Good Things

These are good things:

* Phil does not have a pulmonary embolism & his pneumonia is gone

* Phil is probably coming home from the hospital tomorrow, before the end of the year

* Eva and her family are coming to have Christmas on Saturday

* Jesse has been a real support this past week

* Mom's best friend made it back from Germany last night

* God provided our Cobra payment for this next month

* God provided a wonderful walker for $5, so I don't have to scramble

* Even though I don't like it, I have learned to be a good nurse

* I feel like God told me, "Things are going to change."

Christmas Gifts

Even when things are terrible, you really can have a good Christmas when God is involved. During this season when we celebrate the gift of HIM, He keeps on giving and giving and giving to us.

I thought it might be a terrible Christmas but God keeps giving gifts to me. My boss unexpectedly let us off early and that extra time was such a good gift. There are two projects that I have worked diligently on for over a week - yesterday I was able to complete one with great (and satisfying) success and today God brought about the completion of the other one. Last minute Christmas shopping with my son in crowded stores actually turned out to be fun! God gave us SNOW for Christmas!!!

The best gift of all is that Phil seemed better today! He was sitting in a recliner, off of oxygen, and had been free of fever for over 24 hours. I think he is finally on the mend.

God is in control, even when things are terrible, and He can move in and change your perspective so much that you can be filled with peace and joy. It's a miracle!

Hospital

Phil is in the hospital again, this time with pneumonia. He seems to be holding his own so far but the doctor is concerned because he is still spiking a fever every day. I thought that was normal for pneumonia, but I'm not a doctor so I don't really know. The finances have gotten scary again because this will probably take a few months for him to get over and he is going on his 5th month of leave-without-pay. He was able to work part-time for 2 weeks and that will help. Yesterday, I felt sick with worry about it all and then God provided $1000 for our Cobra payment, which is due next week. I wish I could finally learn to trust Him and rest in His love and provision.

Sandwich Wreath

This is the way it looked before baking.

Here it is fresh from the oven!

I successfully made a wonderful recipe that a friend usually makes for our Bible study potlucks and thought I'd share the recipe. The actual name for it is "Ham Florentine Wreath" but I like to call it Sandwich Wreath.

Preheat the oven to 375 degrees and then prepare the filling. Combine:

1 pkg. (10 oz.) frozen chopped spinach, thawed and drained
1 1/2 c. (8 oz.) diced cooked ham
1/4 c. green onions with tops, thinly sliced
1 c. (5 oz.) shredded Swiss cheese
1/4 c. mayo.

(I actually used minced onions instead of green onions, less spinach, ham lunchmeat, and regular pizza shredded cheese and it tasted great.) Once the filling is made, slice 8 grape tomatoes in half so they will be ready.

Take out a round pizza pan (I covered it with foil) and unroll one package of crescent rolls. With wide ends of the triangles toward the center of the pan, arrange the 8 triangles in a circle. The corners of the wide ends will touch and the narrow points will extend 1 inch beyond the edge of the pan. Unroll another package of crescent rolls and arrange them between the first 8 triangles. The recipe says to place them in the same direction as the first 8 but I (accidentally) placed them with the tips pointing into the center and it worked just fine. The wide ends will overlap with the first 8 triangles.

Place the filling over the wide ends of the triangles, forming a circle. Place one half of a grape tomato on top of each triangle and sprinkle with more grated cheese. Lift the narrow end of the triangles over the mixture, tucking in the end and brush egg white over the dough. Sprinkle with sliced almonds and bake for 25 minutes or until golden brown. Enjoy!

Messiah

I had the pleasure of attending the Community Festival Chorale's performance of the Messiah this evening. George Frederick Handel composed it in 24 days, working day and night. It is said that when it was finished, a friend found him in his room with tears streaming down his face. He said, "I do believe I have seen all of Heaven before me and the great God Himself." It has been my favorite piece of classical music since we sang the Hallelujah Chorus in high school choir. I was so glad that the people knew to stand when the Hallelujah Chorus was sung tonight. That tradition began the first time Messiah was ever performed. King George II of England was in the audience and it is said that he was so moved that he stood up. Of course, every else had to stand too because he was the King and so the tradition began.

