My Story - July 2003

This is the story of the most difficult time of our lives. May the telling of it bring hope to others and help me to heal.

7/26/03 Saturday

Phil has been home for a day. His pain got worse and he hasn’t been eating very much. All he’s had is 2 pancakes, 2 cookies, and 1 small burrito. He loathes food. I called Dr. H. to get a prescription for something and when I told him about the pain, he asked about the Celebrex and we discovered that he is supposed to take 2 instead of 1 each day, so we corrected that. His legs are swollen and the doctor thinks he’s retaining fluid because he isn’t eating enough. That doesn’t make sense to me. And the red swollen areas on his ankles have developed purple raised areas in the middle.

There is so much I don’t understand. My mom has actually helped tremendously but she didn’t know anything about these raised areas. I’ve read a lot on the Internet but can’t find photos to compare this to. On the one hand I feel really responsible - if I hadn’t called Dr. H., we wouldn’t have known about the Celebrex mistake and he would have been in a lot more pain. But on the other hand, I feel like I have to let him go because God’s in control. There isn’t an infection because they tested for that. I just want him to see a specialist. There are sixteen of them in Little Rock but our insurance will only pay for one of those.

I feel like I’m never going to be able to relax again, like I will never be happy again. I’m trying to take care of him and myself and Jesse and the house and the finances. We received a bill from the hospital today for $217.55. And so it begins. I feel like everything is being drained out of me. His ankles look so horrible and I keep asking God to protect them from permanent damage. His brother is leaving tomorrow and I can’t even think about that. Why can’t I just trust God and have peace? Every morning I wake up with an anxiety attack and have to talk to myself in order to be able to get out of bed.

A man may be chastened on a bed of pain with constant distress in his bones,

So that his very being finds food repulsive and his soul loathes the choicest meal.

His flesh wastes away to nothing, and his bones, once hidden, now stick out.

His soul draws near to the pit, and his life to the messengers of death.

Yet if there is an angel on his side as a mediator, one out of a thousand ...

Then his flesh is renewed like a child’s; it is restored as in the days of his youth ...

He is restored by God ... Job 33:19-23a; 25-26

My body will rest secure, because You will not abandon me to the grave. Ps. 16:9b-10a

When I am afraid, I will trust in You;

In God, whose Word I praise,

In God I trust; I will not be afraid. Ps. 56:3-4

I had just cried out to the Lord and told Him that I feel like Phil is going to die, and He gave me these verses.