8/5/03 Tuesday 2 pm
We received a diagnosis yesterday – pyoderma gangrenosum. Dr. H. asked a dermatologist to look at him and he has seen this many times, even though it is a rare disease. Dr. B. also knew what it was. It is treated with high levels of steroids. This usually accompanies an underlying condition such as rheumatoid arthritis or inflammatory bowel disease. Dr. H. told me that his rheumatoid factor was only weakly positive and that diagnosing inflammatory arthritis is difficult and takes time. We think his feet look better already.
When Phil called me last night with the diagnosis, I looked it up on the Internet and became upset, because I felt like we were dealing with a chronic condition. I laid on the bed and cried and cried. I felt like our lives were over. In a way, they are. Our lives have been changed forever, and there is some grieving over that loss.
Phil’s brother called in the middle of it all and I tearfully told him what was going on. (I called him back later when I was feeling better.) He said he would call their parents and then I called my mom. Last night I thought that he had definitely been diagnosed with RA, but this morning Mike said he hasn’t. My mom said that maybe this was the only flare-up he would ever have. We just don’t know. It’s all unknown and that’s what is so hard.
This morning I was dealing with a lot of fear again and didn’t go to work, so I was there when Dr. H. came to see Phil. It was very difficult for a while because we were not communicating at all, plus he was saying scary things again. It was like he was determined to give us the worst case scenario. I stopped trying to talk to him and just silently prayed, asking God to do something. Then he asked if he had hurt my feelings. It wasn’t that exactly, but then he listened as I explained how traumatic and scary this is and that the reason I want information is because understanding helps with the fear. Right before he left, he said he was sure he had hurt me and he apologized. After listening to him, I think that he is still uncertain about so much and his focus is on the immediate problem. And I told him that I focus on the future too much and God is dealing with that.
I went to see Travis and updated him, and he opened his Bible and read Rom. 8:28 – God causes all things to work together for good for those who love Him. That was the exact same verse that God gave me last night in devotions. Travis said that God causes all things to work for good. He doesn’t bring the evil, but He does turn it around and use it for good.
I asked him to pray for me about fear and he said he would, but that the deliverance will come in walking it out. It is so humiliating to be struggling with so much fear. Travis kept saying that you just cannot walk in fear because it’s the opposite of faith. He said to tell Satan, “I am NOT afraid of you. No matter what you do to me, God is greater and He will turn it around and use it for my good.” He quoted Rev. 12:11 – They overcame him by the blood of the Lamb, the word of their testimony, and by not loving their lives even unto death. As I was leaving, God showed me that I loved my life too much. He showed me that my life is His because Jesus purchased it. My life is not my own – it belongs to Him.
Travis said that when you go to a lower court, the judge gives you a ruling, but then you can appeal to a higher court. We have gotten a ruling from the doctor and now we appeal to God. The facts are that Phil has this illness, but the truth is that God has a purpose for him and will fulfill that purpose.
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