It was wonderful seeing old friends I hadn't seen for years. But the most wonderful thing of all was getting to hear a teenager from our church sing a solo for the first time. She has an incredible soprano voice that sounded like the voice of an angel! And her voice was so powerful too! I wonder what God is going to do with that voice!

My Treasures

Yesterday we had the opportunity to babysit our grandchildren and it was so much fun! I picked them up in Little Rock and their parents came to get them at 12:15 am, after participating in a wedding of their best friends at DeGray. It finally felt like Christmas! Little kids do that. Several people have commented to me this past week that when their children are grown and before they have grandkids, Christmas is blah.

We visited a special friend in Conway, looked at the lights, played with the train, dumped ALL the toys out and spread them all over the house, decorated (and ate!) Christmas cookies, had pizza for dinner, and played and played and played and played. I am so grateful that God has allowed me to become a grandmother - it's the best thing about my life!

A Beautiful Creation

Twenty years ago, my mother made me an oversize king-size quilt. Now that I have a queen-size bed, I decided to try to cut it down to fit my bed. It was with a lot of trepidation and encouragement and help from a friend that I cut into it yesterday. Cutting into a gorgeous quilt with a pair of scissors is a very strange feeling! I had to cut two sides in order to shorten it and, while I did the very best I could, it is nowhere near the sewing expertise and excellence of my mother.

I was putting the quilt on my bed and lamenting over the poor way I pieced it together when I shortened it, when I felt like the Lord said, “When you look at a beautiful creation, you don’t see the flaws.” It was true. When I look at that beautiful thing my mom made, my eye isn’t drawn to my flaws. But He wasn’t just talking about the quilt, He was talking about me! We are all His beautiful creations, the work of His hands. He *knit* us together and shaped us. And every one of us has flaws but the flaws don’t matter because we are His beautiful creation. It almost made me cry! Now I will think of that whenever I walk into my room! Isn't it funny how a word from the Lord changes everything?

Random thoughts for the Day

I grabbed these from a post on my 123 Stitch Message Board:

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the he** are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my own neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. Bad decisions make good stories.

10. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

11. I'm always a little terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-
page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

12. 'Do not machine wash or tumble dry' means I will never wash this -- ever.

13. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Darn it!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

14. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

15. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call."

Progress

I feel happy and content because I did what I wanted to do this morning instead of what I felt like I should do. Big, huge difference! “Want” is freedom but “should” is legalism which produces guilt and condemnation.

For some reason (which I have decided to stop trying to figure out), going to church has been difficult for me for quite a while now. Putting potluck on top of that was just too much and I was dreading it. Then I realized that I didn’t have to stay for potluck! It sounds simple but it was very freeing. Phil decided to stay and that’s fine but I didn’t have to. I came home, took a shower, and had the best BBQ I think I’ve ever had. I felt so satisfied afterwards in every way.

I want to do what I *want* to do instead of what I *should* do, but I need to be ever watchful because it’s the easiest thing in the world for me to slip into legalism. It suffocates and drains the joy right out of my life.

I feel like the Lord showed me that I am tired and I am in recovery. It’s like being in that sanctuary during the service, I was able to gain some perspective on my life that curiously left the moment I walked out. I need to remember that I am at the end (hopefully) of a time period of six years of incredible, non-stop stress - more than I have ever experienced before in my whole life - and it’s going to take some time to come out of it in one piece. I feel like crying a lot of times and feel very lost, scattered, and depressed. The only thing that gives me joy right now is when I am able to see that I’m getting into legalism in an area of my life and exercise the freedom to make a different choice.

This morning I became worried that Phil won’t ever be able to work full-time again, because this past week was so hard on him. But every time I start to worry, I feel like God says, “Watch” and “Leave him to Me.”

Busy Saturday

I've been making worship tools - flags and streamers - for my grandchildren and the other kids in their church. I also finished making Christmas ornaments that will be gifts for my co-workers. Fun!

Update

Phil did great at work yesterday (and even went back there again today!). However, I am at loose ends. I enjoyed being at home alone for a few hours yesterday but today I feel disoriented and can't seem to focus.

