Progress

I feel happy and content because I did what I wanted to do this morning instead of what I felt like I should do. Big, huge difference! “Want” is freedom but “should” is legalism which produces guilt and condemnation.

For some reason (which I have decided to stop trying to figure out), going to church has been difficult for me for quite a while now. Putting potluck on top of that was just too much and I was dreading it. Then I realized that I didn’t have to stay for potluck! It sounds simple but it was very freeing. Phil decided to stay and that’s fine but I didn’t have to. I came home, took a shower, and had the best BBQ I think I’ve ever had. I felt so satisfied afterwards in every way.

I want to do what I *want* to do instead of what I *should* do, but I need to be ever watchful because it’s the easiest thing in the world for me to slip into legalism. It suffocates and drains the joy right out of my life.

I feel like the Lord showed me that I am tired and I am in recovery. It’s like being in that sanctuary during the service, I was able to gain some perspective on my life that curiously left the moment I walked out. I need to remember that I am at the end (hopefully) of a time period of six years of incredible, non-stop stress - more than I have ever experienced before in my whole life - and it’s going to take some time to come out of it in one piece. I feel like crying a lot of times and feel very lost, scattered, and depressed. The only thing that gives me joy right now is when I am able to see that I’m getting into legalism in an area of my life and exercise the freedom to make a different choice.

This morning I became worried that Phil won’t ever be able to work full-time again, because this past week was so hard on him. But every time I start to worry, I feel like God says, “Watch” and “Leave him to Me.”