My Story - August 2003

This is the story of the most difficult time of our lives. May the telling of it bring hope to others and help me to heal.

8/8/03 Friday 2 pm

God is healing Phil’s wounds. His feet look a lot better today and he is determined to start walking soon.

This weekend I will have to ask the church for help financially. God has been speaking to me about it for several days and I thought I was prepared but I feel like crying. When I think about finances, I feel shaky. He is healing physically, and while we will still have things to deal with there, I feel like maybe the worst is over in that area, and now comes a whole new thing to deal with. We throw ourselves on God’s mercy.

I am still having a hard time concerning Dr. H. He is ordering expensive tests that we think are unnecessary, like a CAT scan and an ultrasound. I think that 75% of my fear throughout this ordeal has been caused by things he has said. I love him as a friend and Christian brother but I am not happy with some of his decisions.

8/9/03 Saturday 3 pm

He feels worse today but it isn’t anything serious. If it isn’t one thing, it’s another. He has severe dependent edema from being in bed, which is making his diverticulosis act up, so he doesn’t feel like he can eat. Even though it isn’t serious, it’s discouraging. One thing leads to another thing which leads to another. And if we aren’t persistent in asking for what we need (such as a gas pill), we don’t receive it. I feel like I should stay here all day, but I am really tired and have a headache. Jon L. came to visit and it was good to see him. I’ve been working on my Breaking Free Bible Study a lot. I’m doing about a week’s worth of lessons every day.

You know, it’s all in what we choose to believe. I can believe that these complications are terrible and discouraging or I can believe that they are a minor irritant and will go away soon. I choose to pray and believe that Phil’s blood pressure will go back down, that his feet will continue to heal, that the diuretics will completely resolve his edema, and that his bloating will get markedly better. That’s what I choose to believe! I refuse to live in fear or anxiety or worry. I will walk by faith and not by sight. God loves us and He is with us. He has good plans for us and He will fulfill His purposes for us.