The BIG DAY

Today is the big day! It's the day that Phil goes back to work after about 4 months. He will start with 2 hours and then work up to 8 hours by the end of the month. It has only been 4 months but it felt like forever. When we look back, 4 months is really nothing if this means that he will be able to work from here on out (and I think it does). Maybe I'm a fool but I am hoping and believing that this is basically the end of his troubles.

Traveling

Lots of traveling. Counting today, I will have traveled 3 out of the last 4 days. It's been exhausting but wonderful! I spent Saturday with a friend in Conway and it is always so much fun just to be together. I am so blessed to have a heart friend like her with whom I can completely be myself and know that I am accepted and loved. She is full of mercy.

On Sunday, I went to Rogers to see my daughter and her family. I really, really needed to see my grandchildren because a family in our community lost their only daughter/grandchild right before Thanksgiving and it shook me up because I knew the grandmother. She was only 5 and her death was totally unexpected. Alex must have understood on some level because he hugged me more than he ever has before! Eva and I were able to get away for most of the afternoon, which she really needed, and it was a lot of fun! It reminded me of when she was a little girl and we used to go to Little Rock for our yearly special shopping trip.

I went to church with them and gave the pastor's wife a few little worship tools I had made (some small streamers and wrist ribbons) in case they would be interested in using them for the children. I couldn't tell at first whether she even wanted to use them ... but after the service, she came up to me to thank me and said that during the children's worship time, they had so much fun using the tools that several of them actually cried when it was over! It touched my heart that my own grandson is the firstfruits of my labor in this area. Of course, this makes me want to pour into their laps!

Today, I'm going back to Conway to purchase a few Christmas gifts and to drop off and pick up some things at my friend's house. It should be a quick and pleasant trip and then the traveling is over for until December 11, at which time I am meeting Eva and her family at the DeGray State Park lodge in order to babysit while they participate in a wedding of some of their best friends.

Trust

From “The Shack” by William Paul Young

“As much as you are able, rest in what trust you have in me, no matter how small, okay?”

Be Ye Thankful

I am thankful that God brought me out of the dominion of darkness and into the Kingdom of His Son. Everything else is secondary.

Some of the secondary things:

My family

God saved & healed Phil

My 3 incredible children are my treasures
and the best thing I did with my life

My 2 grandchildren are my treasures and my reward

My mother has become my friend

My best friend, Jean, who loves me unconditionally

My wonderful job which I love

God's faithful provision through all the storms of life

Being able to email Zach

The outlet of creativity

Streamers Everywhere

Streamers, streamers everywhere! I have spent the past week sewing lame streamers and it’s been a lot of fun! I have made some for myself and for Eva and the rest to sell. Jean, my friend in Conway, is going to a church that is embracing expressive worship big-time and she wanted to have some worship tools available for people to purchase for Christmas gifts. I am happy to oblige! Once you get to *know* lame, it is really quite easy to work with and the colors are exquisite. It feels like I’m sewing with light!

Relationship

From “The Shack” by William Paul Young

“If I were simply One God and only One Person, then you would find yourself in this Creation without something wonderful, without something essential even. And I would be utterly other than I am.”

“And we would be without …?” Mack didn’t even know how to finish the question.

“Love and relationship. All love and relationship is possible for you only because it already exists within Me, within God myself.”

From “The Shack” by William Paul Young

“To begin with, that you can’t grasp the wonder of my nature is rather a good thing. Who wants to worship a God who can be fully comprehended, eh? Not much mystery in that.”

Shoulds

I have lived my life being a good little girl, doing the things I should do. Some people just have that kind of personality. It’s not a bad thing, but there can be excesses, especially when you have the responsibility for taking care of a chronically ill family member.

I find that I have forgotten how to do the things I *want* to do. Most of the time, I don’t even know what I want - because I am so used to being given (by life or by God or by my overactive conscious) a list of things I *should* do, that I need to do.

A friend of mine, who is a therapist, has been known to tell his clients, “Stop *shoulding* all over yourself!” Good advice! I want to start being more aware of my *wants* and less aware of the *shoulds* in my life.

