8/21/03 Thursday 12:30 pm
Having done everything that I know to do, I am standing in faith on the Word of God. Phil appears to be worse than he was, but I refuse to walk by sight. He is very depressed, weak, and tired. Those are the facts. But the Truth is that God’s will is going to prevail, and His will is to heal Phil completely. And so I will keep praying, reading the Word and letting faith rise up in me, and refusing fear. I will NOT live in fear anymore.
8/22/03 Friday 8 am
I had a tire blow out yesterday and I seem to have had a blow-out too. It was the last straw. I collapsed in surrender to God. I quit. I cannot do this anymore. I ended up in the sanctuary crying my eyes out for about an hour. The only thing that I heard God say was - A bruised reed I will not break. I am so tired. Tired of dealing with illness and the unknown and finances, but most of all tired of trying. And so I quit. I don’t care what happens from here on out. I don’t care what God does to us. I feel bruised and battered. I feel beat up. I am in a heap at His feet.
There are two things I know. One, I believe with all my heart that it is God’s will to heal Phil completely, even this blood problem. And two, I will not turn against God. That’s all I know. I don’t understand why He hasn’t healed him yet. I don’t understand why all of this is happening to us and it looks like it’s going to get worse today. I am glad that no matter how terrible my life might be from here on out, I will have eternity in heaven with God. I am hanging on to that.
Today we are going in for a blood test. Mike wanted to do it next week but Phil seems to be growing weaker by the hour and so we are going in today. And so then I figure that Mike will want to put him back in the hospital and give him some more blood and do a bunch more tests. So I have cleaned the house, done all the laundry, bought groceries, put the photos in the album, and tied up some other loose ends. I am as ready as I can be.
I just don’t care what else He does to us. I don’t. If we have to suffer, then so be it. If we use all our money and lose our house, then so be it. I can’t imagine that He would let that happen, but I just don’t care any more. I am tired of being anxious and fearful and I won’t do it anymore. Not because of any strength that I have to stop, but because I am too weak to care anymore.
Last night I called a few people to be praying for us today, and Anna had some scripture for us.
Yet it is I who taught Ephraim to walk, I took them in My arms;
But they did not know that I healed them.
I led them with cords of a man, with bonds of love,
And I became to them as one who lifts the yoke from their jaws;
And I bent down and fed them. Hosea 11:3-4
This morning God was talking to me about His deliverance and His power and might. He was talking about victory and His love. He gave me some verses.
Give your burdens to the Lord, and He will take care of you. Ps. 55:22
He shall deliver ... Job 22:31
Stand and see the deliverance of the Lord! 2 Chr. 20:17
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