11/8/03 Saturday
Phil seems very depressed, although he says the fatigue is getting a little better each week. He’s in his own little (very little) world and I feel so alone. Christmas is next month and I can’t even think about it without getting stressed out. And Thanksgiving is even worse. Not only do we not have Eva and Zachary anymore, but this year, in a way, we don’t have Phil either. I am a single parent and it’s up to me to try to make the holidays passable and bearable for Jesse. Oh, that I had more faith and a greater ability to stand on God’s Word! Last Sunday during the sermon, I felt like God told me that I need to drink this entire cup of suffering. He said, “You don’t want to drink it down to the dregs (the last remaining part).” So I have entered back into this suffering, and it is a miserable place to be.
I feel like God has been telling me to “follow joy”. Joy is when I don’t have a burden of “shoulds” on me. Sometimes I can almost touch freedom in this area and I want that freedom with all my heart. I want freedom to just be myself and to do what I want to do, with no strings attached. I live for others, but in an unhealthy way, because my life is focused on trying to figure out what they want so that I can try to be what they want me to be. God wants to set me free.
I lifted the yoke ... Hosea 11:4
The images carried about are burdensome, a burden for the weary. Isaiah 46:1
Come to Me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest;
take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in
heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My
burden is light. Matthew 11:28-30
My yoke is works but God’s yoke is grace. In “Morning and Evening”, Charles Spurgeon says that: “The life of faith is represented as receiving - an act which implies the very opposite of anything like merit. It is simply the acceptance of a gift. As the earth drinks in the rain, so we, giving nothing, partake freely of the grace of God. The saints ... are but cisterns into which the living water flows; they are empty vessels into which God pours His salvation. The idea of receiving implies a sense of realization ... Receiving also means grasping or getting possession of ... I appropriate to myself that which is given.” I think he is saying that faith is receiving from God by grace that which He wants to give to us - things like rest and peace.
God has been talking to me about “tomorrow.” I feel like He gave me the story in 2 Kings 6-7 to encourage me about our situation - which can be extremely discouraging at times.
This disaster is from the Lord ... Hear the word of the Lord ... About this
time tomorrow, a seah of flour will sell for a shekel ... Could this happen?...
It happened as the man of God had said. 2 Kings 6-7
I led them with cords of human kindness, with ties of love;
I lifted the yoke from their neck and bent down to feed them. Hosea 11:4
Consecrate yourselves, for tomorrow the Lord will do amazing
things among you. Joshua 3:5
I hope that tomorrow is soon.
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