have a job with flexible hours that I enjoy. I still have a wonderful child at home. Phil is working 6 hours a day consistently and we have our insurance back now. God has given me fulfilling projects to do - sewing, cross stitch, scrapbooking, writing, etc. And God has given me heart friends who love me deeply, and my relationship with them is all about the Lord. One blessing after another.

12/7/03 Sunday 1:30 pm

Jesse is in the Christmas orchestra in our church this year and I am at their rehearsal. The first song gave me goosebumps! I had decided to pay him to be in it this year but it never came to that because when he saw the music, he knew he could do it. I’m so glad he’s in it! I pray that God would anoint his trumpet and that it would always be played for His glory.

Church was hard because it is so dead and I feel so alone. However, God continues faithfully to encourage me. Travis said in Sunday School this morning that when God says something will happen, it will happen, and God gave me several verses this morning.

For I will restore the fortunes of the land as they were before, says the Lord. Jer. 33:11

And so after waiting patiently, Abraham received what was promised. Heb. 6:156

Be glad, O barren woman, who bears no children;

Break forth and cry aloud, you who have no labor pains;

Because more are the children of the desolate woman

Than of her who has a husband. Gal. 4:27

Yet he did not waver through unbelief regarding the promise of God,

but was strengthened in his faith and gave glory to God, being fully

persuaded that God had power to do what He had promised. Rom. 4:20-21

I feel like God is telling me that He will heal Phil completely and that He will restore everything else that goes along with it - finances, emotional trauma, etc. I think He is also saying that I need to keep on waiting patiently, standing firm and believing that He will do everything that He has promised to do, both personally and in the church. And I don’t know what the Gal. verse means, except that somehow I will “bear” children. I certainly am barren right now.