This is the story of the most difficult time of our lives. May the telling of it bring hope to others and help me to heal.
10/17/03 Friday 8:30 am
It has been a difficult 24 hrs. and I am having to stand and try to stay steady. Yesterday, I felt like God showed me that if I kept walking on the path I had chosen regarding the money we owe the hospital, I would end up with even more trouble than I already have. They are a big monstrous corporation and they will win in the end, and so to avoid spending even more money on legal help, I called my mom and asked to borrow the money to pay them off.
10/18/03 Saturday 8:30 pm
I don’t know anything right now and maybe that’s the point God is trying to get across to me. I feel like I can hear Him speaking sometimes, but on really important issues He is silent. Regarding Phil’s situation, we don’t know whether God wants us to submit to what is happening or fight. Up until now, we have had to fight for every inch of ground. And so I stumble along trying to do the best I can, which isn’t very good. I try to be content with my life but it hurts so much.
This week I have felt more and more like a widow and it’s wearing on me. Phil is back to sitting and crying all day except for the two hours he’s at work. I don’t know what to do. I can’t help him.
I don’t want to go to church tomorrow but I doubt that Phil will go and someone has to ask them for help to pay our medical insurance. I feel like this is never going to end. Maybe we should file for disability and I should get a full-time job. If this goes on much longer, then I will have no choice.
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