Unexpected Gift

Phil didn't return from the doctor's appointment yesterday for 3 hours! That was because he went by work afterwards and got involved in talking to his co-workers. He looked fine when he got home ... I think that starting back part-time on December 1 is going to work!

The dermatologist said he doesn't need to see him anymore! What an unexpected and precious gift! He gave him a schedule to follow which will have him completely off of Prednisone three weeks from today! How amazing! I am filled with hope!

The Shack

I am reading "The Shack" by William Paul Young for the second time, because I feel like God is speaking to me through this book. I can relate to what the main character, Mack, goes through because I have had a *shack* experience of my own over the past few years. I find myself drawn to the picture on the cover of a broken-down shack in the dead of winter. There have been times when my life seemed like that shack - beaten up, worn down, ugly, and worthless.

I highly recommend this book. The author tackles the tough questions. It is unorthodox, though, and I was glad that a friend warned me about that so I could be more open to it than I probably would otherwise have been.

Praise God!

I'm alone! I'm alone! I'm alone! Phil drove himself to the doctor (local)!!! This is truly heaven! I'm going to work on a project for next Christmas and then I might cut out some streamers!

Streamers

The last time I visited my daughter’s church, they were teaching my grandson how to worship! When the music started, his teacher brought him into the back of the sanctuary and showed him how to lift his hands to the Lord. She even gave him some little finger cymbals to use and some sticks to rub together (or use to beat on a chair like a drum!). I was greatly moved by this - I don’t ever think I have seen anyone *teach* a little child how to worship.

I cut three streamers that I had into two pieces each to make shorter streamers for Alex and kids his age and longer streamers for the older kids. I even found three shorter sticks that were already made! It was so cool because I had made the streamers years ago and ended up never having the opportunity to use them, so it took all of five minutes.

I want to give these to that sweet church as gifts. In two weeks, I plan on being there for church and I will bring them at that time and also a few wrist ribbons. I plan on giving them to the woman in charge of my grandson’s class because she’s the one teaching him how to worship. This just delights my heart!

The Manger

My son and I were talking on the way to visit my mother in Ohio this past summer and somehow the subject of Christmas came up. Last year was the first time I didn’t put up a tree and it turned out to be a good thing because I ended up at my daughter’s house over Christmas because she needed help after her baby was born. When I mentioned that I really liked not having to put up the tree, my son replied that it was fine with him if we didn’t have one this year.

When I wondered where we would put the gifts, he replied, “Well, we could put them in a manger since that was where the GIFT was laid.” Even though he now says he was joking, I have not been able to stop thinking about that. I think it’s a great idea! But I had no clue how to make a manger.

While I realize that Jesus was probably laid in a stone manger inside a cave, I wanted to make a more modern interpretation of one, so I bought a wooden folding luggage rack at Walmart. To my surprise, it was easier than I thought. All I had to do was attach a black strap to the bottom to hold it open at just the right depth. Then I laid burlap over the top (to represent Christ’s humanity) and gold lame on top of that (to symbolize His divinity). I think it looks great, especially with the gifts in it. I might attach little white lights around it because Christ is the Light of the World.

Making Vests

I made 3 vests today to wear when it gets cold this winter. They came together rather well, which made sewing a joy. My mother, who is an excellent seamstress, always said that when you are sewing, your iron is your best friend. I completely agree but have discovered two more “best friends” - my serger and single fold bias tape.

I bought my serger quite a few years ago because two friends who were avid sewers kept singing the praises of them. For a while I didn’t quite know what to do with it but decided to apply myself diligently to learn how to use it. Now, I don’t know what I did without it! It finishes edges beautifully and quickly and saves me loads of time. I got a White, which is very easy to thread.

I have only recently discovered single fold bias tape. A friend told me that it is wonderful to use to finish armhole edges. I found an online tutorial - See this link - and off I went. What a truly useful product! It is so much fun to use that I actually look forward to doing the armholes! It is easy to use and makes the finished product look professional.

I discovered another trick this time around. My back starts hurting when I sew for a long time but today I tried sitting in my recliner whenever I had to pin and that did the trick! By getting up and moving to a comfortable position, my back lasted several hours longer than usual which enabled me to finish the vest.

