My Story - November 2003

This is the story of the most difficult time of our lives. May the telling of it bring hope to others and help me to heal.

11/14/03 Friday 7:30 am

As I have been dancing in Phil’s room all week, I have seen changes. He saw his first clients the day after I began - one was scheduled but one was not. And yesterday he said that he is doing well except in the mornings but then he said that he is sure that will change too. Those are the first words of hope instead of depression that I have heard come out of his mouth in ages. Today, I felt like God gave me some verses that describe what He has been doing with me as I dance in that room.

Do not be afraid ... for I Myself will help you ...

See, I will make you into a threshing sledge,

New and sharp, with many teeth.

You will thresh the mountains and crush them,

And reduce the hills to chaff.

You will winnow them, the wind will pick them up,

And a gale will blow them away.

But you will rejoice in the Lord

And glory in the Holy One of Israel. Isaiah 41:14-16

11/18/03 Tuesday 8 am

I had to ask Phil if he would start taking Jesse to church again so that I could go back to Travis’ class. I guess I assumed that as he got better, he would take up the things again that he wasn’t able to do for the past few months, but he isn’t about to do that. I have to ask for every little thing and so I will. I heard him telling someone at church that he is basically fine now except for the depression. The fatigue is almost totally gone.

I have been clinically depressed and I know how awful it is, but millions of people are clinically depressed and you just have to go on anyway, so I don’t have much sympathy left. He has been perfectly content with working 4 hours a day and not even trying to increase the hours, which has been extremely frustrating for me, so the other day I confronted him about it and now this week he is working 5 hours a day and said that he will keep increasing it each week. Maybe by Jan. 1, he will be working full time again. Sometimes I just want to scream!!! I don’t like him very much right now.

I am still worshiping in his “room” every day while he is at work. Sometimes it’s wonderful and sometimes it just work. But I am determined to obey no matter what.