My Story - July 2003

This is the story of the most difficult time of our lives. May the telling of it bring hope to others and help me to heal.

7/16/03 Wednesday

It’s been really difficult this week. I have days when I have more faith and can trust God, and I have days when I am scared and wonder how much more He is going to crush us. Phil went in to work for one hour today and that was really scary for both of us. He has two more weeks of leave and then we don’t have any income. And we are already $1000 in debt due to medical bills. I just don’t know what else God is going to ask of us. I am dreading the next time Phil leads worship because the pain increases every time.

I know that God is in control but this is the hardest thing we’ve ever been through. He used to have 2-3 months of medical/vacation leave but he cashed in some of his vacation leave and has used up all of his medical leave this year. He is limping because his knees and ankles hurt, and his hand and arm are in a splint. He has one good limb. I’ve considered trying to find a motorized wheelchair but it would have to be given to us for free. I am doing everything in the house and all the driving, and Jesse is helping me in the yard. I am seriously praying about looking for a full-time job, but God isn’t telling me to do that and Phil doesn’t want me to do it either.

God has been giving me verses like: For I will restore their fortunes and have compassion on them. (Jer. 33:26b) and For I will restore the fortunes of the land as they were before, says the Lord. (Jer. 33:11b). I am struggling with a spirit of fearful foreboding that has a stronghold in my life. It is hard to watch Phil suffer like this.