Massage Therapy

My massage was absolutely wonderful! I enjoyed every single second! It is always a very healing experience. It’s like I can feel the stress being forcefully pushed off of my shoulders and back. Because of finances, it was a difficult decision to allow myself this luxury but it is the single most important and good thing that I do for myself every month.

A Thoroughly Wonderful Day

Jesse and I went to Rogers for Gabe's birthday and we brought their new dog to them. Eva picked out a dog from a pug rescue website, only to discover that she was actually located in a foster home close to us, so we offered to bring her up there to them. She is a very nice, sweet dog and really liked Jesse a lot because he held her most of the way. She made the trip up there more fun. The boys loved her and she was good with them. Eva loved her too and even Kevin bonded with her. They named her Ginger and then Alex started calling her Gingerbread, so that’s her official name.

Everything went well and was a lot of fun. Eva and I managed to get away for a bit and went to a cross stitch store that I heard about on my message board. It was really nice. On the way home, Jesse and I got into some spiritual discussions that were deep. I love being with my kids. They are deep thinkers and a lot of fun too. I enjoy their company tremendously.

Gabe is walking everywhere like he’s been doing it forever but he only started within the last two weeks. He smiles all the time, yet he makes it known when he’s not happy with something. He communicates very well. It’s hard to believe that a year ago, he was still inside of Eva. Alex and I seem to have a better relationship each time I see him. He is easy and pleasant to talk to and is very well-behaved now. He knows how to have fun and yet he seems more affectionate the past few months. I love them both so much. They are the joy of my life. Life just gets better and better as the kids get older. It’s so hard when they are young but sometimes I wish I had more of them because it’s so much fun when they’re older. It is so true what the Bible says - children are a blessing and a reward.

Conditional Love

We human beings love God conditionally. We are such conditional people. We love God … unless we perceive that He hurts us in some way. We love Him unless He lets someone die that we care about and we especially turn against Him if the person was young. We love Him unless He *lets* us get chronically ill. We love Him unless He allows us to get fired or to lose our job and asks us to work in a job we hate. We love Him until we don’t understand what He is doing in our lives. It’s a good thing that He loves us unconditionally and understands our weakness.

Tender Loving Care

I feel God's tender presence. He is holding me like I am a fragile vase. It's like He knows that I am bruised and broken and He is being careful not to let me be destroyed. He has been ministering to me in the area of finances, reassuring me that He will provide during this stressful time and I don't have to worry. We found out last week that in order to keep our health insurance, we have to pay close to $1000 a month ... at a time when Phil is on leave-without-pay. The future is uncertain but we are used to this now because that is the way we have been living for 6 years. We have hope, though, that Phil will come out of this soon and will be able to work steadily again. Whether he does or whether he doesn't, we will still praise the Lord because He is good.

Vegetable Soup

November 1 is always a good day. Because of the time change, I wasn’t able to sleep in very much and have already put together a colorful, healthy, gorgeous, and hopefully delicious vegetable soup in the crock pot. This is my plan from now on - to make a vegetable soup on Sundays - and it only took 10 minutes because I chopped up the veggies when I got home from the grocery store. I’ve been eating huge and wonderful salads every day for lunch too. About a week ago, I asked God to show me how to incorporate vegetables into my life and He did. He has also blessed me with a craving for them that I have never had in my whole life. They are so beautiful and so tasty! Where have they been my whole life?

Life Update

I can't believe it's been almost a year! I'm going to try to do better. Our lives continue to change. Phil had his fourth major abdominal surgery almost 3 months ago and has had a hard time recovering, but he is finally able to see some improvement even though it is very slow. Still, after what we've been through, I'll take it as long as he is moving in the right direction. My job is still wonderful. I am working part-time until January, when tax season begins again. It's nice to have finally found where I belong in the working world.

Spiritually, things have been dry for quite a while but recently I have felt like God is beginning to stir the water and that is exciting. He has given me the desire of my heart - a prayer partner with the same heart for intercession. We *fit* together so beautifully. One hour a week that is changing everything for me. Last week I saw so many answered prayers and that is very encouraging.

