My Story - September 2003

This is the story of the most difficult time of our lives. May the telling of it bring hope to others and help me to heal.

9/18/03 Thursday 8 am

I heard a song this morning by Twila Paris that moved me to tears because it expresses how I feel when God speaks to me.

“When You speak to me;

When You place Your Word inside me

I am filled and I am strong again.

And the heavens open when You speak to me,

Pouring light into my waiting heart.”

So often, the Lord has chosen to speak to me through friends. His words are life and breath to me, and I feel like I would die if He stopped speaking to me. In the morning, I long to hear His voice - His words give me strength to face the day.

Phil goes in for his colonoscopy tomorrow and ordinarily it wouldn’t be a big deal, but under the circumstances it is a very difficult thing for both of us. It will probably take him a week to recover physically from it because he is so weak to begin with. I feel so fragile emotionally and Phil is so very, very dependent on me emotionally. I feel like I have another child, except he is more dependent on me than Jesse is and he still cries a lot. I think that these are side-effects of the medication but that doesn’t make it any easier to deal with.

I have taken my hands off of his going back to work and I am not asking God anymore to make it all end. I am trying very hard to accept the fact that this is my life now and it will be my life, maybe for a long, long time. It has already gone on far longer than I thought it would, and I am trying to no longer have any expectations. I need to figure out how to take care of myself better, because I am still crying every day and am tired a lot. One thing I decided is that Phil can do a lot of the housework since he is going to be at home anyway. And we are going to work on de-cluttering his closet, desk area, etc. - in fact, we finished his closet yesterday and that made me feel good. De-cluttering boosts me emotionally, so that is one way to take care of myself. I would like for it to ultimately culminate in cleaning out the garage, but I would need outside help in order to accomplish that.