My mom had to put my sweet step-father in the Alzheimer's Unit at Otterbein (the retirement village where they live in OH) after she broke her hip and had surgery, which caused him to deteriorate quickly. She has since moved to a smaller place and is dealing with grief. She keeps telling me, "Growing old isn't for sissies." I'm the only one she has left of family now but she does have friends there. Jesse and I had a great visit with her in June but I wish I could see her more often.

Alex and Gabriel are still the joy of my life. I get to see them about once a month. Gabriel is going to celebrate his first birthday next Saturday. Time flies! The boys are about to get a dog and I am surprised at how excited I am for them!

The Best and Worst of Times

My Internet cross stitch friend, Sandra, just emailed me about some layoffs in her Internet department at Bass Pro Shops in MO. They laid off a widow with health problems who is raising 3 boys and Sandra’s immediate boss who moved there from TX a year ago to take the job. It is so sad! I read about similar situations every week. I’ve never seen anything like this as long as I’ve been alive but I know that my mom has and she keeps saying it will get better. It makes me so grateful to God that, in the middle of all of this scary stuff, He actually gave me a (for me) high-paying job that is exactly what I like to do. Many times in the past, bad things happened to us and I didn’t understand why, but now a good thing has happened to us and I still don’t understand the ways of God.

Jobs

God gave me a new job. It was a very unexpected and wonderful surprise. I was working at HRB ready for tax season to begin when a friend called and said her sister, a CPA, was looking for someone to do bookkeeping and billing. One thing led to another and I started my new job this week.

This place really is heaven to work at and I am overwhelmed that God would do this for me. I LOVE it! I would much rather work there full-time doing bookkeeping than work anywhere else or even stay at home. I love making numbers balance! It is everything I have ever wanted in a job - great people who treat me like one of their own already, the best and fastest technology, working with accounting, not having to deal much with the public. I’m given a task and then left on my own to accomplish it, without people looking over my shoulder all the time. I feel valued and respected. It is absolutely overwhelming. I would do this for free!

I've been thinking about the different jobs I've had in the last 12 years and realized that I have learned something valuable from each one and don’t regret working at any of them, not even HN (although I still NEVER want to work there again!).

Working at Sound Investments taught me to stop taking things for granted and to enjoy each day as it comes because these just might be the best days of my whole life and I don't even realize it. I also learned all about bookkeeping and accounting there. My next job was at HN, which has become the “gold standard” by which I judge all the other jobs, probably for the rest of my life. I did learn how to be a receptionist there, though, and that no matter how lousy a job might be, at least I’m not working at HN anymore.

Working at the library, I learned that there are other people even more OCD than I am and that I must trust God and not lean on my own understanding. I begged God for that job … and I learned to be very careful what I pray for from now on (because I just might get it) and that God knows what is best for me and I most definitely do not.

Working at HRB I learned a whole lot about taxes so that I don’t have to be afraid to do our taxes anymore. I learned that I adjust quite well to being “in” the world and that I can love and care for unbelievers deeply. I learned that I have skills which are valuable, that there are things I am very good at doing. I also learned that I handle one-on-one client situations well and that I’m a good team player.

So … one thing I’ve already learned from this new job is that the job I have has nothing to do with my worth as a human being. When I worked at HN, I felt like I was nothing, the scum of the earth. I wondered what I had done that God was asking me to work in such a horrible job. The working conditions were horrible - all the chairs were falling apart, the computer had dial-up Internet (which I wasn’t supposed to use), paint was peeling off the walls - and almost all the clients tried very hard to use, manipulate, and control me (when they weren't stomping out and slamming the door or cussing me out). And my boss was a chronic, constant complainer.

Now, everything is state-of-art and top of the line. The furniture is beautiful, the chairs support my back, the Internet is high-speed cable, my bosses are sweet, and the clients are “normal” people. I am in a completely different environment but I am still the same person. My worth didn’t change even though I feel a lot more valued and respected now.

It is so nice to be able to look back ... because when we are in the middle of something, we can't see the forest for the trees.